So Far Away

A couple days easy drive away from the Panama Canal, and all I can think about is how far i have pushed myself away from me. From spending time doing things I didn't want to, I wreaked havoc on my health; i found the outer limits of being human, and danced on the razor's edge for so long....... it's amazing I still care, still want to live and connect. From 2 decades of trying to be what I thought was expected of me, or what it would take to survive, I completely lost out on the joys of life, of living a life that is truly my own, truly representative of where I light up, where I gain my strength from. It will be a long road back, but I am already enjoying the journey.

Love in the Dark

And i need you now tonight and i need you more than ever and if you'll only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever and we'll only be making it right cause we'll never be wrong together we can take it to the end of the line your love is like a shadow on my all of the time I don't know what to do i'm always in the dark living in a powderkeg and giving off sparks i really need you tonight forever's gonna start tonight once upon a time there was light in my life now there's only love in the dark There's nothing I can do but total eclipse of the heart!

Change

It is soon time to pull up anchor from the place I've called home, San Jose, Costa Rica. I've had more realizations of myself and the world, and am unclear of my future, except to know that I continue the journey. The bike, and Panama will be waiting for me on Monday morning. So many emotions, and thoughts, and desires; they must all fall to the wayside as I continue.

Thanks Mom

thanks mom just a quick note i'm going through a lot right now but i am happy. i have realized i've been doing things i don't want to do for years and years and years. i haven't really been happy since high school! always so fearful of not having any money....... this whole b.comm thing and business has been a decision i didn't want to make......... but i did it. I lost myself!

please don't be concerned. i think this trip has revealed a lot for me. I've done a lot of things to make money, and i know it doesn't make me happy. i've become a shell of a man trying to chase it, and it never comes. i will find the courage everyday to listen to what makes me feel alive. So many years of depression and sadness - there's no manual out there on how to be jason, so I'm writing it as I go along. Right now i'm searching youtube for videos that make me laugh, searching biographies on people that interest me, listening to music that i like. it's a start. I guess I always thought i had to do something i didn't want to do to survive in life. I took it to the extreme, and now my life feels a mess. But if I can find a way to keep on this path, I will be ok! I know there are some things you have to do that you don't like, but there are many times when you can do exactly what you want to do. Doing things that you enjoy, turn you on, make you laugh, get you out of your head, out of your pain. It's the best i can do.

Thank you for your update mommy they're great and always put me in a good mood especially the emoticons.

I love you both very much,

the mechanic thinks the bike is ready tomorrow - it was the pickup, next to the stator and is involved in ignition. he may even be retrofitting an old part to work on my bike but i can't be sure. will keep you posted.

Love J

Mexico City

I've spent the afternoon at a cafe near the Zona Rosa, and despite feeling very good, I want to ruin it with making everybody happy. The feeling will pass, and I will continue my journey.

I love you all.

I am meeting my friend Marivy who went to Tamwood School as an ESL student when I was a teacher there in 2006. She has kindly offered for me to stay at her house while I am here, and miraculously she has classes very close to where I am at, again near the WTC. I will meet her there between 6 and 6:30 pm. She is meeting some friends tonight, and has invited me along, so it will be more opportunity a practicar mi espagnol, y mi amistad.

Despite sitting in a well-to-do french-style cafe, it is not innoculated against the occassional vendor coming in to sell things, from music to bee pollen to knickknacks and food. Small children too, just out on the street selling. I find my emotions got to me a bit when I saw this, and had to buy something from one of them. But it was incessant. I had to say no. My opinion, they're much better off than a kid who gets to play Grand Theft Auto on the Playstation all day.

Inside Out

years of spending in my body, years spent in my head, its a daily exercise to pull myself out in to the world, and be connected with others.

