Splutter

Well, not much to talk about today except that it was one of my favourite. Sitting on a park bench designed for feet not to touch the ground, and leant back, I ate 5 mangos that had just fallen off the tree. Then, I watched an army of ants move an impossibly large piece of something through a myriad of concrete pavers. It was a joy to just watch them work together to haul it through the crevices, and over the long distance, with a bigger ant finally coming in for the harder parts. Just simple pleasures, and feeling how much pain in my body, head and heart I've tried to ignore for so many years. Just being quiet, and being. It was pretty sweet.

I'm not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, nor do I receive invites to the Playboy Mansion, nor was I the winning quarterback in the SuperBowl. But boy am I happy just being, breathing, living. I'm excited about it.

I just casually went into a couple stores (one Cowboy store) and learned some words for horse, farm, cowboy etc. This is one way, besides actually working in a new language, to quickly learn Portuguese. In typical guy fashion, I did my once a year clothes shopping at the first store where someone gave me attention. I got some shorts, and a shirt. The lady at the till was so excited she told me to wait, for what I wasn't sure. In a minute she had a lady from Guiana come over, so that she could interpret all of her questions to me. Had a friend wonder aloud why I always wore shirts that were too tight; I took her advice this time and got a size larger. Does feel more comfortable......... she also told me once the only time she liked me was when I was dancing with her. Nice. But, it was a sign that I was only free and open and in the moment at those times with her. Other times, I was rigid, and worried about what to say around her. Weird.

The bike needs to go back in tomorrow as the mechanic found out the whole engine has to come out so he can get at the little piece where the leak is. Only R$100 for all that. So we'll see if that fixes it.

I just realized how many people I've tried to be, in career, in friendships, in relationships. I remembered back to a time when I actually believed someone could love that shy, minnow catching, comic book reading, billy joel loving farm boy. But that is my centre, and that is where I gain my strength from. Trying to go for a career in something that has nothing to do with my history is surely a challenge, but it requires an inordinate amount of support, coaching, money, training, time and patience. Why not just do what I was born to do, and the type of environment I lived my first 5 years of life in? Not pushing myself enough? Not challenging enough? Not good enough? Fuck you. I don't listen to you anymore.

Nobody wants to really deal with a depressed, sad and lonely person. If this describes you right now, don't expect any sympathy. It's not personal. Most people have very little experience, patience or understanding to deal with it, so you will have to deal with it yourself. It is not you, it's just a behaviour. People are not rejecting YOU, they are only avoiding dealing with something they feel uncomfortable about. So, be a shiny happy people, and hide the unhappiness. Save that for close friends and family, therapists and yourself. You can do it all by yourself if you have a bit of experience with it and common sense.

God, the women are really beautiful down here, and take care of themselves.

Finished the day off with Toy Story 3. I had bought a horrible pirated copy in Costa Rica in Spanish, and it wasn't the same. This time, I could follow. What a great story about knowing what really matters, letting go of the past, but creating a wonderful future for someone else. Also of note, Lotso, the big fuzzy pink teddy bear was just so full of anger from his past, he was unable to let it go, and the story showed the outcome because of it. Angry people often forget what they were angry about; the simple reason is of something that happened to them as a child, and they were triggered again. That time when they were sponges to the world, they sucked in some meanings to the world that allowed them to survive, but they would have to take off that armour to love truly again. Correction, I. I actually laughed a laugh I didn't even know was mine. THAT'S how much I've covered myself up.