What, Me Worry?

November 2, 1922
The Washington Post

The Arctic ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulafft, at Bergen ,Norway . Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.

Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.

Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.

Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.


My note: we've been worrying about this for 88 years or more. Worrying about things does nothing. Let's keep doing things to protect our earth. Get me some solar panels and wind turbines for next xmas please!!!!

http://www.earth4energy.com/

Games

Discovered video games on my laptop and after a 24 hour respite now addicted to my video game! It seems I'm avoiding facing making money............ a relationship that I have let destroy me 3 or 4 times in the last 14 years. Like staring at a truck barreling towards me, I must resist the urge to stay still, and start to move. There is nothing to worry about, everything is just fine. We start the day again tomorrow.

Letter from Mom

Hi J. Thanks for changing your blog picture. What is it?

We are having a wintery kind of day today. Snowy and a cold breeze. The kind of day to stay inside. Sounds like you are not having a good day again. Maybe it's time to move on.

You seem to get down whenever you stay in one place toooo long. Not enough to keep you busy??

or too much time to think?? No Vitamin C!!!

Not sure why you need to stay til the Carnival??? Is it that BIG a deal.? I'm thinking your health situation it may be a good idea to come home a bit sooner. You are getting TOOOOOO many "black hole sessions toooo close together>

Actually we have been thinking..............."oh ya I know another Mom Talk"

Wrong this is a Dad thing. We are getting itchy feet to go somewhere he thought............

We'd fly down and meet you somewhere in the States. ie..Disney World, Dallas, Disneyland or a place

you may think of.

We'd pay to have you bike shipped home and you could fly and meet us when you are ready.

Jodi is getting her passport so sounds like she may be interested. So far this is only in the dream stage but thought we'd thro' it out to you.

What do ya think about that..???????

Get your thinkin' cap on so we can watch for seat sales.

Have your Swiss friends left now?

Guess that's all for now. Skype us if you feel like talking. It helps you know.

We will be home tonight.

Luv from sounds like you need an extra hug.

lol ok tell me when you're home again. all questions will be answered......now!

no i didn't hear it's under water. better reason to wait here.

ok first, it's the sign of the gymnasium so surprised it's only 17 years old but settling in.

not good days are important, because they always come before good days.

too much time to think. yes. but no matter where i live, i'm going to have to go through this. this is the main reason i did this, was to be away from all my safety nets, so i can finally come to terms with my anxiety and fears and thoughts. it's working. do you remember how bad i was a week off of work in stettler? i don't want to have to always work so hard to drown my thoughts. i want to be ok completely relaxed.

The reason there's more black holes, is because i'm staying in one place. I can't run away from them.

and yes, carnaval is a big deal, because it's what i said i would do. my current health situation is one where i have dealt with anxiety for 14 years, and haven't taken the time to adequately go through it. it is a brain habit, and one that takes a great deal of work, and personal discipline to successfully do it. it takes time. I request that you support me in this venture, and read this email when you start to worry.

i'm not so sure about this itchy feet thing. You two have had dr. scholl's spray for 70 years, so i'd be surprised if you've really got itchy feet.

i've got to find out about my swiss friends, haven't heard from them in awhile.... i'll send an email.

We'll talk later,

love j

Fear Is The Mind Killer

Going deeper and deeper into my hole of fear and depression, I haven't been able to think straight, nor sleep well. Things get worse, and feel worse. The struggle is that there is nothing to fear in front of me, only in my subconscious. Getting clear today, I realized my biggest fears stem from a fear of not having money - of not being able to make a living. So, I hold back, in case I ruin my chances of making money. At least without trying I can imagine that I would be able to make money. I grew up without it, which is even more befuddling. So, end of story. Fear is ridiculous. It's not real. And it can take your life, and many many years with it if you let it. Some quotes I liked seeing today:

"Character can not be
developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of
trial and suffering can the
soul be strengthened, vision
cleared, ambition inspired
and success achieved."

Helen Keller

"The Future belongs
to the RISK TAKERS,
not the security seekers.

The more YOU seek security,
the less of it YOU will have.

The more YOU seek opportunity,
the more security
YOU will achieve."

Ted Keyes

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career.
I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times,
I’ve been trusted to take the game
winning shot and missed.
I’ve failed over and over and
over again in my life.
And that is why I succeed.”

