Showing posts with label Life Philosophy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Philosophy. Show all posts
So Far Away
A couple days easy drive away from the Panama Canal, and all I can think about is how far i have pushed myself away from me. From spending time doing things I didn't want to, I wreaked havoc on my health; i found the outer limits of being human, and danced on the razor's edge for so long....... it's amazing I still care, still want to live and connect. From 2 decades of trying to be what I thought was expected of me, or what it would take to survive, I completely lost out on the joys of life, of living a life that is truly my own, truly representative of where I light up, where I gain my strength from. It will be a long road back, but I am already enjoying the journey.
excerpts from The Tao of Inner Peace Diane Dreher
Only one woman I knew didn't play this game. Pat told us when she was busy, when she could meet for lunch or tea. Phone calls with her averaged five minutes at most. Centred and disciplined, she was writing a novel and selling short stories while the rest of us squandered our energies over the wires.
Years of pleasing others had made her emotionally numb. Even her movements were stiff, almost mechanical. Out of touch with her centre, she met other people's needs until opposing loyalties turned conflict into crisis. The opposing "shoulds" were pulling her apart.
Intelligent and strong minded, Jim succeeds in every venture until he suddenly loses interest. Once the initial excitement fades, he decides this career isn't right for him and moves on. His centre, his identity, always remains outside. The elusive goal beckons, just beyond his grasp, promising this time.
What makes an intelligent woman such a chameleon? She keeps placing her cetnre outside in the hands of the man she loves. Once she gives herself away Christa becomes compulsively attached to her man, fussing, clinging and driving him crazy when he pulls away, strangled by her.
At birth all people are soft and yielding.
At death they are hard and stiff.
All green plants are tender and yielding.
At death they are brittle and dry.
When hard and rigid,
we consort with death.
When soft and flexible,
We affirm greater life. - Tao 76
Duane Elgin writes in Voluntary Simplicity that "Our civilizational crisis has emerged in no small part from the gross disparity that exists between our relatively underdeveloped 'inner faculties' and the extremely powerful external technologies now at our disposal. "As it is within, so it is without." An imbalanced world results from personal imbalance The Tao teaches uws to slow down, look within, and make wiser choices.
Lyle began work early, helping run his parents' theater in Little Falls, MN and found "there was always something interesting to do." Part of his detachment is humility. Over the years, he's worked with contractors, plumbers, and electricians, doing much of the work himself. "I never felt I was better than anyone I hired, " he told us. "Everything is an interesting job, a challenge," and he added again, "I never felt there was anything I don't like to do." People like Lyle live with wholeness of purpose, avoiding inner conflict. They embrace everything they do with interest and enthusiasm, the joy of Tao.
Living harmoniously takes effort. It's easy to fall into lazy thought patterns, succumbing to anger, resentment, self-pity, or the other negative emotions that tug away at us, dragging us into destructive cycles.
Years of pleasing others had made her emotionally numb. Even her movements were stiff, almost mechanical. Out of touch with her centre, she met other people's needs until opposing loyalties turned conflict into crisis. The opposing "shoulds" were pulling her apart.
Intelligent and strong minded, Jim succeeds in every venture until he suddenly loses interest. Once the initial excitement fades, he decides this career isn't right for him and moves on. His centre, his identity, always remains outside. The elusive goal beckons, just beyond his grasp, promising this time.
What makes an intelligent woman such a chameleon? She keeps placing her cetnre outside in the hands of the man she loves. Once she gives herself away Christa becomes compulsively attached to her man, fussing, clinging and driving him crazy when he pulls away, strangled by her.
At birth all people are soft and yielding.
At death they are hard and stiff.
All green plants are tender and yielding.
At death they are brittle and dry.
When hard and rigid,
we consort with death.
When soft and flexible,
We affirm greater life. - Tao 76
Duane Elgin writes in Voluntary Simplicity that "Our civilizational crisis has emerged in no small part from the gross disparity that exists between our relatively underdeveloped 'inner faculties' and the extremely powerful external technologies now at our disposal. "As it is within, so it is without." An imbalanced world results from personal imbalance The Tao teaches uws to slow down, look within, and make wiser choices.
Lyle began work early, helping run his parents' theater in Little Falls, MN and found "there was always something interesting to do." Part of his detachment is humility. Over the years, he's worked with contractors, plumbers, and electricians, doing much of the work himself. "I never felt I was better than anyone I hired, " he told us. "Everything is an interesting job, a challenge," and he added again, "I never felt there was anything I don't like to do." People like Lyle live with wholeness of purpose, avoiding inner conflict. They embrace everything they do with interest and enthusiasm, the joy of Tao.
Living harmoniously takes effort. It's easy to fall into lazy thought patterns, succumbing to anger, resentment, self-pity, or the other negative emotions that tug away at us, dragging us into destructive cycles.
Tree Roots, & Tree Tops
I have questioned everything. I have went to the brink once again, and pulled myself back. I know that worrying about my life is a complete and utter waste of time; that knowledge doesn't necessarily help me in stopping. What does help me stop is actually practicing shifting my focus, shifting my attention away from what is bothering me. From the annals of Buddha & Tao, the rooms filled with silent meditation, I know now my years of running around trying to occupy myself, and distract myself from what I really want in my life has wreaked havoc. I'm 38 years old and more lost than ever. This is perfect. For the first time, I feel hope that I can really find myself. In finding myself, I mean being myself.
This world is so full of distractions for me; loud noises, confusion, so many choices, so many people asking things, TV, media, music............ for me, I've felt it impossible at times to feel ok about being myself. The key has been getting away from it all, and being forced to deal with myself. I now know the power lies within me. My world is me. I am my world, and the more centred I become, the more I create my world from the inside out, the better I feel about living.
This world is so full of distractions for me; loud noises, confusion, so many choices, so many people asking things, TV, media, music............ for me, I've felt it impossible at times to feel ok about being myself. The key has been getting away from it all, and being forced to deal with myself. I now know the power lies within me. My world is me. I am my world, and the more centred I become, the more I create my world from the inside out, the better I feel about living.
There's that soap box!
How many of us would include "make the world a different place" on their bucket list? Why would anyone want to invest their time, money and efforts into something that may not see a result until after they're gone? It is a test of conscience, a testament to the greatness of the human spirit, the one thing that sets us apart from every other living creature on this earth.
