Get Over It, Through It, With It
No matter what you do, or are doing, you can be sure it is a 100% human activity. As teenagers many of us were so concerned about 'weird' behaviours, or 'weird' things going on inside of us; we were so anxious to just be like everyone else and not stand out. As an adult, I have had so many years of 'being different' I've become accustomed to all sorts of behaviours and things that make me go 'hmmmm' about myself. But, as i am human, i am guaranteed that no matter what I do, it is completely human of me.
Of course we would have fears about things. We have the same brains we had 100,000 years ago foraging for food, killing 20 ton wooly mammoths and protecting the family from sabertooth tigers. Our brains are just doing their jobs, and as the brain controls the entire body (our brains are EVERYTHING ;-) it will do just about anything to you to stop a perceived threat, or an uncomfortable situation. It will make your knees go weak, your vision blurry, your heart race, and your speech slurred. It will pump adrenalin into your system such that your hands begin to shake, and all you can think of is "I want to get out of here NOW". The problem is, that after 20 years of seeing Much Music, MTV, movies, news channels, newspapers and magazines, we see all these people who are doing amazing things with their lives, and we want to do that to. We get extremely disappointed and upset when we can't, or when we think we can't. Some of us can't help feeling somewhat inferior to these celebrities.
So, I spent 15 years dealing with the 'fact' that I was uncomfortable selling things to people. If I hadn't accepted that sales job, my life would have looked completely different, and I mean completely. If I had gotten a job with AGT (Telus at the time), which is what I had wanted, that one step in a different direction would have made this life impossible. Not better, just different. That one step in one direction changes what is possible forever. So, there's no need to stress about decisions, because no matter what path you choose, it will be a different path that leads to different experiences. It would be like arguing about which foot you should put on the ground first after getting out of bed. We do have a propensity for magical, premonitional thinking that allows us to imagine spaceships, ghosts, aliens and all sorts of things. But this thinking can drive us crazy if we sick it on what direction we should go in life, especially today when there are so many choices available.
For me, I just spent too much time playing video games, and not enough time dealing with people. Getting hurt, getting angry, fighting, crying, negotiating, having sex, hurting someone........... these are all important social activities that can definitely be stunted in today's technological world. Would you rather get rejected by a pretty girl, or go and play World of Warcraft on the computer and slay dragons without the slightest physical danger?
Of course we would have fears about things. We have the same brains we had 100,000 years ago foraging for food, killing 20 ton wooly mammoths and protecting the family from sabertooth tigers. Our brains are just doing their jobs, and as the brain controls the entire body (our brains are EVERYTHING ;-) it will do just about anything to you to stop a perceived threat, or an uncomfortable situation. It will make your knees go weak, your vision blurry, your heart race, and your speech slurred. It will pump adrenalin into your system such that your hands begin to shake, and all you can think of is "I want to get out of here NOW". The problem is, that after 20 years of seeing Much Music, MTV, movies, news channels, newspapers and magazines, we see all these people who are doing amazing things with their lives, and we want to do that to. We get extremely disappointed and upset when we can't, or when we think we can't. Some of us can't help feeling somewhat inferior to these celebrities.
So, I spent 15 years dealing with the 'fact' that I was uncomfortable selling things to people. If I hadn't accepted that sales job, my life would have looked completely different, and I mean completely. If I had gotten a job with AGT (Telus at the time), which is what I had wanted, that one step in a different direction would have made this life impossible. Not better, just different. That one step in one direction changes what is possible forever. So, there's no need to stress about decisions, because no matter what path you choose, it will be a different path that leads to different experiences. It would be like arguing about which foot you should put on the ground first after getting out of bed. We do have a propensity for magical, premonitional thinking that allows us to imagine spaceships, ghosts, aliens and all sorts of things. But this thinking can drive us crazy if we sick it on what direction we should go in life, especially today when there are so many choices available.
For me, I just spent too much time playing video games, and not enough time dealing with people. Getting hurt, getting angry, fighting, crying, negotiating, having sex, hurting someone........... these are all important social activities that can definitely be stunted in today's technological world. Would you rather get rejected by a pretty girl, or go and play World of Warcraft on the computer and slay dragons without the slightest physical danger?
