I am in Granada, Nicaragua. A year ago I could have never imagined to have said this. I have been making small talk on facebook for 8 months now, just dipping into a large friends list to get my personal needs met. Now, I realize I have gone so long without close intimate friendship that I have spread myself too thin. I just feel off. And without much practice asking for what I want from others, I usually have to spend it alone to assure I do get my needs met. Making comments just to get a laugh, just to feel good. Close friendships and intimate relations are filled with dread and compulsions to satisfy them somehow. I have been prostituting myself in a way for years, and its time to stop.
Perhaps most disturbing is why I just cant be a regular guy. What is a regular guy? Recently I felt tugs, and a person suggested to me that I just am not a normal guy, and should stop trying to be one. I am getting myself all worked up again comparing myself against others. Its the same thing as hoarders, eating disorders and drug addictions....... wanting to feel good all the time, craving control, and trying to fit it into a box. Well, Id be happy just to feel at peace right now. SSOOO....... I am ready to separate myself from others, and truly make a radical choice, just for me. To do what I want, to do what feels good for me, to do what feels comfortable, and to take a huge leap every moment. And, keep it simple. Find a safe, comfortable, peaceful place outside and in, and build a life there.
Hello friend
ReplyDeleteHaving lived away from home in Taiwan for the last almost 3 years and only seeing my mother once in that time, I do understand what you are going through. The main goal for myself is to be in a state of acceptance within and to know whatever happens happens. You my friend have gone through real emotional and physical obstacles on your journey and I am so proud to know someone like you. You don't want to be in a box and every moment is indeed a new one. Whenever you return home again you will laugh at how everything and everyone are the same accept you. Stop trying to figure out who you are and just be. Your mind will never have the answers you are looking for. Our minds are machines and they love to pick apart things and create conflict. Beneath the mental clutter there is the Jason who is in a moment and that moment is the only moment ever. There are 3 choices a person has in each circumstance #1 remove your self from it. #2 Accept it 100% #3 try to change it. #2 is the best option in my opinion. Or as the great mind of are modern world say's "It will pass" or
"circumstances don't matter, only your state of being matters."
Cole
so far ahead of your time, and mine, at the time. I think I'm catching up!
DeleteGreat words Cole!
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