Michael Jordan

God, I am such a fool sometimes believing in these ridiculous fears. Moving on! I know that if i just had a small little life, i might not feel these things, but i want so many things and there's nothing wrong with that. Starting now, I will work everyday to create positivity in my life, and work through fears.

Adventurers

Adrian and Phillip's path crossed mine here in Boa Vista for the wrong reasons: after being ushered through the Venezuelan/Brasil border without stopping, the checkpoint shortly before Manaus ended with a confiscation of their H2 Hummer shipped from Switzerland. To make matters worse, their plans included flying back home on the 14th, less than week away. So, with their vehicle seconded, and a visit to the lawyer and courts the next day, I convinced them this would all be a great memory soon, and we should go out and have some food.

These two buddies met 15 years ago from having girlfriends that knew each other. They got rid of the girlfriends and became best friends. They have gone on several trips, very fast trips together and expect to continue despite Adrian being married, and Phillip about to be in 2 months. Their women just know this about them, and it didn't even have to be said.

So, their trips have included Zurich to India, Zurich to Turkey, Zurich to China, by car. Their China trip went through Mongolia, and Russia. In Mongolia, as there are no roads in most places, they ended up ontop of a water bubble and were stuck up to the top of the car tires. Walking towards a light, Adrian, with axe in hand and mud up to his chest, walked into a farm house with everyone staring at him. A car battery was sitting on the floor hooked up to the light, which promptly went out when the farmer quickly unhooked it and threw it in the back of his car. With some violent pulls at the risk of damaging his car, the farmer was able to pull them out.

I was just so inspired by these two buddies who take breaks from their lives and take on ambitious, fast projects without causing any delays in careers or relationships.

This morning I had Joao call Nalmir to explain the plight of the two Swiss guys, and see if he could help. 10 minutes turned into 1 hour and a half, and he showed up, called the lawyer and found out everything was tranquilo: the guys just had to return to the border and get the paperwork. That was a relief.

Nalmir then kidnapped me after taking a spin on the bike and for two hours we burned around with his new cousin's car to the various government and banking offices to do his tasks. One stop at the dentist's office required a phone conversation, and a return to the office to prove that indeed the photo I took of her was not actually of her ass. Pretty paranoid I guess as a result of being in a macho society, and a tad full of herself methinks.

Finally back to his cousin's house for a huge meal of meat, then a 3 hour food coma induced pass out at the gymnasio. An afternoon of searching for a tailor to put my badges on the coat (it was closed) and practicing speaking in Portuguese.

Forgiveness

Learning to forgive myself for all my mistakes, and all my shortcomings. Being at peace with who i am, and who i am not. Got reacquainted with some close friends today, and took a chance to meet two new Swiss guys that speak English what a friggen relief let me tell ya. I was full of anxiety all day, and just to prove to the scared little boy inside that I could do it, I went over there and had a chat. Now, we're heading over for pizza and beer.

The world is short two less people here in the last week. Ivy, the concierge from my old Spectrum building lost her fight with cancer this morning. She wasn't expected to make it to 2011, but now she is free from her pain and suffering. Gloria, a family member, passed away last week suddenly and will be sadly missed by many.

The birds are chirping here today, and a light breeze after some intermittent rains. It's moments like this when I grieve all the days lost to anxiety, and when I vow to never let it control me another moment. And as for that fear of rejection thing over my writing to hell with it as my cuz paula says is that the worst that can happen to you? No, and just get over it and find someone who does like my writing. Failing that, I can always eat small, neglected children. Look out kids!!!!

Gratis

Nalmir was working at the office today, so he couldn't meet me at the dealership to talk with his cousin. Instead, he asked Joao to take me down there on his bike at 8 this morning. Once we got there, I was nervous everytime someone came near me with paperwork, expecting some ridiculous bill. Went back to speak with Nalmir's cousin, 'Cheffe', the owner, and without speaking portuguese, i was thinking our conversation was spelling 'big bucks'. Finally, he motions his hand out the door, and wishes me a good journey. "What? Are you kidding me? No charge, no cost, no nothing?" Nope. Not a charge. 2 days in the shop, they had that goddamn bike ripped apart and with a professional Yamaha certified mechanic, fixed all the oil leaks on my bike, a brand new battery, several gaskets, and did a total point inspection on the bike.

FREE, FREE, FREE. Cost anywhere else? $1000 easy. We're going out for dinner tonight and I'm half expecting them to ask me to shake down a couple old shopkeeps for unpaid dues........ small price to pay though! the journey has been so blessed in this way: it's the 3rd mechanic who has not charged me for their services. Now if we can just get the captains from columbia to panama to do the same............

