Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
So Far Away
A couple days easy drive away from the Panama Canal, and all I can think about is how far i have pushed myself away from me. From spending time doing things I didn't want to, I wreaked havoc on my health; i found the outer limits of being human, and danced on the razor's edge for so long....... it's amazing I still care, still want to live and connect. From 2 decades of trying to be what I thought was expected of me, or what it would take to survive, I completely lost out on the joys of life, of living a life that is truly my own, truly representative of where I light up, where I gain my strength from. It will be a long road back, but I am already enjoying the journey.
excerpts from The Tao of Inner Peace Diane Dreher
Only one woman I knew didn't play this game. Pat told us when she was busy, when she could meet for lunch or tea. Phone calls with her averaged five minutes at most. Centred and disciplined, she was writing a novel and selling short stories while the rest of us squandered our energies over the wires.
Years of pleasing others had made her emotionally numb. Even her movements were stiff, almost mechanical. Out of touch with her centre, she met other people's needs until opposing loyalties turned conflict into crisis. The opposing "shoulds" were pulling her apart.
Intelligent and strong minded, Jim succeeds in every venture until he suddenly loses interest. Once the initial excitement fades, he decides this career isn't right for him and moves on. His centre, his identity, always remains outside. The elusive goal beckons, just beyond his grasp, promising this time.
What makes an intelligent woman such a chameleon? She keeps placing her cetnre outside in the hands of the man she loves. Once she gives herself away Christa becomes compulsively attached to her man, fussing, clinging and driving him crazy when he pulls away, strangled by her.
At birth all people are soft and yielding.
At death they are hard and stiff.
All green plants are tender and yielding.
At death they are brittle and dry.
When hard and rigid,
we consort with death.
When soft and flexible,
We affirm greater life. - Tao 76
Duane Elgin writes in Voluntary Simplicity that "Our civilizational crisis has emerged in no small part from the gross disparity that exists between our relatively underdeveloped 'inner faculties' and the extremely powerful external technologies now at our disposal. "As it is within, so it is without." An imbalanced world results from personal imbalance The Tao teaches uws to slow down, look within, and make wiser choices.
Lyle began work early, helping run his parents' theater in Little Falls, MN and found "there was always something interesting to do." Part of his detachment is humility. Over the years, he's worked with contractors, plumbers, and electricians, doing much of the work himself. "I never felt I was better than anyone I hired, " he told us. "Everything is an interesting job, a challenge," and he added again, "I never felt there was anything I don't like to do." People like Lyle live with wholeness of purpose, avoiding inner conflict. They embrace everything they do with interest and enthusiasm, the joy of Tao.
Living harmoniously takes effort. It's easy to fall into lazy thought patterns, succumbing to anger, resentment, self-pity, or the other negative emotions that tug away at us, dragging us into destructive cycles.
Years of pleasing others had made her emotionally numb. Even her movements were stiff, almost mechanical. Out of touch with her centre, she met other people's needs until opposing loyalties turned conflict into crisis. The opposing "shoulds" were pulling her apart.
Intelligent and strong minded, Jim succeeds in every venture until he suddenly loses interest. Once the initial excitement fades, he decides this career isn't right for him and moves on. His centre, his identity, always remains outside. The elusive goal beckons, just beyond his grasp, promising this time.
What makes an intelligent woman such a chameleon? She keeps placing her cetnre outside in the hands of the man she loves. Once she gives herself away Christa becomes compulsively attached to her man, fussing, clinging and driving him crazy when he pulls away, strangled by her.
At birth all people are soft and yielding.
At death they are hard and stiff.
All green plants are tender and yielding.
At death they are brittle and dry.
When hard and rigid,
we consort with death.
When soft and flexible,
We affirm greater life. - Tao 76
Duane Elgin writes in Voluntary Simplicity that "Our civilizational crisis has emerged in no small part from the gross disparity that exists between our relatively underdeveloped 'inner faculties' and the extremely powerful external technologies now at our disposal. "As it is within, so it is without." An imbalanced world results from personal imbalance The Tao teaches uws to slow down, look within, and make wiser choices.