With every reason to be selfish, it is now socially acceptable to think only of yourself. As we move farther and farther away from each other mentally, physically and emotionally through tv, computers, and work one can do whatever wants for oneself, as long as they are able to make enough money to support themselves. It is no longer necessary to consider the good of the group inherently. Certainly most of us connect regularly with our friends, family, coworkers but I argue that if one person is going into a school and blasting 20 people dead with a semi-automatic, that one person is just as important a reflection on the overall health of society as a whole whether it happens in Burma, or Stettler.
This will be our greatest test - will we ignore our pre-programmed biology and need to connect with others, or will we collectively come together, molting our hardened, technologically advanced skins to reconnect to our humanity? Specifically social efforts on women's rights, drug trafficking, violent crimes, human rights and abuses will continue to flounder against the collective consciousness, and global economy of desire.
The same desire for casinos, cocaine, and cash were satiated by the thrill of collectively hunting a large buffalo, or protecting the tribe from a tiger in primitive times. The ability to work together to take down a large animal required complex forms of communication, not the least of which was language, thought to start about 250,000 years ago. Stories would be told for generations of how the tribe sustained an attack from a rival group, or how a child miraculously survived a swim in a croc-infested river. People relied on each other for all of their needs, whether it be physical, or emotional. This I know, because i am connected to my ancestors in a way I cannot explain. Fortunately science backs my claims, and will continue to.
My friend mused on fb today about making a mouse-flavoured cat food. Funny and cute and a good idea, except for mouse-flavoured cat food would be a mouse itself, no? We will continue to move farther and farther away from knowing where our own food comes from (I have seen a few cows killed and slaughtered, and eat that same animal later) especially as the global move away from farms continues.
So, what do we do? We must all become experts in being human - from our ancient history to our future. We must learn to deal with rich & poor, or scrap the whole system and revolutionize society. As long as there is a difference between us whether it be our bank accounts, or our possessions, or our mental state, the people who don't have it, will want it, and will do anything to get it; the people who have it will invariably want more. This desire will continue to fuel the sex trade, the drug trade, and all the violent crimes outside and in between. We will all need to display an inordinate amount of tolerance, understanding and acceptance of ourselves and others. As long as religion teaches people more about living well in today's world, and less of trying to interpret a book written thousands of years ago, it will have a place, and purpose.
Build up your armies, fall victim to the same human programs of jealousy, aggression, allow oneself to enjoy every temptation, and every desire. I'm ok with that. It's going to happen. Hell, I do it from time to time myself and my guilt is getting smaller and more redundant. But, I still have, and always will have, a desire, and love for everyone, and to make the world a different place. Do I have to be the Prime Minister of Canada to make a difference? No, I don't and I already have in my own life but it has taken a lot of pain and eye-opening to things I did not want to see, or experience. I had to believe in the power of love, of family, of friends of myself to come out the other side with a much better understanding, and acceptance of humanity. What makes my thoughts different is that my eyes are wide-open now.
Let's stop building armies, skyscrapers, mansions, dams, and churches and start building us.
With every reason to be selfish, it is now socially acceptable to think only of yourself. As we move farther and farther away from each other mentally, physically and emotionally through tv, computers, and work one can do whatever wants for oneself, as long as they are able to make enough money to support themselves. It is no longer necessary to consider the good of the group inherently. Certainly most of us connect regularly with our friends, family, coworkers but I argue that if one person is going into a school and blasting 20 people dead with a semi-automatic, that one person is just as important a reflection on the overall health of society as a whole whether it happens in Burma, or Stettler.
This will be our greatest test - will we ignore our pre-programmed biology and need to connect with others, or will we collectively come together, molting our hardened, technologically advanced skins to reconnect to our humanity? Specifically social efforts on women's rights, drug trafficking, violent crimes, human rights and abuses will continue to flounder against the collective consciousness, and global economy of desire.
The same desire for casinos, cocaine, and cash were satiated by the thrill of collectively hunting a large buffalo, or protecting the tribe from a tiger in primitive times. The ability to work together to take down a large animal required complex forms of communication, not the least of which was language, thought to start about 250,000 years ago. Stories would be told for generations of how the tribe sustained an attack from a rival group, or how a child miraculously survived a swim in a croc-infested river. People relied on each other for all of their needs, whether it be physical, or emotional. This I know, because i am connected to my ancestors in a way I cannot explain. Fortunately science backs my claims, and will continue to.
My friend mused on fb today about making a mouse-flavoured cat food. Funny and cute and a good idea, except for mouse-flavoured cat food would be a mouse itself, no? We will continue to move farther and farther away from knowing where our own food comes from (I have seen a few cows killed and slaughtered, and eat that same animal later) especially as the global move away from farms continues.
So, what do we do? We must all become experts in being human - from our ancient history to our future. We must learn to deal with rich & poor, or scrap the whole system and revolutionize society. As long as there is a difference between us whether it be our bank accounts, or our possessions, or our mental state, the people who don't have it, will want it, and will do anything to get it; the people who have it will invariably want more. This desire will continue to fuel the sex trade, the drug trade, and all the violent crimes outside and in between. We will all need to display an inordinate amount of tolerance, understanding and acceptance of ourselves and others. As long as religion teaches people more about living well in today's world, and less of trying to interpret a book written thousands of years ago, it will have a place, and purpose.
Build up your armies, fall victim to the same human programs of jealousy, aggression, allow oneself to enjoy every temptation, and every desire. I'm ok with that. It's going to happen. Hell, I do it from time to time myself and my guilt is getting smaller and more redundant. But, I still have, and always will have, a desire, and love for everyone, and to make the world a different place. Do I have to be the Prime Minister of Canada to make a difference? No, I don't and I already have in my own life but it has taken a lot of pain and eye-opening to things I did not want to see, or experience. I had to believe in the power of love, of family, of friends of myself to come out the other side with a much better understanding, and acceptance of humanity. What makes my thoughts different is that my eyes are wide-open now.
Let's stop building armies, skyscrapers, mansions, dams, and churches and start building us.
Costa Rican Strip Club
I feel I'm not quite ready to share this experience. I believe my writing will continue to improve, and be much more entertaining as I wean myself off of people pleasing. But let me tell you this: it was a fantastic experience, and has gotten me thinking about a number of social, economic, and personal issues we all face as human beings. Sex sells, and it always will, even if we all become robots.
