Connected

Edimar kept the friggen tv on all night, as us two strangers slept in the office of the run-down gymnasium. Sleeping is just not part of this trip at times. I had to start off again somehow, and did some stretching, and started running around the gym when i heard some shouting outside. It was my buddy, but i couldn't get out because Edimar had left with the keys an hour earlier. Yes, locked in an old deserted gym i was waiting for zombies to attack. It was 730 am, and Nalmir pulled the chain around to his side and used his key. I resumed running and told him I needed until 810 to finish. I wasn't going to start the morning running after him, despite his generosity.

Had a shower....... it really felt to me like some old abandoned russian training facility but I wasn't complaining. We headed out, and push started to bike out of the building, and took it to his cousin's at the yamaha. He owns both yamaha and chrysler dealership, full of shiny new vehicles. I was starting to think of my friend here; he's so damn connected, and knows so many people and everyone seems to love his backslapping, joking, friendly ways. I wanted to be like him, so comfortable with people, so easy and successful with people. so smooth. Even though it was all in a foreign language, I just decided he was successful with people.

After that, we went out to the governor's and talked with some military plainclothes guarding him - all with guns on their belts. Then we go to the ministry of sports and meet the secretary of the state commissioned sports group - all in big official looking buildings and such. This guy is something else.........

We get back to the gym, and he helps me set up my own room on the 2nd level. imagine sleeping at commonwealth, or pacific coliseum on the 2nd level - he said i could ride my bike right up to my room!

I've decided i'm going to make my stand here, could be up to 6 weeks. Running, and running and running is not going to accomplish much. I took this journey to take a stand against fear, to face it in a place where I could not run anymore. I can't run anymore. I will not be returning home with nothing. I'm committed to returning financially secure and stable.

I'm going to sell my writing, and i'm going to believe in myself. i am the possibility of independence, courage, and inner-strength. Just went through an eternity of major panic attacks, and anxiety where i just wanted to off myself. i just hated my body, hated what i had to deal with, hated how i felt all the time. I hated my mind, hated everything. i just wanted to take a knife and stab myself and maim myself and die just to get rid of it.

Crying now.