Some days

Some days are easier, some days are harder. Today has been a frustrating day as I just want to feel differently than I do, I want to think differently than I do, I want to be different than I am. Just such an overwhelming state of discontent, of anger, of tiredness, of wishing things were better than they were. I know it takes patience, I know it takes everyday learning. For some reason, I admire Donald Trump and Gene Simmons. Even though I know deep down I would despise a lot about them, at least they are doing exactly what they want to do. I envy that power to just say "I want that", and to get it. It seems the only way I've been able to get out of my traps is to fully accept them. A big part of me wants to fight to get what I want, to achieve it, to push through, but some days, I just feel so much disease within myself, all I want to do is to cover it up, distract myself from it, kill it, get rid of it, demolish it. I know there are a million and one ways to do that; how many of them make the matter worse? Some days.