Night Terrors
I've had troubling nightmares that have caused me to yell, scream, and run since i was 6. Now it has softened to a yelp, and a few moments aimlessly walking around the room. Usually dreaming I'm trapped in some other dark house and I can't get out. For the last couple months it has centred around the bike, either being impossibly far away, stolen, or ripped in a million pieces, and me hopelessly lost. Put a fright into the staff at the hostel here a couple nights ago, as the walls only go 3/4 up and paperthin. For me, I'm tired and sore most of the day from the nighttime excertions. So I'm going out to surf again to hell with it life it short i've spent a lifetime worrying about what i'm supposed to be, and what i'm supposed to do, and how much money i'm supposed to make and what girl i'm supposed to talk to, and it's become a miserable mess of wasted time.
My friend Joanne just passed away from cancer, quickly slipping away in days. I'm sure she was thinking she wished she worried more when she was alive.
My friend Joanne just passed away from cancer, quickly slipping away in days. I'm sure she was thinking she wished she worried more when she was alive.
Pelicula
Movies, movies, movies. A great way to learn Spanish. Marivy has tons, and so far, I have watched Kung Fu Panda (inspiring), Alice In Wonderland (amazing effects), The Departed (many errors in continuity surprising for a Scorsese flick), Wall-E (touching, thought-provoking) , Inglorious Basterds (disturbing) , Pitch Black (a little heavy on monsters, light on story), The Chronicles of Riddick (Vin Diesel produced the 2nd one, maybe negotiating after the 1st, and raked in the cash) and 9 (glorious display of animation). I get time to chill out, and learn a new language.
Perhaps the most intriguing and thought provoking was when I found a continuity error in the movie The Departed, which, if I'm not mistaken, won an Academy Award, or at least was nominated. After seeing Matt Damon's supposedly handcuffed hand pop out in the elevator after DiCaprio's character manhandles him there, I thought I'd look into if anyone else saw it. Well, yes, that and 64 other mistakes. http://www.moviemistakes.com/film6261
SPOILER ALERT! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS!!!
It got me to thinking: if a man as talented, rich and famous as Scorsese can get away with this, is it because of his stature, or because people just really don't care as long as you are giving them something good? Like a sleight of hand, people won't notice your mistakes if you don't give them away? Unlike lying, it's a more forgiving, more human error. Such a coincidence that Matt Damon's character turned out to be the biggest liar of them all, almost successfully pulling the wool over everyone's eyes by systematically killing all his rivals, directly and indirectly.
Perhaps the most intriguing and thought provoking was when I found a continuity error in the movie The Departed, which, if I'm not mistaken, won an Academy Award, or at least was nominated. After seeing Matt Damon's supposedly handcuffed hand pop out in the elevator after DiCaprio's character manhandles him there, I thought I'd look into if anyone else saw it. Well, yes, that and 64 other mistakes. http://www.moviemistakes.com/film6261
SPOILER ALERT! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS!!!
It got me to thinking: if a man as talented, rich and famous as Scorsese can get away with this, is it because of his stature, or because people just really don't care as long as you are giving them something good? Like a sleight of hand, people won't notice your mistakes if you don't give them away? Unlike lying, it's a more forgiving, more human error. Such a coincidence that Matt Damon's character turned out to be the biggest liar of them all, almost successfully pulling the wool over everyone's eyes by systematically killing all his rivals, directly and indirectly.
Velasquez
An inspiring night compliments of a humble Latino champion who beat Brock Lesnar. I realized a lot of things I didn't like about how my life was going, and it was a fresh start after watching it all unfold. I too am a warrior, and it it time to be who I always knew I could be. One day, one moment at a time. Dedication, devotion, hard work, sacrifice.Brock Lesnar was only a couple inches taller than most of his opponents, but his extra twenty pounds made him seem just as large as Ivan Drago to Rocky. My fascination with him started two years ago, after his first UFC (real)
match coming from WWE (fake). It was against Frank Mir, who became my hero after beating the big silverback with a leg submission. See the first photo at left.Their rematch did not turn out so tidily for Mir, and he was finished brutally, quickly and violently. Below, against a dwarved Randy Couture, Lesnar won that match and the title belt handily despite his opponent's experience and skill; basically a ground and pound. This was only after his 4th, or 5th match. I wanted him to lose
because he was so cocky, and I always love an underdog.Finally, Shane Carwin, a man with a perfect 12-0 record, someone I could believe in. Although the first round featured Carwin pounding the heck out of Lesnar, the 2nd round ended with a submission choke hold by Lesnar. Tonight, how could Cain Velasquez, and I overcome such a seemingly insurmoutable, immovable mountain?
I ignored the pain in my face, stomach, hips and arms and focussed completely on the fight, and put myself in the place of Cain Velasquez. You just can't let that big 264 pounder get on top of you, but he did and miraculously got back up. It's the same battle with physical pain. Worrying about it coming, or being there is secondary to the task of getting your
brain to focus on something else. Pain is registered in the brain, so if you are not focussed on it, it doesn't exist.
I'll never forget a friend who was in a serious car crash when she was younger, went through a wheelchair to play baseball and dance again. We all have this ability to do it, and the pain of exercising daily is necessary as well as the mindful relaxation required to calm the tense muscles. Your body will instinctively react to a pain with tension - it is your job to be the boss, and change your brain pattern from pain, to connection with life. Ever wonder how your pain disappears when you are focussed on something intently? I worked late into the night with this strategy, and realized my 'tiredness' was just a physical communication to my brain. I felt dizzy, but I worked through it, knowing I would feel better soon.
Kenya
My grey and white fluffy cat had been missing for several days from Bonnie's house. I wasn't worried; she's very independent and seems to stay close to home. I received an email last night from a person who was taking care of Kenya temporarily, who was sleeping on their patio chair and basically hanging around their house. As she was worried about coyotes and cars, she decided to keep Kenya until she could find her home. She called the SPCA, found my name, and consequently found my blog about trying to find a home for her and Sudan before I left. Another 6 degrees of separation, someone at the shelter I believe did some searching of her own after receiving the first person's call, and ended up getting in contact with my friend Amanda. All of this work brought Kenya back home, and Bonnie bought a couple collars for them with her phone number on them. It's flea season, so their necks are pretty full these days. Bonnie will be keeping the cat indoors, against her wishes, for a while, at least until the coyotes cool down a bit. It made me realize how little I knew the neighbors when I lived there, as Kenya ended up about 4 doors down from Bonnie's house.
