Peace

Whether I found it, or it found me, I know peace. I care not what will happen tomorrow, or happened yesterday, but only to know I have peace within myself. It is a skill I have been too harried to acquire, and I forced myself to stay once more in the eye of the storm and wait it out. "I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round." - John Lennon
The movies I've given myself as a late night/early morning respite from me, basically, have melded nicely into the movements in my mind and heart. "Troy" featured a remarkably skilled fighter in Achilles who knows only his desire to have his name be spoken for thousands of years. I know that desire, yet wonder why I would care when I would not be able to hear, or see any sort of adulation, or attention. That is the warrior in me, the one that fights for something, some kind of acknowledgement. I may seem like a flakey artist, but make no qualms I am a fighter, and i will fight to the death for what I believe in. I believe in myself! Basically, I know that desire, the clear cut feeling of war, of battling someone.

Also, i've craved attention since grade school, as I learned somehow that if I am known, I exist.

I now question that young man's ability to fully know not only the relevance of that belief, but the ramifications. Normal life seemed so busy to me, running around from bank, to grocery store, to fitness gym, to work........ I don't know how people do it. From the many experiences of the road, Chico taught me that I can keep money right in my house, and take it out whenever I need it. My .01% banking interest will just have to be ignored. But what if someone steals it? Noone is going to steal it. My fears cost me, and not just financially. I have to go to the gym and workout so people will still love me. They wouldn't love me if I was fat. I don't have time to cook for myself because I gotta be out there where people can see me, making money. Oh no, no time to cook. Surely I jest. It was, and is ALL in my mind. Noone ever told me how I was supposed to live, not directly anyways. I picked it all up somehow, and it made me who I was.

Now I am taking on an even bigger challenge: to write a novel. It may take me up to 2 years to complete, I may lose all my savings, and the book might only sell 10 copies. But at least I will be able to relax knowing that I put myself on the bookshelf, and people can read it, enjoy it, learn something from it. I did my part. Unless the Nazis burn it, it will still be there. That gives me great comfort, to know that I will live on somehow, or at least my thoughts will. Perhaps it is immortality that I seek, and bereft of ego, simply the want to exist. I love life! I love to live! But death is certainly a necessary journey, and one that teaches so much about the gift of life, and the value of the short time I have here.

Tonight is movie night with Solange and it will certainly be a pleasure to just sit and chat and be, and have no thoughts as to who i am, or how i look, or how another thinks and feels about me. Pure and absolute self-love acceptance, and therein lies love for all. Boa Vista has been very very good to me.