In other news, ketchup in brasilian portuguese is 'ketchupay'. Ok 1 down, 60,000 to go.

Free Speech, No?

Imagine some guy blurting this out on megaphone somewhere in the U.K.

Man: Everything you read in the main street media is 100 percent true. (cue woman holding a 'everything is ok' poster) Please go back to your jobs. ***** If you do not have a job, you are a worthless human being. Consume, consume, consume until we have no planet left to consume. what you need to do is buy things that you don't need that's the best way to support the economy.

Bom Dia!

'Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt' - Alfred Souza. Wise words, Mr. Souza! Being 6'3 I have a hard time dancing without people seeing me; and as I gave a hard time to my 6'6 friend Steve about cutting to the front of the concert crowd despite his fears of someone not seeing past him, I needed to give myself a tongue lashing!

I was proud to go through the darkness, and not be ashamed, or guilty or embarrassed to share it. It's how I want to live my life; I want people to know that it's ok to share the darkness, and that we don't have to be happy all the time. It's how one deals with it, it's how one works with it that is crucial. It is a sign to me that something is bothering me, that something needs my attention. I could have continued ignoring my finances, and continued ignoring my fear of advertising my writing for money, but it was just always coming back in the last 2 months: Jason, what the hell you gonna do about money? You don't have enough to make it back!!!!!

So, I'm going to put it off for a few more days, but DAMN I feel a lot more powerful, and a lot more motivated about writing, and photography, and websites, and creativity, all just from being in my pain, and sitting outside for a bit on my canadian lawn chair and thinking about today. What was important? What did I want to do? Anything is possible once I overcome my fears. So nice today to speak with parents on Skype for the first time in their home, and Bonnie, and facebook. Overall a day I chose right from the start, when I asked 'tudo bem?' to a young girl walking you know that awkward time when you're alone on the street with a stranger and you're walking about the same speed well i decided to be open and nice. She didn't respond, so I asked her again, to be met with a nervous nod. she ends up meeting me later down the road and is all nice, and smiling. Gave her a kiss on the cheek as a thank you for practicing my Portuguese. A few other people were met by this friendly Canadian today, and i felt so much lighter by proving to myself that i do have something to say : Good morning!

It was so nice today to go into the Yamaha dealership and see the bike all shined up and ready to go....... it is going to be a real weight off my shoulders to not have so much oil leaking out of the bike, and it will just keep it looking so much nicer. The ignition problem was a battery, which is just strange considering how sudden it happened. It's my fourth in 2 years.....

Black Hole

Well, I've dug myself quite a dark black hole. I have stripped myself of everything I enjoy, and thrown myself into a country where i don't speak the language. My bike is totally ripped apart, the one thing I could escape on, and the blackness is digging in it's heels. I can just feel it all over my body, creeping in and taking hold. Fascinating! Going back to the good ole days don't exist anymore. I am now on the verge of being one of those homeless crazy guys with nothing. i'm without a place to hide, a place of comfort, a place of life and love.

This is the situation i've waited for. The lowest low. I can't believe it's happening again. I've worked so hard, and done so much. it just keeps creeping back. always there, waiting. i just don't want to be an inspiration to myself right now.

one of the biggest bear traps is comparing myself to a perfect image - one that doesn't feel stress, makes easy decisions, does the right thing basically has absolutely no strife in life. So many people seem this way to me - they seem to feel good all the time, no stress, no worries, don't think about things; i know it's not true but just like an anorexic it' distorted thinking and it's torture. i'm this fragile human being throwing myself to the wolves to see what i'm made of, to scare the humanness out of me perhaps.

i just feel that unless i'm perfect, and feel perfect there's really no sense in continuing on. Not a cry for help. Just being honest with where i'm at right now. Wow and nobody's good enough, because i'm not good enough. It's time to be rid of this nonsense again, and move the fuck on.

Connected

Edimar kept the friggen tv on all night, as us two strangers slept in the office of the run-down gymnasium. Sleeping is just not part of this trip at times. I had to start off again somehow, and did some stretching, and started running around the gym when i heard some shouting outside. It was my buddy, but i couldn't get out because Edimar had left with the keys an hour earlier. Yes, locked in an old deserted gym i was waiting for zombies to attack. It was 730 am, and Nalmir pulled the chain around to his side and used his key. I resumed running and told him I needed until 810 to finish. I wasn't going to start the morning running after him, despite his generosity.