Lyle began work early, helping run his parents' theater in Little Falls, MN and found "there was always something interesting to do." Part of his detachment is humility. Over the years, he's worked with contractors, plumbers, and electricians, doing much of the work himself. "I never felt I was better than anyone I hired, " he told us. "Everything is an interesting job, a challenge," and he added again, "I never felt there was anything I don't like to do." People like Lyle live with wholeness of purpose, avoiding inner conflict. They embrace everything they do with interest and enthusiasm, the joy of Tao.
Living harmoniously takes effort. It's easy to fall into lazy thought patterns, succumbing to anger, resentment, self-pity, or the other negative emotions that tug away at us, dragging us into destructive cycles.
Costa Rica
In Puntarenas, Costa Rica and it´s all I can do to write this. Like an artist who can´t bring himself to write a single line, I too have little desire to write. Full of bitter angst, selfhatred, and crawling skin it is time again to go back to the drawing board, and build myself up from scratch once more. I wonder how people sit on their couches everday and zone out watching TV feeling just hunky dory, and I push myself so hard feeling like shit perhaps there in lies the answer.
Thanks Mom
thanks mom just a quick note i'm going through a lot right now but i am happy. i have realized i've been doing things i don't want to do for years and years and years. i haven't really been happy since high school! always so fearful of not having any money....... this whole b.comm thing and business has been a decision i didn't want to make......... but i did it. I lost myself!
please don't be concerned. i think this trip has revealed a lot for me. I've done a lot of things to make money, and i know it doesn't make me happy. i've become a shell of a man trying to chase it, and it never comes. i will find the courage everyday to listen to what makes me feel alive. So many years of depression and sadness - there's no manual out there on how to be jason, so I'm writing it as I go along. Right now i'm searching youtube for videos that make me laugh, searching biographies on people that interest me, listening to music that i like. it's a start. I guess I always thought i had to do something i didn't want to do to survive in life. I took it to the extreme, and now my life feels a mess. But if I can find a way to keep on this path, I will be ok! I know there are some things you have to do that you don't like, but there are many times when you can do exactly what you want to do. Doing things that you enjoy, turn you on, make you laugh, get you out of your head, out of your pain. It's the best i can do.
Thank you for your update mommy they're great and always put me in a good mood especially the emoticons.
I love you both very much,
the mechanic thinks the bike is ready tomorrow - it was the pickup, next to the stator and is involved in ignition. he may even be retrofitting an old part to work on my bike but i can't be sure. will keep you posted.
Love J
please don't be concerned. i think this trip has revealed a lot for me. I've done a lot of things to make money, and i know it doesn't make me happy. i've become a shell of a man trying to chase it, and it never comes. i will find the courage everyday to listen to what makes me feel alive. So many years of depression and sadness - there's no manual out there on how to be jason, so I'm writing it as I go along. Right now i'm searching youtube for videos that make me laugh, searching biographies on people that interest me, listening to music that i like. it's a start. I guess I always thought i had to do something i didn't want to do to survive in life. I took it to the extreme, and now my life feels a mess. But if I can find a way to keep on this path, I will be ok! I know there are some things you have to do that you don't like, but there are many times when you can do exactly what you want to do. Doing things that you enjoy, turn you on, make you laugh, get you out of your head, out of your pain. It's the best i can do.
Thank you for your update mommy they're great and always put me in a good mood especially the emoticons.
I love you both very much,
the mechanic thinks the bike is ready tomorrow - it was the pickup, next to the stator and is involved in ignition. he may even be retrofitting an old part to work on my bike but i can't be sure. will keep you posted.
Love J
Trying Again
Marivy and Victoria have been wonderful hosts here. I have my own room, have a 100 movies at my disposal, get made breakfast most mornings, and my room cleaned. Hot showers, and a key to come and go whenever i want, as well as local phone calls despite a charge for each one. I have been recovering my mind, spirit and body everyday and it has been such a welcome respite from the intensity on the road. They have been so generous with me - how can I repay them?
Well, their house is quiet, exceptionally modern, cozy and spotless,except fort he bathroom ceiling, which was the victim of some moisture problems causing the paint to bubble and flake off. The problem was, I thought, it would be a pain to try and get all the tools to complete the job properly. An instance of telling myself not to do something just because I can. So, the new question I am learning to ask myself now is, "What do I want to do, and what can I do?" The only other option was to give Victoria English lessons. She speaks Spanish every day, and hasn't spoken since grade school. Yet another problem: I hadn't taught English in 4 years, and the last time I tried, I ran out of the school not wanting anything to do with it.
