Were things really lost in the fire?

I can look at old pictures from school, and to risk waxing poetically I admit I would often think they were the times of endless opportunity, and free-wheeling innocence. It's interesting how little the negatives seem to rise above the stream of consciousness. Save for some uncomfortable experiences around baseball and doing everything in my power to avoid it, it seems idyllic.

This type of thinking has been dangerous to my present moment, and I've spent hours upon hours imagining a world other than the one in front of me. In the end it has created a habit of continually backing away from reality, holding onto momma's leg and not wanting to let go until it's safe. Contrarily the desire to break away from the safety of the known is there too. Suffice to say these opposing forces have nearly driven me crazy and the lack of inner peace has had it's toll. How to both give and receive love, as well as boldly step out into the world?

What I mean by this prelude is that somehow I've decided I have lost something, that I have lost my desire for life, my excitement, my optimism for the future and the drive to go get it. What if it never left? What if it simply needed to be cultivated, and cared for, nurtured to the point it would wish itself to appear again? Indeed an infernal optimism may be easier when you are a child as you know no boundaries, but it is more than a possibility to create that same sense of unbridled enthusiasm for the world around us. How? For starters, I believe one must give up that the world is exactly as they see it, and to consider that for a moment, there is a space for magic. Also, for me it seems to lie somewhere between facing fears, and keeping a peace within myself without sacrificing a refreshing view of life around me.

My cousin's friends have told her it may be the last she sees of me before disembarking from the United States into Mexico. Mexican drug wars have indeed come to a head, where certain factions fight with the police and army for control of the region. It wasn't the kind of support I wanted to hear, and a knot in my stomach sits heavy there as I write. These feelings are something to control, and manage otherwise they will get out of control. Anderson Cooper had mentioned in an interview once that that same feeling was one he was familiar with, and knew the importance of keeping it in check. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather doing something in the face of fear.

The reality of any situation out of the sphere of North American media is that it is focused on the negative, and created to sensationalize the occurrences. We do not hear of all the violent crimes that occur in our neighbourhoods, as our police departments would rather not incite fear among the general public. The fear of the outside world is what keeps us paying our taxes, and doing what we're told.

A bit of history I found with Giovanni's world: WARNING IMAGES MAY BE DISTURBING

www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://giovanniworld.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/mexico-drug-wars2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://giovanniworld.wordpress.com/2009/07/03/obama-sends-unarmed-national-guards-to-mexican-border/&usg=__ZccPeWAc6XseSMASx5IMAl_zaxw=&h=285&w=450&sz=33&hl=en&start=14&sig2=6m0-ifm13QGb-fSpFoomPA&itbs=1&tbnid=pg3xS7xvtJdevM:&tbnh=80&tbnw=127&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmexican%2Bdrug%2Bwar%26hl%3Den%26gbv%3D2%26tbs%3Disch:1&ei=_7LYS6jvLZWqtAP4rdWdBg