What to Say?
Im just speechless. I have things to say, but theyre just useless to me right now. I feel as if I am a comet rughing through the solar system, passing earth, and burning away. I crave seeing the innocence of a child, the laughter of a friend, the hug of a mother. I dont know why I was not just born with all that I need to live in this world. Actually I am, but I dont know why I dont feel like it.
I am in Granada, Nicaragua. A year ago I could have never imagined to have said this. I have been making small talk on facebook for 8 months now, just dipping into a large friends list to get my personal needs met. Now, I realize I have gone so long without close intimate friendship that I have spread myself too thin. I just feel off. And without much practice asking for what I want from others, I usually have to spend it alone to assure I do get my needs met. Making comments just to get a laugh, just to feel good. Close friendships and intimate relations are filled with dread and compulsions to satisfy them somehow. I have been prostituting myself in a way for years, and its time to stop.
Perhaps most disturbing is why I just cant be a regular guy. What is a regular guy? Recently I felt tugs, and a person suggested to me that I just am not a normal guy, and should stop trying to be one. I am getting myself all worked up again comparing myself against others. Its the same thing as hoarders, eating disorders and drug addictions....... wanting to feel good all the time, craving control, and trying to fit it into a box. Well, Id be happy just to feel at peace right now. SSOOO....... I am ready to separate myself from others, and truly make a radical choice, just for me. To do what I want, to do what feels good for me, to do what feels comfortable, and to take a huge leap every moment. And, keep it simple. Find a safe, comfortable, peaceful place outside and in, and build a life there.