Big Lights, Big City
Ciudad de Mexico - I drove around almost 2 hours just to find a hotel! My luck in Guadalajara for finding my friends house without a map, and only speaking to locals, did not translate to here. Mind you there's about 25 million more people here. But its a quick note to say I'm ok and found a clean hotel room for $20 / night. Note: I found out later it was a by-the-hour abode, and explains why there were several couples in the lobby that night waiting for an available room. Luis thinks I'm lucky to be alive.
some clarification mexico city has the largest footprint in the world, but is 2nd in population. The largest city, population wise, is Tokyo, Japan. Damn big no matter how you slice it.
some clarification mexico city has the largest footprint in the world, but is 2nd in population. The largest city, population wise, is Tokyo, Japan. Damn big no matter how you slice it.
Thoughts on Personality
Two people had replied to me on my first attempt at couch surfing. The first one was suspicious, judgemental and all together negative. I felt bad. The second guy was so friendly, positive, open, and accepting without any doubts. I felt great. Neither people had ever seen me before, and could only guess my disposition from a profile I had only posted less than 24 hours prior. What if I looked different? What if my ability to communicate was different? It got me to thinking: If enough people that surround you help you into believing you are a bad person, especially as a child, your chance of being one will be that much higher. That's it. If you get it into your little human brain that you are not enough exactly the way you are, then you will do all kinds of anti-social things to prove it:
stealing, lying, cheating, killing, all so you can be better than the victim. Take something from them. It's easier to do when you think the other person has no connection to you, not in your circle. I had very low self-esteem growing up, and I didn't give a shit about other people when I was lonely, scared, or feeling not good enough. Here's where the problem comes: the victim then begins to lose all trust in humanity, and starts protecting, defending, and closing off. Now, magnify this from an immediate family, to the extended family, to a community, to a city, country and world. You have now got an entire world consisting of people that are scared of each other, and they don't even know each other. There is so much needless pain and suffering. It is our responsibility to create a better world for everyone on this earth. How?A respected educator in my hometown made a speech years ago that my parents had relayed to me, basically saying that if a kid is bad, it is no fault but their own. I will never forget that, because I feel the statement requires so much more interpretation before it can be considered true. I wonder if he knew how much affect his
statement had on me, and I wasn't even there?All the more reason in my mind to be 100% sure about what comes out of my mouth, especially if I were in a position of authority. Let's take fault out of the equation. It is the parents, community and world's responsibility how a child is brought up, and each person's responsibility to make appropriate decisions as an adult. Yes, agreed, actions, behaviours, words, it all comes from you, but if the people around you are not capable of dialect with you as a child to make sure the message you're getting is positive you could very well end up a 'bad' person, and a bad person I mean someone who screws with other people in someway.
Am I nieve? Reckless? Stupid? A little daft in the head? Preachy? Consider this attitude is one of survival. I am riding a big black and shiny chrome motorcycle through arguably some of the most dangerous areas in the world. People can sense my fear, or lack thereof. It is my responsibility to be aware of my surroundings, but I make it clear every single person I meet gets the benefit of the doubt: you are a good person. If I show fear, or contempt, or judgement, they will sense that, and their behaviour changes instantly. Every single one of us wants to be loved and accepted exactly the way we are. I ain't no evangelical love hippy, it is a declaration of what this human world really needs. I see it not so much as a survival, but as a means to enjoy existence, and to share it. Our civilizations all had a time when there was no need for bars on windows, and cages around our hearts. We will always have a human desire to defend ourselves, but we must find a way to counterract our natural mechanisms and find a different way. The world is getting smaller and smaller and more and more complicated. Open up. Take a chance, change someone's life simply with your attitude towards them.
Mulege Maelstrom
This area was devastated by a major hurricane just 2 years ago. I'm relating to a symbol of the hurricane, and how this trip has been about walking into the eye of the storm. Just chatting with my cousin Shelley, and mentioned to her how she is on a journey herself, with children, and grandchildren, and a family. The only difference is that everyday on the road I've endeavoured to listen to the new opportunities that come up in front of me, and to follow them regardless of my fear, or uncertainty. With the rigamarole of daily family life, it is necessary in my opinion to build routine. To resist is to tempt chaos. One does not need to ride a motorcycle from Canada to Brazil to discover one-self, but there are certainly more chances to break that routine. To break the routine, you must shed your skin, and release yourself from the human necessity to stay organized, planned, and safe.
A 3 km ride east of town through a 3 year road construction project was for one simple goal: have the first jump in the ocean since the middle of August. The beach was full of rocks and seashells with some deep sand but I jumped up and down to get the heavy bike up on top of it. Stripped down to my skivvies with not a soul watching, then floated in the salt-laden Sea of Cortes, a comforting 86 degree wash up. The aches in my back were soothed as my body floated effortlessly in the water, and despite the salt wash the wounds on my feet also. Staying longer than my monkey mind would allow, I elect to come back to the bike and find a suitable campsite to beat the sunset. A grey haired fellow on a quad spots me, and I put my head down instinctively to avoid eye contact. I'm thinking he's a local come to tell me to get the hell off the beach. Martine. What a character.
I confront the fear by being unusually open and friendly, my usual defence. He responds in kind, and offers an awesome beach site to camp. I follow him on the road, and lose him a couple times. He comes up behind me out of nowhere and says "you need to get groceries?" "No, I'm fine, no worries" I respond. "Well, you were supposed to turn back there!" he says, with a not so subtle hint of 'why didn't you know that?' "Ok!" We go past his house, and back through a space in the fence, down closer to sea level. The road is rocky; this Yamaha V-star is built for cruising, not 4x4ing. We come down into the flats, and out onto some slick. I'm down, burning my leg with gasoline pouring out of the tank. Marty comes back, meanwhile I'm pulling a thick piece of brush impaled in my right hip. Everything has to come off, as it's too heavy and with no purchase for my bare feet to hold, I'm thinking disaster. Marty offers 'AAA'. I laugh. Fortunately the edge of the road is solid, and I put my back into it with Marty's assistance. We get it up, and Marty profusely apologizes for forgetting about the rainstorms 2 nights ago. It was such a rarity, he didn't even think about it, especially since the quad is much more versatile.