My ascension into the ranks of an English as a Second Language Teacher was a new experience. As I painted the thousandth window frame on an $80,000 job in Richmond, BC, 20' in the air on a hydraulic lift, I suddenly imagined myself teaching English in Shanghai, China. Upon completion of the job, I called my client Terry to tell him I would not be taking anymore maintenance contracts, and was shutting down the company.
The process began with some phone calls to local ESL schools, and an eventual application to the University of Cambridge's CELTA program, taught at the satellite school housed in the YMCA. My first interview with Tamwood on a Friday ended up as a temporary job to last one month the following Monday. I stayed 16.
Moving up the ranks to Activities Coordinator, and level 5 conversation was a flattering, yet humbling experience. An abrupt change in curriculum left me totally lost. I spent hours thinking of lesson plans with a blank page. I became a master of disguise, trying to fool the students into thinking I was organized and ready for their classes, but I couldn't fool myself. I felt like an imposter, despite wanting so bad to be a good teacher, enjoy the students and committed to their learning. Eventually I became more and more anxious, tired, ornery and stressed each class I came up with an empty lesson plan.
I quit, and spent 3 weeks stuck in bed shivering with anxiety. It was an awful experience and I was humbled once again by my mind's ability to shut my entire life off. I had been there twice before, but despite having the knowledge of what was happening, I couldn't shake myself out of it.
So here I was with lesson plan in hand today, prepared the night before, and a bit nervous. I flashed back to the feelings and moments teaching all those years ago, and realized I had to put a positive sign on this. I chose the career, and ended up afraid of it - a demoralizing experience. What went wrong? Well, I was scared to ask for help, too scared to fail, and a perfectionist. I couldn't allow myself to fail in front of the student, so I didn't even try.
Today, we won the battle. Victoria seemed to enjoy the speed and level of English, and together we built up her confidence. I guess that's it. A team - we work together, teacher and student. Equal ground. I came to terms with my time at Tamwood, and realized I can get pretty overwhelmed with the thought of infinite choice through creating my own lesson plans. I preferred to work off of someone else's plan, so I didn't have to go through the anxiety of starting from scratch, and looking at the clock saying 12 am knowing work started at 6 the next morning. My achilles heel, so to speak, came in the form of experiences of being at the front of the class, directing a group of people, and fearing making a mistake. My fear created itself a negative experience, but I know now it wasn't ME. It was just a skill I hadn't learned, and if I stayed relaxed, and committed to it fully, I could get through my physical pain enough to create the lesson.
Well, their house is quiet, exceptionally modern, cozy and spotless,except fort he bathroom ceiling, which was the victim of some moisture problems causing the paint to bubble and flake off. The problem was, I thought, it would be a pain to try and get all the tools to complete the job properly. An instance of telling myself not to do something just because I can. So, the new question I am learning to ask myself now is, "What do I want to do, and what can I do?" The only other option was to give Victoria English lessons. She speaks Spanish every day, and hasn't spoken since grade school. Yet another problem: I hadn't taught English in 4 years, and the last time I tried, I ran out of the school not wanting anything to do with it.
My ascension into the ranks of an English as a Second Language Teacher was a new experience. As I painted the thousandth window frame on an $80,000 job in Richmond, BC, 20' in the air on a hydraulic lift, I suddenly imagined myself teaching English in Shanghai, China. Upon completion of the job, I called my client Terry to tell him I would not be taking anymore maintenance contracts, and was shutting down the company.
The process began with some phone calls to local ESL schools, and an eventual application to the University of Cambridge's CELTA program, taught at the satellite school housed in the YMCA. My first interview with Tamwood on a Friday ended up as a temporary job to last one month the following Monday. I stayed 16.
Moving up the ranks to Activities Coordinator, and level 5 conversation was a flattering, yet humbling experience. An abrupt change in curriculum left me totally lost. I spent hours thinking of lesson plans with a blank page. I became a master of disguise, trying to fool the students into thinking I was organized and ready for their classes, but I couldn't fool myself. I felt like an imposter, despite wanting so bad to be a good teacher, enjoy the students and committed to their learning. Eventually I became more and more anxious, tired, ornery and stressed each class I came up with an empty lesson plan.