No Country For Old Men
This movie features a psychopathic killer without a shred of human emotion. We now forbid our children from playing on the streets, and instead allow them hours in front of the computer, video game, or TV to keep them safe from such a character. Meanwhile, the 99.9% who crave human contact, the outdoors, and community have padlocks and steel bars over our windows fearing for our lives. Our need for security creates more fear, and isolates us even more from each other. For such advances in technology and society, we are more afraid of each other than ever before. This is a breeding ground for even more violent acts towards each other; the less connected we are to each other, the easier it is to victimize them.
Say hi to that stranger today.
Do what I fear the most. http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-What-You-Fear-Most&id=3744944
Say hi to that stranger today.
Do what I fear the most. http://ezinearticles.com/?Do-What-You-Fear-Most&id=3744944
Jackpot
Everytime I go to the bank and money comes out, I leap for joy. After experiences in Panama, and Venezuela, I don't take a bank machine for granted anymore. This time, I went for R1000, and Got it! I'll be keeping it in the pillow case ;-) and saving my outrageous banking fees. $30 per month allows for unlimited withdrawals anywhere in the world; I should hope so! If I can make one big withdrawal, and be my own bank, I can save that every month. I may not have a safe or a security guard with a big gun but I have a feeling noone is going to touch it.
23
I love it when I pick out a movie based on whether it would challenge me, and end up loving it too. That was '23' a movie with Jim Carrey who finds himself in a paranoid state searching for the significance behind the number 23, seeing it everywhere and in everything. I was happier than a pig in shit in my little bare gymnasium room, getting set up in English with Portuguese subtitles. I was struck by the passion of filmmakers, directors, actors and the whole gamut of people working in something they love, and how they will spend every waking moment thinking about how great they can make their work. This is a form of obsession, and although it can lead to divorce, general unhappiness, and 'saving the nose despite the face', it is generally accepted among today's society as a positive trait. "Hard Worker", "Devoted", "Committed", "Focussed", "Killer Instinct" and the list goes on. It may have it's lineage in our communities need to lift up the hero as they fight the mammoth or sabre-tooth tiger, saving us from certain death or starvation. But it doesn't have a place as much in our society today what with our grocery stores, tv's and air conditioned homes. Nothing can hurt us, nothing can eat us, and yet we still have this incessant need to fight for something against all odds. We have to get battered and bruised. Problems can occur when those injuries occur inside one's mind; a CFR rodeo cowboy gets a broken rib and recovers after 6 weeks, feeling 100% albeit a little scared of that horse for a bit. Someone trying to write a serious novel can go through spurts of agonizing mental and emotional upheaval as they try to create something that not only expresses their story but would be appreciated by others.
Can we not teach people about being human? Can we not have a part of our curriculum devoted to psychology, physiology and philosophy at an early age? "The most important things in life cannot be taught" Oscar Wilde.
Now, I'd like to look at the prison system, another passing observation as a result of the above movie. Let's say...... hmmm...... you murder someone. AND the police investigator finds you, AND you are sentenced by a judge and jury to life in prison. The idea of the prison system is to be a very large stick for punishing malcontents in a society, or people that do not follow the rules i.e. don't murder people!!!!. Now, obviously, you aren't going to be able to murder someone again unless you are out on parole in say, 20 - 25. But how effective is this system REALLY in stopping these kinds of behaviours in society? What if that person was triggered by something the other person said that made them so angry they lost all sense of control? A deep childhood repression? That's the job of the psychologist I guess. I don't feel like getting into this too much right now, but how about a system, after a judge and jury find the defendent guilty, that subjects the guilty to 1 month of unimaginable personal pain - torture, mental, and physical would not be necessary. But a system that plays on the person's deepest fears..... such that they never would ever want to risk doing this behaviour again. Currently, the prison system is one of the biggest money making businesses in the world, filled with minor misdemeanors........ keeping the general society in a veil of secrecy to satisfy their need for 'safety' and security i.e. "don't worry honey we put the bad people away." Fine, you as as society deem this is bad, this is good, let's punish the hell out of the bad, and see what happens.
I saw a photo of a bear taken down in Saddle Hills, Alberta. The two hunters were heros and their photo with the gargantuan bear (1300 lbs., 11 3/4' tall) has lit up the internet community a
round the world. Now, if we were a society run by bears, those two hunters would probably get a life, or even death sentence. Not only did they shoot and kill the bear, they posed with it after!!! Oh, the bear lawyers for the deceased bear's family would be up in arms! "How did you know the bear was going to attack you?" "How could you be certain that it was not a bluff charge?" "Would you have shot this bear if it was 1/2 the size?"