After a preparatory session, I head up a steep, rocky hill sans any baggage generously taken by Marty. A spot is found, and quickly abandoned as he motions me to come further. A trail of gloves meet me, and I'm judging him now; he had been drinking. "No," I think, "I can make this work". Safely on dry ground now, I look over the bike, and myself. Tires caked in mud, blood dripping out of thigh, and mud up to my knees. I'm exhausted. Marty tells me he'll give me time to get set up, while he goes into town to stock up with beer.
I come back into town without much fanfare, and am offered steak shish-kabobs and a warm bed for the night by the neighbours, and despite my wants elect to decline the offer but tell them I'll come over for a visit later. Marty's house is next, and a wild dog looking thing is waving it's tail, with two cute kittens lifting up theirs. Marty's rough and tough exterior is softened with charm and a silver tongue, and he yells at me to get in the house and to not be scared of it. We sit down and chat. Revolutionary Road is on the TV, and I try to tell him it's not really an appropriate movie to watch when you're visiting, but he continues on. After being a sniper in the Vietnam War, he has taken those sharpshooter skills into an entirely different world: seducing young tender women. (Over 21 as per Marty)
He told me of a time he was down at the cock fights some time ago, flirting with the local chiquitas when the head of the local cartel spots him and motions him over with a wave of the hand. Marty had unknowingly assisted him and his partner's broken down Jeep sometime before with a battery problem. The cartel boss' appreciation was soon to reap benefits, as he was on the way that day to make a bank deposit with a million dollars in a couple suitcases. Back to the fights: Marty (Martine) sits on the right hand side of the boss, with the hand of a demi-god blessing his arrival. Everyone is holding up their bets in anticipation of a winner, until 4 police walk in, and the money goes under their butts. The police look over to the boss, who puts his right arm around Marty for a moment, then takes it off. Marty's previous police problems were instantly a memory. Every time since, he's met with warm hellos and greetings whenever the policia are driving by.
Muchos dineros
I've always been obsessed with money. Well, not always. In fact, only since about the middle of high school. Somehow I decided that if I knew how to make money, I would be ok in every other part of my life. Today, I think I know how to make money, but I'm not sure. I would like to know, just to say I did it. Correction: I would like to know how to make money without killing myself. Paciencia? Well, that's gotta be a part of it for sure. Riesgo? Suerte? All of the above, and none of them are worth anything if you don't give it a try. God, I've been wracking my brain over this for years. I'm a stubborn son of a bitch, and one who would die trying to get the answer to something. My health has paid the price, in back pain, stomach aches, jaw pain and sore, tense muscles. I just keep putting up with it in a vain attempt to be rich. It's like that damn ball I just tried to hit at ballgames as a kid and just couldn't as hard as I tried. Focus? Is my ADD the culprit?
Paciencia
Today Cico and I started off the day with an amazing conversation. I had told him I was upset with a conversation my girlfriend and I had had the night before, and it went from there. He was quite surprised about the life I described for him of what Canada has been like for me. Competitive, always on the go, always looking for more money. I tried to blame it on my neighbour, but he nailed it - it was me. It was me who was creating this need to be better, to be the best. In his world, he runs a restaurant, hotel, and convenience store, and doesn't use a bank. He's lived in the bachelor's apartment above the restaurant for 15 years. Whenever money comes in, he uses it to upgrade the buildings. I really got the freedom and ease as to how he lives his life - within his own means. It reminds me of the Iranian fellow I befriended back in Vancouver who said they don't use credit cards in his country. If you are poor, you stay poor. Basically, you accept the way your life is, and that's it. I thought at the time it was unfair to those people who are poor, but I question that now.
If we are in the poor bracket, we only know we are poor if we COMPARE. If there is no comparison, there is no problem. The problem some non-profit organizations have is that they favour one person, or one family, and the rest of the community become jealous. It is easy to look at someone in the third world and think their life is so horrible, and that we must do something. Our help can be misguided so easily, as we come and go for a couple weeks, throw some cash in to the mix, and expect change. First, it's important to accept that everything is ok the way it is. Why do people want to help others in third world countries and they haven't talked to their own brother for 6 months? Interesting.
Overall, it made me realize how impatient I am. I want it all now. If I don't get it, I start to worry that I won't have enough, and start an elaborate planning session of how I can make my self better. Life is a constant battle, a constant struggle. Sure, things would have been different had I not worked so hard to change my life, but it wouldn't have been better or worse. Yo quisiera estar tranquilo. I would like to be peaceful.
If we are in the poor bracket, we only know we are poor if we COMPARE. If there is no comparison, there is no problem. The problem some non-profit organizations have is that they favour one person, or one family, and the rest of the community become jealous. It is easy to look at someone in the third world and think their life is so horrible, and that we must do something. Our help can be misguided so easily, as we come and go for a couple weeks, throw some cash in to the mix, and expect change. First, it's important to accept that everything is ok the way it is. Why do people want to help others in third world countries and they haven't talked to their own brother for 6 months? Interesting.
Overall, it made me realize how impatient I am. I want it all now. If I don't get it, I start to worry that I won't have enough, and start an elaborate planning session of how I can make my self better. Life is a constant battle, a constant struggle. Sure, things would have been different had I not worked so hard to change my life, but it wouldn't have been better or worse. Yo quisiera estar tranquilo. I would like to be peaceful.
C'mon Jason
Ah.... the battle of the mind. The last 24 hours have seen a marked difference in my moods. Questions, constant questions, and ill at ease with life and my place in it. What am I doing here? What is my value here? Am I even relevant? Why is life so difficult? Why am I never consistently at ease?
I took a Landmark Education seminar called 'An Invented Life'. The premise behind the 3 hours on one night a week for 3 months course is simple: you can create yourself, from scratch, in any fashion. The people in my group, when given the opportunity, unanimously agreed: The one thing they want for Jason, is to be at peace within himself. Why can't I find peace within myself? Am I so attached to the belief I have about myself right now? If I've taken all these courses, and truly believe I can change how I think, and therefore change how I feel, why am I not doing it?
