C'mon Jason

Ah.... the battle of the mind.  The last 24 hours have seen a marked difference in my moods.  Questions, constant questions, and ill at ease with life and my place in it.  What am I doing here?  What is my value here?  Am I even relevant?  Why is life so difficult?  Why am I never consistently at ease?
I took a Landmark Education seminar called 'An Invented Life'.  The premise behind the 3 hours on one night a week for 3 months course is simple:  you can create yourself, from scratch, in any fashion.  The people in my group, when given the opportunity, unanimously agreed:  The one thing they want for Jason, is to be at peace within himself.  Why can't I find peace within myself?  Am I so attached to the belief I have about myself right now?  If I've taken all these courses, and truly believe I can change how I think, and therefore change how I feel, why am I not doing it?
As I write this, I'm finding this indelible urge to cover up, to hide the truth, to whitewash my thoughts for you.  I really want to look good in front of you.  I want to look composed, cool and with it.  Maybe to be successful in life you have to keep those inside voices to yourself.  Once people find out what really goes on in your head, they will chastise you.  It's for that reason I wrote 'THIS BLOG'S FOR ME'.  It wasn't for some selfish, self-centred motive, except to write for my enjoyment, for my pleasure, for my judgement only.  It was simply to remember why I'm going through all this effort, and hardship - to honestly, and truly create my world, in my image.  Woah, talk about a God complex!  Seriously, I believe that for me to truly feel at peace in this world, I need to see it as one that works for me, not against me.  As a recovering people-pleaser I find this the hardest, trusting myself that I will be ok in the world as myself, with my own thoughts, actions, and personality.  My world seems to teeter a bit when I start thinking and postulating that maybe who I am is inherently retarded somehow, somehow something missing, or defective, or wrong, and is unable to survive in this world.  Maybe, I start thinking, I need to consult with someone else, or ask someone else's opinion.  If the world was a simple, straight forward eat what you can catch, pro-create, survive and die, then I have no doubt I would be fine.  But this world, this seemingly ever so complicated social network one needs to be successful.  That is the crux, a constant battle of not being good enough, not feeling good enough.  In my mind, there is always someone who can do it better, and fighting this thought only makes it worse.
Teaching English as a Second Language was special, in that I created being a teacher from scratch.  From shutting down my company, to taking teaching lessons, to getting the job, and enjoying the hell out of that job, it was all mine.  After about a year into teaching, I was unable to consistently plan my lessons.  I was the Activities Coordinator too, and getting home at 8 or 9 o'clock, with an empty lesson plan was not good.  Eventually, I was going to school without a lesson plan.  Complete and utter improv.  It was working out, but I started feeling so badly about my performance, so embarrassed of what I was giving the students for their hard-earned money, so scared of being unable to answer questions from students.  I had to quit.  I just had to quit.  I couldn't find a way out.  I couldn't find a way through.  It was a disaster.  The job I loved so much, gone.  By my hands.  My mind just stopped working.  The strict rules, and regiments I placed on the creation process bound my hands so tight, I could barely put pencil to paper.  Now, today, those same feelings are coming out.  Who the hell am I to think I can write?
Patience is the key.  Patience is a virtue.  It might take all night, but that's what it might take to get the process going.  I have chosen this life of constantly creating new challenges for myself, and I must continue to believe in the process.  I am not the man I was 3 years ago, and yet those challenges still exist.  I must continue facing them until I feel I'm in a place where life is at ease, and there is peace within myself.   This is exactly what I was looking for when I chose to make this trip.
Here's an excerpt from my friend Robert's website for artists:

Working from life in natural situations is a shared invasion of privacy. Relaxed and in their environment, you are in a position to see their flaws. They, on the other hand, can find a miracle in your efforts. Share yourself and your gift. Both will be treasured like no other. "People," said Bernard Poulin, "don't often get a chance to stare at each other. They begin to tell you about themselves. It's like a confessional. It's a privilege to share someone's life like that."


It really came at a perfect time, as I'll gladly open up and share with people, as long as I know they understand, and respect that I'm giving them a gift of myself.  Just now, a fellow walked through the room, and we had a perfectly fine, comfortable greeting in Spanish.  This is my third day in Mexico.  I guess I can do some things right.