I think there's a need to keep our so called 'criminals' in perspective, and understand that not only are we animals, but that we sometimes do bad things...... how we 'punish' those bad things, and what we consider bad in the first place, has a very long lifespan in the overall health and happiness of our society.
Can we not teach people about being human? Can we not have a part of our curriculum devoted to psychology, physiology and philosophy at an early age? "The most important things in life cannot be taught" Oscar Wilde.
Now, I'd like to look at the prison system, another passing observation as a result of the above movie. Let's say...... hmmm...... you murder someone. AND the police investigator finds you, AND you are sentenced by a judge and jury to life in prison. The idea of the prison system is to be a very large stick for punishing malcontents in a society, or people that do not follow the rules i.e. don't murder people!!!!. Now, obviously, you aren't going to be able to murder someone again unless you are out on parole in say, 20 - 25. But how effective is this system REALLY in stopping these kinds of behaviours in society? What if that person was triggered by something the other person said that made them so angry they lost all sense of control? A deep childhood repression? That's the job of the psychologist I guess. I don't feel like getting into this too much right now, but how about a system, after a judge and jury find the defendent guilty, that subjects the guilty to 1 month of unimaginable personal pain - torture, mental, and physical would not be necessary. But a system that plays on the person's deepest fears..... such that they never would ever want to risk doing this behaviour again. Currently, the prison system is one of the biggest money making businesses in the world, filled with minor misdemeanors........ keeping the general society in a veil of secrecy to satisfy their need for 'safety' and security i.e. "don't worry honey we put the bad people away." Fine, you as as society deem this is bad, this is good, let's punish the hell out of the bad, and see what happens.
I saw a photo of a bear taken down in Saddle Hills, Alberta. The two hunters were heros and their photo with the gargantuan bear (1300 lbs., 11 3/4' tall) has lit up the internet community a
round the world. Now, if we were a society run by bears, those two hunters would probably get a life, or even death sentence. Not only did they shoot and kill the bear, they posed with it after!!! Oh, the bear lawyers for the deceased bear's family would be up in arms! "How did you know the bear was going to attack you?" "How could you be certain that it was not a bluff charge?" "Would you have shot this bear if it was 1/2 the size?"I think there's a need to keep our so called 'criminals' in perspective, and understand that not only are we animals, but that we sometimes do bad things...... how we 'punish' those bad things, and what we consider bad in the first place, has a very long lifespan in the overall health and happiness of our society.
Infinite Worlds
Each of these businesses I visited today have a story; each person who works in these stores have an endless array of ups and downs and in betweens. Like Karam, a Lebanese Jewellery Store owner whose brother lives in Edmonton, who was helped by a Canadian named Greg who gave him $60,000 interest free to buy his house, car, and restaurant. Karam believes in world peace, and that there is one life, and that it should be lived to experience: other cultures, other languages having lived and visited England, France, and Latin America. From large grocery stores to high fashion to hair stylists - anyone could be a potential english student. I spent some time speaking with Aerton from the Assemblico de deus about teaching for an entire month. Their rooms rent out at $80 real for the whole day - a marked improvement in price. Hey, selling is not for me as a day after day reality. It's an exhausting experience for me trying to keep my head straight, and feeling physically positive about how things go. The reality is that someone can go door to door for 10 years and not make a single sale. You h
ave to push things a bit, and risk the chance of offending, or stepping on toes. That part I could do without. But, it keeps me busy here, and sure is a hell of a good way to learn a Language FAST! I am using Spanguese at a rapid pace. Oh, and I kissed a girl....... and liked it.
ave to push things a bit, and risk the chance of offending, or stepping on toes. That part I could do without. But, it keeps me busy here, and sure is a hell of a good way to learn a Language FAST! I am using Spanguese at a rapid pace. Oh, and I kissed a girl....... and liked it.
Tudo Bem!
I'm back from a couple hours of going business to business, starting with the photocopy place, where they taught me how to say "I am CANADIAN", as my book did not show the proper pronunciation. So, with my photocopied brochure, and 10 portuguese words, I threw myself into it. I honed my offerings as I went; didn't think about groups and cost, so I settled on 25 Real/hour, and less if there's a group. Spoke with the hotel staff about renting their room, and they replied that it's only available for the day, ($1000 Real) or 1/2 the day. Shows to go, when you put yourself out there and start something, there's always going to be another hurdle. But it's so much better than sitting around worrying about what could happen. Commit fully to anything, and ride it out effortlessly and fun. That's what I had created for several months before I left Canada, and I had let that slide for quite sometime now.