As I write this, I'm finding this indelible urge to cover up, to hide the truth, to whitewash my thoughts for you. I really want to look good in front of you. I want to look composed, cool and with it. Maybe to be successful in life you have to keep those inside voices to yourself. Once people find out what really goes on in your head, they will chastise you. It's for that reason I wrote 'THIS BLOG'S FOR ME'. It wasn't for some selfish, self-centred motive, except to write for my enjoyment, for my pleasure, for my judgement only. It was simply to remember why I'm going through all this effort, and hardship - to honestly, and truly create my world, in my image. Woah, talk about a God complex! Seriously, I believe that for me to truly feel at peace in this world, I need to see it as one that works for me, not against me. As a recovering people-pleaser I find this the hardest, trusting myself that I will be ok in the world as myself, with my own thoughts, actions, and personality. My world seems to teeter a bit when I start thinking and postulating that maybe who I am is inherently retarded somehow, somehow something missing, or defective, or wrong, and is unable to survive in this world. Maybe, I start thinking, I need to consult with someone else, or ask someone else's opinion. If the world was a simple, straight forward eat what you can catch, pro-create, survive and die, then I have no doubt I would be fine. But this world, this seemingly ever so complicated social network one needs to be successful. That is the crux, a constant battle of not being good enough, not feeling good enough. In my mind, there is always someone who can do it better, and fighting this thought only makes it worse.
Teaching English as a Second Language was special, in that I created being a teacher from scratch. From shutting down my company, to taking teaching lessons, to getting the job, and enjoying the hell out of that job, it was all mine. After about a year into teaching, I was unable to consistently plan my lessons. I was the Activities Coordinator too, and getting home at 8 or 9 o'clock, with an empty lesson plan was not good. Eventually, I was going to school without a lesson plan. Complete and utter improv. It was working out, but I started feeling so badly about my performance, so embarrassed of what I was giving the students for their hard-earned money, so scared of being unable to answer questions from students. I had to quit. I just had to quit. I couldn't find a way out. I couldn't find a way through. It was a disaster. The job I loved so much, gone. By my hands. My mind just stopped working. The strict rules, and regiments I placed on the creation process bound my hands so tight, I could barely put pencil to paper. Now, today, those same feelings are coming out. Who the hell am I to think I can write?
Patience is the key. Patience is a virtue. It might take all night, but that's what it might take to get the process going. I have chosen this life of constantly creating new challenges for myself, and I must continue to believe in the process. I am not the man I was 3 years ago, and yet those challenges still exist. I must continue facing them until I feel I'm in a place where life is at ease, and there is peace within myself. This is exactly what I was looking for when I chose to make this trip.
Here's an excerpt from my friend Robert's website for artists:
Working from life in natural situations is a shared invasion of privacy. Relaxed and in their environment, you are in a position to see their flaws. They, on the other hand, can find a miracle in your efforts. Share yourself and your gift. Both will be treasured like no other. "People," said Bernard Poulin, "don't often get a chance to stare at each other. They begin to tell you about themselves. It's like a confessional. It's a privilege to share someone's life like that."
It really came at a perfect time, as I'll gladly open up and share with people, as long as I know they understand, and respect that I'm giving them a gift of myself. Just now, a fellow walked through the room, and we had a perfectly fine, comfortable greeting in Spanish. This is my third day in Mexico. I guess I can do some things right.
I took a Landmark Education seminar called 'An Invented Life'. The premise behind the 3 hours on one night a week for 3 months course is simple: you can create yourself, from scratch, in any fashion. The people in my group, when given the opportunity, unanimously agreed: The one thing they want for Jason, is to be at peace within himself. Why can't I find peace within myself? Am I so attached to the belief I have about myself right now? If I've taken all these courses, and truly believe I can change how I think, and therefore change how I feel, why am I not doing it?
As I write this, I'm finding this indelible urge to cover up, to hide the truth, to whitewash my thoughts for you. I really want to look good in front of you. I want to look composed, cool and with it. Maybe to be successful in life you have to keep those inside voices to yourself. Once people find out what really goes on in your head, they will chastise you. It's for that reason I wrote 'THIS BLOG'S FOR ME'. It wasn't for some selfish, self-centred motive, except to write for my enjoyment, for my pleasure, for my judgement only. It was simply to remember why I'm going through all this effort, and hardship - to honestly, and truly create my world, in my image. Woah, talk about a God complex! Seriously, I believe that for me to truly feel at peace in this world, I need to see it as one that works for me, not against me. As a recovering people-pleaser I find this the hardest, trusting myself that I will be ok in the world as myself, with my own thoughts, actions, and personality. My world seems to teeter a bit when I start thinking and postulating that maybe who I am is inherently retarded somehow, somehow something missing, or defective, or wrong, and is unable to survive in this world. Maybe, I start thinking, I need to consult with someone else, or ask someone else's opinion. If the world was a simple, straight forward eat what you can catch, pro-create, survive and die, then I have no doubt I would be fine. But this world, this seemingly ever so complicated social network one needs to be successful. That is the crux, a constant battle of not being good enough, not feeling good enough. In my mind, there is always someone who can do it better, and fighting this thought only makes it worse.
Teaching English as a Second Language was special, in that I created being a teacher from scratch. From shutting down my company, to taking teaching lessons, to getting the job, and enjoying the hell out of that job, it was all mine. After about a year into teaching, I was unable to consistently plan my lessons. I was the Activities Coordinator too, and getting home at 8 or 9 o'clock, with an empty lesson plan was not good. Eventually, I was going to school without a lesson plan. Complete and utter improv. It was working out, but I started feeling so badly about my performance, so embarrassed of what I was giving the students for their hard-earned money, so scared of being unable to answer questions from students. I had to quit. I just had to quit. I couldn't find a way out. I couldn't find a way through. It was a disaster. The job I loved so much, gone. By my hands. My mind just stopped working. The strict rules, and regiments I placed on the creation process bound my hands so tight, I could barely put pencil to paper. Now, today, those same feelings are coming out. Who the hell am I to think I can write?
Patience is the key. Patience is a virtue. It might take all night, but that's what it might take to get the process going. I have chosen this life of constantly creating new challenges for myself, and I must continue to believe in the process. I am not the man I was 3 years ago, and yet those challenges still exist. I must continue facing them until I feel I'm in a place where life is at ease, and there is peace within myself. This is exactly what I was looking for when I chose to make this trip.
