Black Hole
Well, I've dug myself quite a dark black hole. I have stripped myself of everything I enjoy, and thrown myself into a country where i don't speak the language. My bike is totally ripped apart, the one thing I could escape on, and the blackness is digging in it's heels. I can just feel it all over my body, creeping in and taking hold. Fascinating! Going back to the good ole days don't exist anymore. I am now on the verge of being one of those homeless crazy guys with nothing. i'm without a place to hide, a place of comfort, a place of life and love.
This is the situation i've waited for. The lowest low. I can't believe it's happening again. I've worked so hard, and done so much. it just keeps creeping back. always there, waiting. i just don't want to be an inspiration to myself right now.
one of the biggest bear traps is comparing myself to a perfect image - one that doesn't feel stress, makes easy decisions, does the right thing basically has absolutely no strife in life. So many people seem this way to me - they seem to feel good all the time, no stress, no worries, don't think about things; i know it's not true but just like an anorexic it' distorted thinking and it's torture. i'm this fragile human being throwing myself to the wolves to see what i'm made of, to scare the humanness out of me perhaps.
i just feel that unless i'm perfect, and feel perfect there's really no sense in continuing on. Not a cry for help. Just being honest with where i'm at right now. Wow and nobody's good enough, because i'm not good enough. It's time to be rid of this nonsense again, and move the fuck on.
This is the situation i've waited for. The lowest low. I can't believe it's happening again. I've worked so hard, and done so much. it just keeps creeping back. always there, waiting. i just don't want to be an inspiration to myself right now.
one of the biggest bear traps is comparing myself to a perfect image - one that doesn't feel stress, makes easy decisions, does the right thing basically has absolutely no strife in life. So many people seem this way to me - they seem to feel good all the time, no stress, no worries, don't think about things; i know it's not true but just like an anorexic it' distorted thinking and it's torture. i'm this fragile human being throwing myself to the wolves to see what i'm made of, to scare the humanness out of me perhaps.
i just feel that unless i'm perfect, and feel perfect there's really no sense in continuing on. Not a cry for help. Just being honest with where i'm at right now. Wow and nobody's good enough, because i'm not good enough. It's time to be rid of this nonsense again, and move the fuck on.
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Jason,
ReplyDeletei see your facebook updates all the time and they always make me smile... occasionally i'm drawn to read your blog... you know, I figure i'll read a day or two worth of your adventure and next thing I know I end up back on the side of the street n' it's mid november... n' i'm like WOW!!! sell your writing bro!!! SELL IT!!! I'd be at the book launch and buy a few copies of the book for my friends and family... I'll get me a scalped ticket for the movie premier and i'll even crash the after-party too!!! dead dogs and their best buddies waiting for them to wake up... chavez... 4 days on a boat... tao...
me... my rest-less nomad spirit longs to be on the open road again with crazy my mexican dawg.. just doin' it!
YOU... crazy?... nope! oh to be A blade of grass (and to actually KNOW it, HONOUR it and EMBRACE it)!!!
ride on! write on!!! RIGHT ON!!!
peace!
-Y!