I've spent all these years fretting about failing at sales. I actually never failed at sales, I feel I failed at DEALING with sales. Instead of looking at my experiences as making me a better, stronger person, I used them as an excuse to take chances, and put myself out there. Get on with it, move on I've said now a couple times. And it's true, focusing on how I am being WHILE i'm selling - checking in with my body, checking in with my state of mind - it's all important to enjoying the experience.
As I look back on it now, I simply happened to CHOOSE a job that dug into my achilles heel. I didn't have to take that job, and I didn't have to keep doing it. I just took that experience as meaning so much more about myself, and I've exhausted myself over 14
years trying to make up for it. What a fool......... But I'm happy. I'm glad I'm a people pleaser. I know there's a lot of people out there that I've made one moment pleasurable for them. I now focus more on the people that count, and not spreading myself thin. If I want to have an easy, comfortable job, I can have it. Just because I had some difficulties in sales, doesn't mean anything really. In fact, I could go out and be a salesman right now if I wanted to be. If so, I would have to focus on enjoying it, no matter what I'm doing, or selling. I remembered Adam's time with me too, about 5 year plans, and working backwards......... totally forgot about that. But now, is a new moment, and I'm getting a free city tour from the english speaking guyanan at 6!
Like a beacon, the communications tower at the centre of the city always will help us to facilitate directions. No need for street signs, as I haven't looked at one. Just look for the tower, and we're all good. Backwards? Not efficient? Possibly when you're trying to tell somewhere how to get somewhere, but it actually allows you to venture further through a city just by simply knowing one landmark. Similar to Burning Man Festival, and healthy for an individual's sense of direction.
I've spent all these years fretting about failing at sales. I actually never failed at sales, I feel I failed at DEALING with sales. Instead of looking at my experiences as making me a better, stronger person, I used them as an excuse to take chances, and put myself out there. Get on with it, move on I've said now a couple times. And it's true, focusing on how I am being WHILE i'm selling - checking in with my body, checking in with my state of mind - it's all important to enjoying the experience.
As I look back on it now, I simply happened to CHOOSE a job that dug into my achilles heel. I didn't have to take that job, and I didn't have to keep doing it. I just took that experience as meaning so much more about myself, and I've exhausted myself over 14
years trying to make up for it. What a fool......... But I'm happy. I'm glad I'm a people pleaser. I know there's a lot of people out there that I've made one moment pleasurable for them. I now focus more on the people that count, and not spreading myself thin. If I want to have an easy, comfortable job, I can have it. Just because I had some difficulties in sales, doesn't mean anything really. In fact, I could go out and be a salesman right now if I wanted to be. If so, I would have to focus on enjoying it, no matter what I'm doing, or selling. I remembered Adam's time with me too, about 5 year plans, and working backwards......... totally forgot about that. But now, is a new moment, and I'm getting a free city tour from the english speaking guyanan at 6! Like a beacon, the communications tower at the centre of the city always will help us to facilitate directions. No need for street signs, as I haven't looked at one. Just look for the tower, and we're all good. Backwards? Not efficient? Possibly when you're trying to tell somewhere how to get somewhere, but it actually allows you to venture further through a city just by simply knowing one landmark. Similar to Burning Man Festival, and healthy for an individual's sense of direction.
Facing
When confronting fears, how one exposes themselves to it is as important, if not more, than the exposure itself. For instance, despite 2 different sales jobs, countless hours of preparation, and years of PR with Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, hockey teams etc. selling everything from xmas trees to raffle tickets and bottles, I still have immense fear about selling. This is due to not practicing 'how' to be while selling all those years; instead of learning to stay calm, and control my thoughts, I was focusing all my energy on getting it over with and the hell out of wherever i was. Learning to enjoy it had only flashed in my worried mind a few times over all those years.
Despite all of this, I am going out into the business community today to look for English students. I feel as if I could be a claustrophobic asking to be nailed into a coffin for 4 hours. So, the process starts NOW. Who am I going to be? Confident, self-assured, calm, and present. What am I going to say? I'll be using the 10 portuguese words I more or less know so far. What am i going to do? I'll give them my photocopied sheet with all the information, walk out the door, and go to the next one.
