This blog's for ME

Almost 25 years old, asking my parents if I can sleep in their bed with them. I had thought I was going to be the 25th Prime Minister of Canada. Things had changed. 10 years later, I was still a scared little boy. The time had come to slap myself awake. One Saturday morning, November 19th, 2009, I declared to the world I would be riding my 10 year-old motorcycle from Vancouver, BC Canada to Rio de Janeiro, Brasil, and back.

The official departure was August 28th, 2010. A group of well-wishers saw me off at 8:03 am.

I arrived in Rio de Janeiro around 6 pm March 1st, 2011.



My return to Vancouver came on July 5th, 2011 about 2:00 pm.

Drug & alcohol abuse, ADD, social anxiety, health, chronic pain, night terrors.

So many concerns. But I am far more interested in this question: Do I have the capacity to make this trip despite all my shortcomings?

My mission: To inspire myself to face my fears, enlighten myself on how all living things can peacefully co-exist, enjoy every moment, and see the world as plentiful and generous.

Go ahead. Call me crazy. Call me anything you like.

I'm out to save my world.



I LOVE YOU ALL



Questions, comments, concerns, threats? Contact me: jason.chapman99@gmail.com


C'mon Jason

Ah.... the battle of the mind.  The last 24 hours have seen a marked difference in my moods.  Questions, constant questions, and ill at ease with life and my place in it.  What am I doing here?  What is my value here?  Am I even relevant?  Why is life so difficult?  Why am I never consistently at ease?
I took a Landmark Education seminar called 'An Invented Life'.  The premise behind the 3 hours on one night a week for 3 months course is simple:  you can create yourself, from scratch, in any fashion.  The people in my group, when given the opportunity, unanimously agreed:  The one thing they want for Jason, is to be at peace within himself.  Why can't I find peace within myself?  Am I so attached to the belief I have about myself right now?  If I've taken all these courses, and truly believe I can change how I think, and therefore change how I feel, why am I not doing it?
As I write this, I'm finding this indelible urge to cover up, to hide the truth, to whitewash my thoughts for you.  I really want to look good in front of you.  I want to look composed, cool and with it.  Maybe to be successful in life you have to keep those inside voices to yourself.  Once people find out what really goes on in your head, they will chastise you.  It's for that reason I wrote 'THIS BLOG'S FOR ME'.  It wasn't for some selfish, self-centred motive, except to write for my enjoyment, for my pleasure, for my judgement only.  It was simply to remember why I'm going through all this effort, and hardship - to honestly, and truly create my world, in my image.  Woah, talk about a God complex!  Seriously, I believe that for me to truly feel at peace in this world, I need to see it as one that works for me, not against me.  As a recovering people-pleaser I find this the hardest, trusting myself that I will be ok in the world as myself, with my own thoughts, actions, and personality.  My world seems to teeter a bit when I start thinking and postulating that maybe who I am is inherently retarded somehow, somehow something missing, or defective, or wrong, and is unable to survive in this world.  Maybe, I start thinking, I need to consult with someone else, or ask someone else's opinion.  If the world was a simple, straight forward eat what you can catch, pro-create, survive and die, then I have no doubt I would be fine.  But this world, this seemingly ever so complicated social network one needs to be successful.  That is the crux, a constant battle of not being good enough, not feeling good enough.  In my mind, there is always someone who can do it better, and fighting this thought only makes it worse.
Teaching English as a Second Language was special, in that I created being a teacher from scratch.  From shutting down my company, to taking teaching lessons, to getting the job, and enjoying the hell out of that job, it was all mine.  After about a year into teaching, I was unable to consistently plan my lessons.  I was the Activities Coordinator too, and getting home at 8 or 9 o'clock, with an empty lesson plan was not good.  Eventually, I was going to school without a lesson plan.  Complete and utter improv.  It was working out, but I started feeling so badly about my performance, so embarrassed of what I was giving the students for their hard-earned money, so scared of being unable to answer questions from students.  I had to quit.  I just had to quit.  I couldn't find a way out.  I couldn't find a way through.  It was a disaster.  The job I loved so much, gone.  By my hands.  My mind just stopped working.  The strict rules, and regiments I placed on the creation process bound my hands so tight, I could barely put pencil to paper.  Now, today, those same feelings are coming out.  Who the hell am I to think I can write?
Patience is the key.  Patience is a virtue.  It might take all night, but that's what it might take to get the process going.  I have chosen this life of constantly creating new challenges for myself, and I must continue to believe in the process.  I am not the man I was 3 years ago, and yet those challenges still exist.  I must continue facing them until I feel I'm in a place where life is at ease, and there is peace within myself.   This is exactly what I was looking for when I chose to make this trip.
Here's an excerpt from my friend Robert's website for artists:

Working from life in natural situations is a shared invasion of privacy. Relaxed and in their environment, you are in a position to see their flaws. They, on the other hand, can find a miracle in your efforts. Share yourself and your gift. Both will be treasured like no other. "People," said Bernard Poulin, "don't often get a chance to stare at each other. They begin to tell you about themselves. It's like a confessional. It's a privilege to share someone's life like that."


It really came at a perfect time, as I'll gladly open up and share with people, as long as I know they understand, and respect that I'm giving them a gift of myself.  Just now, a fellow walked through the room, and we had a perfectly fine, comfortable greeting in Spanish.  This is my third day in Mexico.  I guess I can do some things right.  

5 comments:

  1. The Cynics were a philosophical school that found that society's rules prevent us from realizing ourselves. Consequently they separated themselves from society completely. They said that man had to become natural. He had to eat in a natural way, to live in a natural way, and be totally natural, accepting himself and his body. They said that in our bodies there is nothing to be ashamed of because we are all alike, we are not different. The Cynics did everything publicly, absolutely everything, with no shame about it. With this they broke a barrier. Thee were going to the Beyond. With this internal fight they were again finding the internal self. They would explain it like this, you can have anything if you are not attached to it; that is like not having it. So they would say plainly that the attachment makes you play social games, and social games are not true.

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  2. Suzanna's comment from HealthQuiz got me thinking about the ultimate power of thought.

    Thought ordinarily leads outwardly in evolutionary directions, but it can be turned within where it will take hold of the basic principles of things, the heart of things, the spirit of things. When you get to the heart of things it is comparatively easy to understand and command them.

    This is because the Spirit of a thing is the thing itself, the vital part of it, the real substance. The form is simply the outward manifestation of the spiritual activity within.

    Essentially we are what we think... The challenge is learning to be in control of what we think. Douglas

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  3. So you're saying 'evolutionary process' has been or is externally directed until we realize that we have an internal reality that can really direct the external in the direction of perfection that matches the human prototype. We are already whole complete and perfect - no more evolutionary movement is required for perfection. The primary point man has either missed or out of choice as a result of external process ignored.

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  4. Thanks for having the courage to blog about the monkeys in your mind...its helping me to reflect on my own thoughts that prevent contentment/peace. Have you tried being Jason's (your own) best friend? Sometimes I give myself a big mental hug.

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  5. yes, I too wonder about our evolution. It has come down to a personal evolution for me - to transcend my own concerns and be truly at peace. Mental hug - oh yeah! My own evolution is to self-love, and a work in progress. How could denying myself and neglecting myself allow for me to continue existing? To use the analogy of a car, it would be like forgetting to put oil in the engine for months at a time, and never washing it, or keeping it clean inside.
    It was important for me to get that energy out, and to know that it was ok. I know it's not me, it's just a monkey mind like you say. Who I am is the possibility of infinite connections! love you all, j

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