Black Hole

Well, I've dug myself quite a dark black hole. I have stripped myself of everything I enjoy, and thrown myself into a country where i don't speak the language. My bike is totally ripped apart, the one thing I could escape on, and the blackness is digging in it's heels. I can just feel it all over my body, creeping in and taking hold. Fascinating! Going back to the good ole days don't exist anymore. I am now on the verge of being one of those homeless crazy guys with nothing. i'm without a place to hide, a place of comfort, a place of life and love.

This is the situation i've waited for. The lowest low. I can't believe it's happening again. I've worked so hard, and done so much. it just keeps creeping back. always there, waiting. i just don't want to be an inspiration to myself right now.

one of the biggest bear traps is comparing myself to a perfect image - one that doesn't feel stress, makes easy decisions, does the right thing basically has absolutely no strife in life. So many people seem this way to me - they seem to feel good all the time, no stress, no worries, don't think about things; i know it's not true but just like an anorexic it' distorted thinking and it's torture. i'm this fragile human being throwing myself to the wolves to see what i'm made of, to scare the humanness out of me perhaps.

i just feel that unless i'm perfect, and feel perfect there's really no sense in continuing on. Not a cry for help. Just being honest with where i'm at right now. Wow and nobody's good enough, because i'm not good enough. It's time to be rid of this nonsense again, and move the fuck on.