I think this all ties into the mango tree story from yesterday. I drove by a big one filled with ripe ones, thinking "I'd sure like to grab one of those, but it's on someone's property." Driving on, I decided to turn back. As I pulled up to the side of it, I saw a man with a long pole and a pail on the end of it, standing on the patio rooftop coaxing the yellow fruits off the tree. I asked him "how much?" and he motioned for me to come around to the entrance gate. Inside was his supposed young, hot wife with 2 kids. I patiently waited as one child, about 6, collected 4 or so mangos. I asked again, as the child offered me the bag, "how much?". His wife said "nothing!" I said "C'mon, let me pay for something here!" "No!" she was adamant. "Ok", I said. "Let me give a tip for the mango collectors here." I wasn't about to take no for an answer this time, giving them each 1 real coin.
Morale of the story: just get over to that mango tree and ask if you can have one.
And if that doesn't work, keep things in perspective. 250 feared dead in Brasilian floods.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/01/13/3112044.htm?section=justin
Despite all of this, I am going out into the business community today to look for English students. I feel as if I could be a claustrophobic asking to be nailed into a coffin for 4 hours. So, the process starts NOW. Who am I going to be? Confident, self-assured, calm, and present. What am I going to say? I'll be using the 10 portuguese words I more or less know so far. What am i going to do? I'll give them my photocopied sheet with all the information, walk out the door, and go to the next one.
I think this all ties into the mango tree story from yesterday. I drove by a big one filled with ripe ones, thinking "I'd sure like to grab one of those, but it's on someone's property." Driving on, I decided to turn back. As I pulled up to the side of it, I saw a man with a long pole and a pail on the end of it, standing on the patio rooftop coaxing the yellow fruits off the tree. I asked him "how much?" and he motioned for me to come around to the entrance gate. Inside was his supposed young, hot wife with 2 kids. I patiently waited as one child, about 6, collected 4 or so mangos. I asked again, as the child offered me the bag, "how much?". His wife said "nothing!" I said "C'mon, let me pay for something here!" "No!" she was adamant. "Ok", I said. "Let me give a tip for the mango collectors here." I wasn't about to take no for an answer this time, giving them each 1 real coin.
Morale of the story: just get over to that mango tree and ask if you can have one.
And if that doesn't work, keep things in perspective. 250 feared dead in Brasilian floods.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/01/13/3112044.htm?section=justin
The Real Made Me Do It
Apprendar & Melhorar
Seu Inglês
FacilBrincadeira (not the perfect word to use, means more like 'joking')
Effetivo
Amigável
Com um Professor Canadense Só Atel Febrero 14!!
(No Falla Portugues! :-)
Educação Superior (Negócios)
Universidad Cambridge CELTA
(Certificado Idioma Inglês Professor)
When Fruit Flies Attack!
Put some banana peels, bits of mango and pina into a bag and leave it there for a few days. Also, make sure you're about 350 km from the Amazonian equator. You will see thousands of fruit flies amass, and when you disturb the bag, they will fly around so vigorously that several bump into you trying to figure out what the problem is. Either way, just trust me when I say I was quite a sight for sore eyes with said bag on the back of the motorbike, fruit flies in tow, looking for a garbage can.
From gross to gordo, I like the food so far in Brasil. The little deep fried batter wrapped saus
ages, chicken, and eggs with hamburger are a great starter for breakfast, getting some much needed fat into the system for a long day. I met someone who speaks English from Guyana yesterday omg it was such a relief I'm going back there as much as I can to get things translated. Her restaurant was the one where I first explored these deep fried wonders. Get....... In....... My............ Belly!!!! Tired of paying $2 for bottles of water, I invested in a large container, and will be filling my smaller bottles from there, getting my deposit back before i leave.And to go from food to Yvette, a French friend who can cook, who, when I mentioned my opinion on her bravery to do all the things she does, replied that it was a result of having lots of responsibility as a child. I believe it is crucial to give children some sort of responsibility at an early age. Something that, if they do not take care of it, or work towards it, there can be consequences. All I can think of now is, feeding the chickens for example. You don't feed the chickens, they die or get sick, and the family doesn't eat. Giving them a gerbil? So what if the gerbil dies? Give kids something that's meaningful, something that contributes to the family. Every human being wants to contribute.