Here's an excerpt from my friend Robert's website for artists:
Working from life in natural situations is a shared invasion of privacy. Relaxed and in their environment, you are in a position to see their flaws. They, on the other hand, can find a miracle in your efforts. Share yourself and your gift. Both will be treasured like no other. "People," said Bernard Poulin, "don't often get a chance to stare at each other. They begin to tell you about themselves. It's like a confessional. It's a privilege to share someone's life like that."
It really came at a perfect time, as I'll gladly open up and share with people, as long as I know they understand, and respect that I'm giving them a gift of myself. Just now, a fellow walked through the room, and we had a perfectly fine, comfortable greeting in Spanish. This is my third day in Mexico. I guess I can do some things right.
One Life One Chance
Travel through Baja California has been sensational, in many ways if not to awaken the senses. Amazing vistas, the smell of charcoal burning in stoves, and a chorus of exotic birds mingling with early morning rooster crows, and barking dogs. Several stretches yesterday of blown-out roads, and construction which made for slow going, but the only highway menaces were the rotting carcasses of the odd pet gone astray. I took it all in stride; I was riding my motorcycle in Mexico, an experience I had never even dared to dream just one year before!Cactus farms were quite fascinati
ng, and a reminder this wasn't Kansas. They love them here, as a vegetable variety, that tastes similar to a combination of a zucchini, and cucumber. Do not try this with the one in your kitchen window, as they are not the same. Overall,it's a very fertile area, with alien-like mounds set in mathematical distance from each other. These are built to minimize weeds, and allow for easier pulling of veggies, which are planted on top.
I believe the things we should really be scared about are the things that don't even cross our worried minds. A stop in town is met by two large German Shepherds who don't like motorcycles. I stay calm, and turn off the bike as soon as possible. The auto shop owner calls them off. A peace offering: pork chips, to somehow ward off any bad puppy mood. As soon as the bike is started, they act up again. I yell at the younger one to go home, and I need to everytime I rev it to get on the highway. The deep dirt mixed with gravel, combined with the threat of a dog attack required some
attention. Here's a pic when we were on the same side; I still sensed he wasn't too keen on me leaving.My promise to stop earlier, and avoid night-time driving paid off as it should. Around 7 pm, after stopping at the Mercado for supplies, a final 'camp' sign just outside San Quintin (san kwi-teen), or more accurately Los Cardenas, about 300 km south of the Tijuana border. A dirt road turns into another, with a garden grove of hundreds of trees neatly planted in lines with green grass planted in between. It could have been a backyard in Chilliwack. I mention this to Ed, the caretaker of the property, and he confirms my suspicions. losolivosrvpark.com is around $6 a night, in stark comparison to the KOA in San Diego.
That was exactly how it was developed. A couple from the other B.C. spear-headed a non-profit organization, funded the start-up cash, developed a board of directors, and bought a piece of property made into a campsite, and base camp for volunteers, who are picked up in San Diego. When they arrive, they form groups, and start creating projects for the local community. Here is their link:
http://www.onelifeonechance.ca/index.cfm
They may build a house, or cook a supper, but whatever they end up doing, the transformations are profound, for both the giver and receiver. Shoes, for example, are in suc
h great need here, that people are moved to return home without their own. The people have tears in their eyes they are so thankful because it may be the first set of decent shoes they've ever owned. The pair of shoes you have on right now would be fought over if given the chance.To the right is Ed, and the bus they use to pick up volunteers. He's a fellow blogger, writing about his experience down here volunteering his time for others. http://edinmexico19.blogspot.com/
He has most kindly allowed me to hook up his telcel connection directly to my computer to speed things up a bit. This company is owned by Carlos 'Slim' Heju, currently the richest man in the world ahead of Buffett and Gates. As there are no income taxes in Mexico, he must have a few connections here to have catapulted himself into the upper echelon of rich. Landlines are hard to find, so any wireless, or cellular connection is often the only way to communicate - and it all funnels through the pockets of 'Slim'. His mere existence must give some people here a bit of imagination to think of what is possible, regardless of your nationality.
As I write this, all sorts of travel advisories are in effect for Mexico, according to my mother. Puts a guy at ease.
L.A.'s Fashion District
It was a decent excuse to check out L.A.: I needed to get a passport. If you ever need someone to find the most expensive parking in a city, come and talk to me. The parking lot below the Canadian Consulate seemed like a slam-dunk - two turns off the freeway, and I'm there. The attendant informed me motorcycles had to pay for parking as well, of which I told him I wasn't surprised. The surprise came when he told me it was $20 per hour. I ended up paying $8 for about 13 minutes of parking, as I had hit the office over their lunch hour. 
One block away, and I got parking all day for $5. Once all the passport photos and notarizing were completed, I could do a bit of sightseeing.
I hadn't a clue that I was in the middle of L.A.'s fashion district. Stores upon stores stacked with rolls of fabric, others filled with mannequins wearing tight jeans, and street after street of sunglasses, t-shirts, and especially women's clothes. A hidden alcove was full of people, music, and store staff yelling out their special deals. It was a large m
arketplace reminiscent of Mexico, with hidden walkways, and store behind store. It was intriguing to me that everyday, these people sell stuff. All day, every day, they don't have food on the table unless people buy their stuff. I felt a bit of an empty pit in my stomach, I didn't know why. I take a break at Chessco's for some authentic Mexican food, get chatting with the couple beside me, and they end up paying for my meal. I create a new word, combining Karma, with Charm: Charma. Do not confuse with Charmin people. That's a whole 'nother joke. A homeless Vietnam Vet sits down and shows me his poetry at the Starbuck's. His name is James Harper, and here is the opening verse as an excerpt:
Vietnam is my TEST-A-MENT
I was taken from home and trained to kill,
Another human being against my will.
He fought real hard to protect himself, and his land.
I had no choice but survive and now I live with blood on my hand.
He was adamant that his poetry was on the internet, but it wasn't. A couple other bloggers had referred to him and their experiences in meeting him, but no actual website devoted to his writing. Meeting him left me with an empty feeling - good people just not able to get anything going in life. Hopeless, meaningless, the future exactly the same as the present. I questioned whether this man would be able to find peace and happiness in his life. Somehow I consoled myself by reasoning that humans are amazingly adaptable, and that regardless of one's circumstances, no matter how difficult, can see light in the most impossibly dark places. I have a feeling Mr. Harper has a few smiles in his day nonetheless.