Thoughts on Personality

Two people had replied to me on my first attempt at couch surfing. The first one was suspicious, judgemental and all together negative. I felt bad. The second guy was so friendly, positive, open, and accepting without any doubts. I felt great. Neither people had ever seen me before, and could only guess my disposition from a profile I had only posted less than 24 hours prior. What if I looked different? What if my ability to communicate was different? It got me to thinking: If enough people that surround you help you into believing you are a bad person, especially as a child, your chance of being one will be that much higher. That's it. If you get it into your little human brain that you are not enough exactly the way you are, then you will do all kinds of anti-social things to prove it: stealing, lying, cheating, killing, all so you can be better than the victim. Take something from them. It's easier to do when you think the other person has no connection to you, not in your circle. I had very low self-esteem growing up, and I didn't give a shit about other people when I was lonely, scared, or feeling not good enough. Here's where the problem comes: the victim then begins to lose all trust in humanity, and starts protecting, defending, and closing off. Now, magnify this from an immediate family, to the extended family, to a community, to a city, country and world. You have now got an entire world consisting of people that are scared of each other, and they don't even know each other. There is so much needless pain and suffering. It is our responsibility to create a better world for everyone on this earth. How?

A respected educator in my hometown made a speech years ago that my parents had relayed to me, basically saying that if a kid is bad, it is no fault but their own. I will never forget that, because I feel the statement requires so much more interpretation before it can be considered true. I wonder if he knew how much affect his statement had on me, and I wasn't even there?

All the more reason in my mind to be 100% sure about what comes out of my mouth, especially if I were in a position of authority. Let's take fault out of the equation. It is the parents, community and world's responsibility how a child is brought up, and each person's responsibility to make appropriate decisions as an adult. Yes, agreed, actions, behaviours, words, it all comes from you, but if the people around you are not capable of dialect with you as a child to make sure the message you're getting is positive you could very well end up a 'bad' person, and a bad person I mean someone who screws with other people in someway.

Am I nieve? Reckless? Stupid? A little daft in the head? Preachy? Consider this attitude is one of survival. I am riding a big black and shiny chrome motorcycle through arguably some of the most dangerous areas in the world. People can sense my fear, or lack thereof. It is my responsibility to be aware of my surroundings, but I make it clear every single person I meet gets the benefit of the doubt: you are a good person. If I show fear, or contempt, or judgement, they will sense that, and their behaviour changes instantly. Every single one of us wants to be loved and accepted exactly the way we are. I ain't no evangelical love hippy, it is a declaration of what this human world really needs. I see it not so much as a survival, but as a means to enjoy existence, and to share it. Our civilizations all had a time when there was no need for bars on windows, and cages around our hearts. We will always have a human desire to defend ourselves, but we must find a way to counterract our natural mechanisms and find a different way. The world is getting smaller and smaller and more and more complicated. Open up. Take a chance, change someone's life simply with your attitude towards them.

Muchos dineros

I've always been obsessed with money. Well, not always. In fact, only since about the middle of high school. Somehow I decided that if I knew how to make money, I would be ok in every other part of my life. Today, I think I know how to make money, but I'm not sure. I would like to know, just to say I did it. Correction: I would like to know how to make money without killing myself. Paciencia? Well, that's gotta be a part of it for sure. Riesgo? Suerte? All of the above, and none of them are worth anything if you don't give it a try. God, I've been wracking my brain over this for years. I'm a stubborn son of a bitch, and one who would die trying to get the answer to something. My health has paid the price, in back pain, stomach aches, jaw pain and sore, tense muscles. I just keep putting up with it in a vain attempt to be rich. It's like that damn ball I just tried to hit at ballgames as a kid and just couldn't as hard as I tried. Focus? Is my ADD the culprit?