I quit, and spent 3 weeks stuck in bed shivering with anxiety. It was an awful experience and I was humbled once again by my mind's ability to shut my entire life off. I had been there twice before, but despite having the knowledge of what was happening, I couldn't shake myself out of it.
So here I was with lesson plan in hand today, prepared the night before, and a bit nervous. I flashed back to the feelings and moments teaching all those years ago, and realized I had to put a positive sign on this. I chose the career, and ended up afraid of it - a demoralizing experience. What went wrong? Well, I was scared to ask for help, too scared to fail, and a perfectionist. I couldn't allow myself to fail in front of the student, so I didn't even try.
Today, we won the battle. Victoria seemed to enjoy the speed and level of English, and together we built up her confidence. I guess that's it. A team - we work together, teacher and student. Equal ground. I came to terms with my time at Tamwood, and realized I can get pretty overwhelmed with the thought of infinite choice through creating my own lesson plans. I preferred to work off of someone else's plan, so I didn't have to go through the anxiety of starting from scratch, and looking at the clock saying 12 am knowing work started at 6 the next morning. My achilles heel, so to speak, came in the form of experiences of being at the front of the class, directing a group of people, and fearing making a mistake. My fear created itself a negative experience, but I know now it wasn't ME. It was just a skill I hadn't learned, and if I stayed relaxed, and committed to it fully, I could get through my physical pain enough to create the lesson.
Inside Out
years of spending in my body, years spent in my head, its a daily exercise to pull myself out in to the world, and be connected with others.
Musings from the Post
Successful, and happy creative types, movie directors , writers, anyone who realize they are in a commodified world called Western Society, but accept they don't know how to change it, have found a way to somehow correlate their thoughts and feelings with what they see in the world. I can relate to my friend Terry, who can get really angry about some of the things that happen in the world, and human nature, but attempts to destroy relationships and people around him to somehow negate those feelings and thoughts.
"I wasn't an unhappy kid. I was a rebel, but I had fun. I never had depression. I was never an alcoholic. I was never a drug addict. God knows, many of my friends have dealt with that, but I've never had any of those tragedies. I've made a bunch of movies, I've written three books, I have a one-man show. For God's sake, I played Coachella! I've done what I was put here to do. I still work really hard and know it can end any minute, but I think I've been understood. Everyday I've got to think up something new, it never ends, but life does get easier. I've been fortunate." - John Waters.
I don't want to have people in this world luckily fall into a successful and happy life. We are all human, and the skills to be this way must be learned. The first five years of a child's life are crucial. How do we intercept that pattern of violence, depression, and inability to change that occurs in people's families? It has to happen within those first 5 years, when a child's brain is developing - yes, the parent has a huge role in this.
Key, is to teach the children that they must learn to maintain a healthy mix of understanding how the world works, but also bending the world's view to their own in a loving, patient way. Seeing either the world, or yourself, as a fixed thing, can lead to serious mental and emotional problems in future undertakings. The world is a better place when we are all strong.
"I wasn't an unhappy kid. I was a rebel, but I had fun. I never had depression. I was never an alcoholic. I was never a drug addict. God knows, many of my friends have dealt with that, but I've never had any of those tragedies. I've made a bunch of movies, I've written three books, I have a one-man show. For God's sake, I played Coachella! I've done what I was put here to do. I still work really hard and know it can end any minute, but I think I've been understood. Everyday I've got to think up something new, it never ends, but life does get easier. I've been fortunate." - John Waters.
I don't want to have people in this world luckily fall into a successful and happy life. We are all human, and the skills to be this way must be learned. The first five years of a child's life are crucial. How do we intercept that pattern of violence, depression, and inability to change that occurs in people's families? It has to happen within those first 5 years, when a child's brain is developing - yes, the parent has a huge role in this.
Key, is to teach the children that they must learn to maintain a healthy mix of understanding how the world works, but also bending the world's view to their own in a loving, patient way. Seeing either the world, or yourself, as a fixed thing, can lead to serious mental and emotional problems in future undertakings. The world is a better place when we are all strong.
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