Lonely, Tired and Confused

I stopped journalling anything negative a long long time ago, maybe 4 years. I noticed a tendency to sink into that mud of negativity and anxiety and I decided it wasn't doing much for my confidence, or getting out of it. I was concerned it was keeping me there. I just feel such a need to pour out today, and I don't want to put this on anybody right now, so I'm putting it out into the expanses of the internet where someone I've never met, or have seen before, may read my inner thoughts. I have to let this energy out somewhere, and let go.

Do not be afraid, or concerned, everything is perfectly fine. The reason I am writing this is to show you that it is ok to have disturbing thoughts, and that they don't mean anything. Sometimes, though, it is healthy to find a way to release that energy somehow.

Happened upon a young teacher's blog today of her experience in Brazil. From the responses of her readers she was loved, and so many people really felt connected to her and loved by her. I found myself questioning everything about myself. I found myself wondering who the hell I became. I found myself wanting to receive such an outpouring of love, and somehow fill me up. Despite having a loving woman in my life, I don't feel love. Family and friends, I don't feel love. There is something wrong with me.

I just feel so confused. Why can't I feel confident in myself, ever? Why do I always feel on edge? What did I do wrong, what did I do to deserve this? Why have I always felt like I am unloveable, or unloved? It seems such a tortured existence, being tired all the time, never feeling refreshed, craving alcohol and drugs just so I don't have to deal with my thoughts, or feelings, or pain or being tired? Do I just need to pull up my socks and smarten up? Fuck you. I don't want to anymore. The most difficult part of this is I feel as if I've given my life for others, and for this world. I've given so much time, and thought to other people, and they care not to make a phone call, or come for a visit, or invite me for a picnic. Who have I been that people don't want to even have me in their presence? What bit of evil, neurotic, annoying, intense creation am I?

So, this is a little taste of what goes on in my brain every day. I guess I should be proud that I don't put a bullet in it.