Exodus

After a mass of humanity parked out in the desert for a week, then abruptly left, what remained was a vast emptiness. Our camp had, just 24 hours before, boasted several large tents, two kitchen areas, 25' of astroturf, a bar, and a shower, not to mention several hang-out spots and a hookah-pipe arrangement available in the back of a trailer. Now, it was completely gone. This was the experience I yearned for, to feel completely alone in a hostile environment, and still be 'ok'. Many parts of this journey have challenged my need to be accepted, and feel part of a group. Unfortunately, I feel this natural human need could compromise the entire journey. Although I have, and will assuredly meet many groups and individuals, I must ensure I maintain my goal, and purpose: to put myself into difficult circumstances, enjoy the moment, and find a way out.
"Oh, what's this? Another dust storm?" Danger and I started our vehicles up easily this time. We had to push start my bike the day before, as I had left the lights on. The efforts were that much harder for us, until I turned the ignition to 'on'. He also had to boost his VW van from giving us his lights the night before while packing Anne and Omid's car. Leaving our vehicles here were not an option, as was any other debris or MOOP (matter of of place), so we did a quick walk around of the area. The intention to 'leave no trace' is yet another core value of Burning Man. Generally, people are extremely conscious of what material they bring in, and consequently, bring out. It's challenging, actually. After our entire camp picked up, it seemed as if our camp was certainly left without a trace, but after an in-depth look, a couple large nails, and small pieces of garbage were still there. A horde of volunteers will scour the entire site, in anticipation of the inspector, who takes a random square mile area to check. If he/she sees any foreign objects within that area, the festival will not be allowed to return the next year. Since there are thousands of people who live for this experience year after year, everyone does their best to ensure it's continued operation.

Burning Man Exhibit G

I lucked out and found a home with Diva's Garden, especially since many of them are members of Radiant Heat, a fire dance troupe. They were one of 36 groups to participate in the burning of the man, and combined with the fireworks, and lights from the city thousands of lumens of light energy hit the eyeballs. Each of them were given special passes to enter the inner circle, and everyone else had to stay outside of this area. This is undoubtedly a wise decision, considering one man in year's past decided it would be a good idea to meet his maker by running into the massive fire created by the pivotal moment of the festival, the burning of the man.
The crowd gathers 'round the perimeter, about 50 metres from 'The Man', and anxiously await the inevitable explosions that spell the demise of the structure. It is a massive undertaking to not only build The Man, in all it's artistic splendour, but to rig it in such a way that, when dynamite is carefully placed and calculated precisely, will collapse safely without falling into the crowd. Going back to the fire dancers, you might think they would be a little nervous, being this close to a 60' burning structure, but they didn't seem to. Maybe they have come to terms with the fire, and no longer fear it. It's possible they just don't care, getting swept up with the impetus of the moment.
And what a moment it was. 'The Man' raises his arms mechanically, inviting the fire in all it's glory, to consume. The frenzied pace of the the fire dancers pull the spectators in, and the fireworks begin. It feels like hours, but only minutes pass before explosions at 4 points on each of the 4 pillars rock the place. Moments again, and the entire monolith is awash in flames. Eons later, the structure finally collapses. I head out, anticipating a rush of people, and catch a boat safely docked, enjoying the festivities. A sandstorm hits again, this time with a fury. Zero visibility led to a trip over a fallen bike, and ending up too far away from home camp again.
What is all this burning about? People say "have a good burn", and I can only think it means to pace yourself during the week, taking in all the experiences you can, without burning out. There is a definite link between creation, and destruction. Perhaps we all suffer from a fear of loss, a fear of losing that which we have, but what is created again, and again, and again, is something new. It is not necessarily better, or worse, in my opinion, but new nonetheless. A new world to create in, a new experience to grow within.

Beginning: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgZP7Th3LoA

Middle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XOHB-mIJSw

End: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3m440jeASQ

Shutter Island

It is possible to talk about a movie without giving the plot. This one with Leo DiCaprio was a nice twist on thriller and suspense despite a bit outlandish. Hey, why else do we go to movies? Bonnie and I pulled up the reclining love seat nice and close to the TV at my parents' house, and settled in to be entertained. The movie was effective to a very fine point: I was creeped out going to bed. To make matters worse, we were sleeping in my parents camper, of which we entered with a full moon and strange sounds surrounding us.
I was on edge, and irritable, and couldn't find a way to relax. I was concerned I was going to hurt her in my sleep due to watching the movie, and my history of sleep disturbances. We talked, reconnected, and I told her everything that was going on. It was a relief to get it all out, and that she was strong enough to hear it. I woke up feeling refreshed, and Bonnie claimed I only spoke once in my sleep, giggling at some unknown person "I don't know who I am sleeping beside". I think she felt relieved that I could never cheat on her and lie about it, because it would definitely come out in my sleep!