One block away, and I got parking all day for $5. Once all the passport photos and notarizing were completed, I could do a bit of sightseeing.I hadn't a clue that I was in the middle of L.A.'s fashion district. Stores upon stores stacked with rolls of fabric, others filled with mannequins wearing tight jeans, and street after street of sunglasses, t-shirts, and especially women's clothes. A hidden alcove was full of people, music, and store staff yelling out their special deals. It was a large m
arketplace reminiscent of Mexico, with hidden walkways, and store behind store. It was intriguing to me that everyday, these people sell stuff. All day, every day, they don't have food on the table unless people buy their stuff. I felt a bit of an empty pit in my stomach, I didn't know why. I take a break at Chessco's for some authentic Mexican food, get chatting with the couple beside me, and they end up paying for my meal. I create a new word, combining Karma, with Charm: Charma. Do not confuse with Charmin people. That's a whole 'nother joke. A homeless Vietnam Vet sits down and shows me his poetry at the Starbuck's. His name is James Harper, and here is the opening verse as an excerpt:Vietnam is my TEST-A-MENT
I was taken from home and trained to kill,
Another human being against my will.
He fought real hard to protect himself, and his land.
I had no choice but survive and now I live with blood on my hand.
He was adamant that his poetry was on the internet, but it wasn't. A couple other bloggers had referred to him and their experiences in meeting him, but no actual website devoted to his writing. Meeting him left me with an empty feeling - good people just not able to get anything going in life. Hopeless, meaningless, the future exactly the same as the present. I questioned whether this man would be able to find peace and happiness in his life. Somehow I consoled myself by reasoning that humans are amazingly adaptable, and that regardless of one's circumstances, no matter how difficult, can see light in the most impossibly dark places. I have a feeling Mr. Harper has a few smiles in his day nonetheless.
Paradise
The first gas station I got to, I asked the attendant about the 'Sierra Grande Hotel'. Richard the Tuna Boy and Irene had told me about a 'burner-friendly' hotel in Reno that offered a 2-for-1 deal, when I stopped them to say hello outside the Gerlach pub. I asked the young fellow manning the cash register for a yellow pages, which turned up nothing. He didn't know anything about it either, but he did say "well, this guy would know," when an elderly gent walked in. Sure enough, the Grand Sierra Resort (helps if I got the name rig
ht) ended up right where he said it was. I was expecting a 'burner-friendly' establishment to be an old, run-down place with ripped off wall-paper, and rooms stinking of stale cigarette smoke. But no, it looked to be the biggest in Reno, with a massive casino, movie theatre, funquest play park, RV park, and the list just goes on. Driving into the parking lot, I saw an art car in the shape of a skull, and I knew this was the place.
It was exceptionally interesting to see all the hippies from Burning Man mix and mingle with the gamblers, and businessmen. As I was dressed rather conservatively, if not a bit dusty, I attracted one comment from a fellow who said, "there's something weird going on here. I'm feeling way overdressed." I'm sure the hippies and I appreciated the warm showers, hot tubs, swimming pools, and warm, clean beds more than anyone else in that place. I soon found out why the hotel was so cheap, and why they wanted us there so badly.
Free drinks were served to anyone who was gambling. Never being much of a gambler, I would do it only if I happened to be in a casino for Bonnie's show or something. This time, I had two days to waste, and recover, and hey I was getting free drinks. I lost $80 on the penny slots, realizing that the odds on these machines were never really in my favour. There's a reason why these places build casinos: to make money. I was happy to quit while I still could, yet I wondered about these people, these perfectly fine, normal, capable people, who come to gamble everyday. It seemed like such a waste of humanity - these people inserting their money into the machine in hopes of winning big. What would be possible if, instead of casinos, they were out doing meals-on-wheels? Would that make a difference? I felt deflated, and disgusted with myself.
Perhaps I was reading too much into it. This just wasn't in Vegas, or Reno. All throughout the main streets of Montana and Idaho. One place in Montana offered a casino and a laundromat, so you can gamble and wash your clothes at the same time. Convenience! I enjoy the casino machines, and I enjoy video games, and movies. Before these things, and TV came along, people had to entertain themselves. What did they do? They talked, they had dinners together, they went for walks, they worked together. I don't need a doctorate in sociology to see a link between the break-down of our social connections, and societal ills. We need to give ourselves some reason to connect with each other, help each other, and be generous with our time, one person at a time.
ht) ended up right where he said it was. I was expecting a 'burner-friendly' establishment to be an old, run-down place with ripped off wall-paper, and rooms stinking of stale cigarette smoke. But no, it looked to be the biggest in Reno, with a massive casino, movie theatre, funquest play park, RV park, and the list just goes on. Driving into the parking lot, I saw an art car in the shape of a skull, and I knew this was the place.It was exceptionally interesting to see all the hippies from Burning Man mix and mingle with the gamblers, and businessmen. As I was dressed rather conservatively, if not a bit dusty, I attracted one comment from a fellow who said, "there's something weird going on here. I'm feeling way overdressed." I'm sure the hippies and I appreciated the warm showers, hot tubs, swimming pools, and warm, clean beds more than anyone else in that place. I soon found out why the hotel was so cheap, and why they wanted us there so badly.
Free drinks were served to anyone who was gambling. Never being much of a gambler, I would do it only if I happened to be in a casino for Bonnie's show or something. This time, I had two days to waste, and recover, and hey I was getting free drinks. I lost $80 on the penny slots, realizing that the odds on these machines were never really in my favour. There's a reason why these places build casinos: to make money. I was happy to quit while I still could, yet I wondered about these people, these perfectly fine, normal, capable people, who come to gamble everyday. It seemed like such a waste of humanity - these people inserting their money into the machine in hopes of winning big. What would be possible if, instead of casinos, they were out doing meals-on-wheels? Would that make a difference? I felt deflated, and disgusted with myself.
Perhaps I was reading too much into it. This just wasn't in Vegas, or Reno. All throughout the main streets of Montana and Idaho. One place in Montana offered a casino and a laundromat, so you can gamble and wash your clothes at the same time. Convenience! I enjoy the casino machines, and I enjoy video games, and movies. Before these things, and TV came along, people had to entertain themselves. What did they do? They talked, they had dinners together, they went for walks, they worked together. I don't need a doctorate in sociology to see a link between the break-down of our social connections, and societal ills. We need to give ourselves some reason to connect with each other, help each other, and be generous with our time, one person at a time.
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