Had a shower....... it really felt to me like some old abandoned russian training facility but I wasn't complaining. We headed out, and push started to bike out of the building, and took it to his cousin's at the yamaha. He owns both yamaha and chrysler dealership, full of shiny new vehicles. I was starting to think of my friend here; he's so damn connected, and knows so many people and everyone seems to love his backslapping, joking, friendly ways. I wanted to be like him, so comfortable with people, so easy and successful with people. so smooth. Even though it was all in a foreign language, I just decided he was successful with people.

After that, we went out to the governor's and talked with some military plainclothes guarding him - all with guns on their belts. Then we go to the ministry of sports and meet the secretary of the state commissioned sports group - all in big official looking buildings and such. This guy is something else.........

We get back to the gym, and he helps me set up my own room on the 2nd level. imagine sleeping at commonwealth, or pacific coliseum on the 2nd level - he said i could ride my bike right up to my room!

I've decided i'm going to make my stand here, could be up to 6 weeks. Running, and running and running is not going to accomplish much. I took this journey to take a stand against fear, to face it in a place where I could not run anymore. I can't run anymore. I will not be returning home with nothing. I'm committed to returning financially secure and stable.

I'm going to sell my writing, and i'm going to believe in myself. i am the possibility of independence, courage, and inner-strength. Just went through an eternity of major panic attacks, and anxiety where i just wanted to off myself. i just hated my body, hated what i had to deal with, hated how i felt all the time. I hated my mind, hated everything. i just wanted to take a knife and stab myself and maim myself and die just to get rid of it.

Crying now.

January 2nd

There had been a niteglo bracelet hung on my handlebars some time in the last 48 hours. Damn New Year’s eve revellers. 2^nd nite in Boa Vista, and committed to turning things around mentally, starting with some stretches, and a walk through town. A planned city, it features a spoke and wheel design radiating out from the northern side of the Rio Branco. 700km north of the Rio Amazonas, all was quiet here in the new year, eerily quiet in this city of over 250,000. Hardly a soul walking through the streets, only a supermarket with some people shopping. Finally the restaurant of the hotel was open upon return with a nice egg & sausage buffet complete with tropical fruits, coffee, cereal and dessert.

I love to ride the motorcycle. 19000 km is a bit much on the body, but to just burn around town is paradise. I like a challenge, and even small ones are nice so I set out to find the Yamaha dealership I had seen earlier down one of the other spokes. I didn’t this time, but being the tourist i was slowly driving from spoke to spoke looking at the signs in another language, getting honked at only once.

A small black car stopped at the side of the road, and motioned me to come closer. A small guy with glasses and short black cropped hair with a tattoo on his right outer forearm starts talking to me in Portuguese, a language I have never spoken or heard much. Strangely I feel relaxed and put at ease with this guy as I explain to him in Spanish that I have indeed come all the way from Canada on moto. Within seconds I’m getting the idea that he’s inviting me to stay at his place. Turns out he’s got connections. Will be a free visit to the Yamaha store (his cousin owns it), friends with the Governor of the state, and he’s the director of a gymnasium, of where I’ll be staying as long as I like, for free.

After picking up his wife at the grocery store, and dropping her off at home (don’t stare down a big white Dogo Argentina, they’re grizzly bears) We visited that governor’s place (he was sleeping) to see his two huge Harleys. We then went back to the hotel to take all my stuff, where we met two Venezuelan women who had said they saw me out on the road a couple days before. They proceeded to tell me they were the ones who had left the niteglo bracelet on the bike. With their bright yellow Venezuela bandanas they could have been tour guides, extolling the virtues of the country and all its beauty without prodding.

The gymnasium is a large, eastern-european inspired structure with large circular rings stemming from the base to the top, and completely deserted, save for some weeds around the outside, and old security guard. Completely deserted and calm. It’s going to be home for a while. I can play basketball in the gym with a decent hardcourt service, covered but with open air venting half way up. Nalmir said he’s returning in 3 hours, somewhere in the mid-afternoon possibly with more family. This place opens up again 20^th of January. For now, the guard and I watch tv in Portuguese, with a crazy Priscilla of the Desert Brasil style cross dressing character as a host, a blond amazon touring Patagonia, and finally the chronicles of Narnia voiced over; Liam Neeson as Aslan speaking Brasilian Portuguese.