Hit the Reset Button

Like all drugs and addictions, an initial feeling of relief, and overall thoughts of calm and peace can often be replaced with an even more intense anxiety and disease. Whatever fear or worry or concern that needed to be covered up or ignored simply intensifies. Worse yet, now you are addicted to one more thing, adding to the pile of dirty laundry to sort through at the end of it. When the high is over, or the video games over, now what?

This was my experience, a couple nights ago, when I just gave up, and went 'home' at 830. I had decided it was too late to do anything, and I had a bit of a chill from my cold. In an effort to entertain myself somehow, I looked into my laptop, and 'aaahhhh' (sound of god opening the 'eavens') found 'Zuma', this very addictive little game that I've given several hours over to already. Despite it giving me a bit of relief, and allowed for even more insights into addiction and fear, it is one more thing to deal with. But, I'm committed to some positive energy, so, first an explanation:

It's a game that features a stone frog that can rotate 360 degrees, and is controlled by your mouse. The object of the game is to eliminate the constant stream of fascinating, artistic little colored rolling balls, that, when contacted by 2 or more of the same, will explode. If not eliminated, they start to roll into the final gaping maw of the ancient aztec floor, and you lose one of your three lives. As the procession of rolling balls (almost like pool balls, making the same sound when hit) snake through the screen, several enticing long rows, and 'special balls' come into the line of sight, making it very tempting to want to shoot them. But, if you're not paying attention, the end of the snake line of balls will easily go right into the hole. This is like 'home base' as the frog, and the hole, are located near the centre of the screen. What I gleaned from this is, YES, go out, be ambitious, and take on some challenges, but make sure 'home' (inner health, mind) are taken care of at all times otherwise it could be game over!

The game also featured some clever 'hints' after each stage including "The fact that noone understands you doesn't mean you're an artist". Cute. Or, "Once you realize that the universe is expanding into nothing then back to something, wearing plaid with stripes isn't so hard."

Oh boy, all this talk about balls.............

I don't want to make mistakes in my life, despite knowing that that's how I learn. But one by one, little by little, they aren't so bad. Most of them i'm not even aware of, I suppose. It could be why I find computer games so addictive: I can control things, and champion things with only a computer life to lose. No embarrassment, no uncomfortable feelings, no real risk. As more and more children are using computer games as a big part of their emotional salve, I can suspect we will have more 'retarded' teens, and adults trying to connect with others, and leading social lives. There's a need to take one science class, and instead, give kids an opportunity to teach themselves how to live with ignoring impulses. If it can help one kid (one kid that might just go out to a school and shoot a bunch of other kids) it would do a hell of a lot more for humanity than chemistry/physics/algebra has generally. Its far more advantageous for a society to live in peace, than to invent one more use for salt out there. I love the sciences, but we need a balance. We have sex-ed as the only 'personal' type of school out there, as far as I know.

With technology, separations of cultures and identities, cliques we create differences between us. That's just human nature. What is scary is that the trend towards separation is getting more and more stronger. I believe, starting with me, my life will be more connected, and more satisfying with people. My first experience with severe anxiety, I started posting reminders all over the apartment walls; but they lost their validity when it wasn't in my mind, and it also made the place look like an insane asylum. An insight is only good to you when it's in your brain, and you act upon it, or as Rachel's dad used to say, "you can buy an insight for a nickel down at the store".

It's probably why I'm fantasizing about coming home and having a big party. I have been so inconsistent with daily fighting the urge to 'turtle', that I just get to miss people SO much. At least with a party for me, I know what to do: be a great host and laugh and make sure everyone enjoys themselves. Talking small talk with a stranger can be a bit worrisome for me.

Whatever failure, or problems, or guilt or mistakes today, forget about them. Get up, start the now, and receive the gift that every man and woman can have at any moment. NOW is a whole new day, and the past needn't exist. It can be full of opportunities, and love, and fun, and excitement, and power.

If I could get one tattoo on my wrist to remind myself, like a diabetic, that I've got a predisposition for something, what would it be? Instead of a concern for sugar and insulin, I simply have a concern for obsessing on thoughts about career, money, social standing, and relationships that can get me into quite a mess. The difference is, as with all mental conditions, the longer, happier, more satisfying route is to create a disciplined, aware lifestyle rather than take medications to take away the symptoms. I think it's healthier to learn to adapt to the human condition, rather than always keeping it at bay. There will be a point in everyone's life when you aren't able to keep it at bay, and I want to be ready for that time with full acceptance and open, loving arms.

We all have primitive psychological tendencies that don't really work, or are necessary in today's society. Some of us just have that 'knob' turned up a bit too high (some of us are just knobs) and from personal experience, if I didn't have a great family, and strong desire to succeed and help others, I could easily be on the streets. Those people just have brains that were better suited for a simpler lifestyle, and noone was able to help them find the key to live in the world we have now: one that requires discipline, self-control, strong boundaries, and awareness. There's just too many distractions, and ways a person can really mess up their lives for good.

The 12 step program hints at a common human need, and that is to give up all personal control to a power stronger, and higher than oneself. It seemed to me that these alcoholics who admitted they had no control over alcohol, and that God was the only one who could give them freedom, were missing out on real power. We all have an infinite ability to take care of ourselves, but it just takes practice. But once you've got it, and you keep practicing, you can do it, all on your own. Just like riding a bike. We have all the answers we need right inside of us.

Tom Cruise couldn't win with a post-partum depressed Brooke Shields. Who wouldn't want to end their misery right now just by taking a pill? Of course he's going to sound like some crazy scientologist when he says you can think your way through it. For me, I just don't like the idea of taking pills for my brain. Never will. Unless of course there's an infection...... oh here we go again! No Jason despite popular opinion you do not have a brain infection.