Beautiful Daze
Feeling great these days, working at stringing together some disciplined days of exercise and EFT (emotional freedom technique) which involves tapping certain areas of the body, and repeating a phrase to release emotions. that combined with a good 1/2 hr. run, and a little computer game to get my mind off things it's feeling very very positive. I think I could have a very nice little relationship with the food down here, and with some caution (cause brasil food isn't quite sure about me yet) we could fall in love. Will have to watch myself - there's lots o calories in those sausages / chicken/ beef rolled in deep fried batter........
I guess all I really have to worry about now is doing too much. I want to play guitar and sing for people down here, teach English, sell some writing, learn Portuguese & more Spanish, take people on tours, but to get rich you have to focus on something and get really good at it. God, I know i can let myself do what I love to do, but what happens when it involves something I'm afraid of? It's crazy..... something like someone who loves to be a gold miner, but is claustrophic!!!! AAAHHHH! Oh well, it gives me something to rail against.
Now, to get going on contacting people and putting my writing out there. This has been the crux of it all........ as soon as I started thinking about money and how i was going to earn it, my black holes started coming..... then I stopped being social to try and figure it out, which made things infinitely worse and started a cycle. All there is, is to face the rejection, and go towards a YES. Its what I've been avoiding for 14 years.......... all this unnecessary pain and trouble. Oh well, I guess I am human after all. I saw a quote from Thomas Edison today from Joel on fb and it was perfect timing:
I joked on our WHINEY SNIVELY WEATHER GROUP on fb that I'v
e been getting so used to the plus 30 amazon weather that I think about putting long sleeves on whenever it dips below 25! Sure to get some bitches about that one ;-). I love that this world is big enough to have so many different things going on at anyone time....... imagine! All the heartaches, joys, deaths, births, excitement, anger, fears, beauty, bad and good weather, everything. It's overwhelming!!!
I guess all I really have to worry about now is doing too much. I want to play guitar and sing for people down here, teach English, sell some writing, learn Portuguese & more Spanish, take people on tours, but to get rich you have to focus on something and get really good at it. God, I know i can let myself do what I love to do, but what happens when it involves something I'm afraid of? It's crazy..... something like someone who loves to be a gold miner, but is claustrophic!!!! AAAHHHH! Oh well, it gives me something to rail against.
Now, to get going on contacting people and putting my writing out there. This has been the crux of it all........ as soon as I started thinking about money and how i was going to earn it, my black holes started coming..... then I stopped being social to try and figure it out, which made things infinitely worse and started a cycle. All there is, is to face the rejection, and go towards a YES. Its what I've been avoiding for 14 years.......... all this unnecessary pain and trouble. Oh well, I guess I am human after all. I saw a quote from Thomas Edison today from Joel on fb and it was perfect timing:
After receiving my first "Thanks Jason but we are going to pass. Good luck on your travels. Becky" messages back from newspaper editors, it is a no-brainer to commit to persistence. What else is there, after all?
I joked on our WHINEY SNIVELY WEATHER GROUP on fb that I'v
e been getting so used to the plus 30 amazon weather that I think about putting long sleeves on whenever it dips below 25! Sure to get some bitches about that one ;-). I love that this world is big enough to have so many different things going on at anyone time....... imagine! All the heartaches, joys, deaths, births, excitement, anger, fears, beauty, bad and good weather, everything. It's overwhelming!!!
Hit the Reset Button
Like all drugs and addictions, an initial feeling of relief, and overall thoughts of calm and peace can often be replaced with an even more intense anxiety and disease. Whatever fear or worry or concern that needed to be covered up or ignored simply intensifies. Worse yet, now you are addicted to one more thing, adding to the pile of dirty laundry to sort through at the end of it. When the high is over, or the video games over, now what?
This was my experience, a couple nights ago, when I just gave up, and went 'home' at 830. I had decided it was too late to do anything, and I had a bit of a chill from my cold. In an effort to entertain myself somehow, I looked into my la
ptop, and 'aaahhhh' (sound of god opening the 'eavens') found 'Zuma', this very addictive little game that I've given several hours over to already. Despite it giving me a bit of relief, and allowed for even more insights into addiction and fear, it is one more thing to deal with. But, I'm committed to some positive energy, so, first an explanation:
It's a game that features a stone frog that can rotate 360 degrees, and is controlled by your mouse. The object of the game is to eliminate the constant stream of fascinating, artistic little colored rolling balls, that, when contacted by 2 or more of the same, will explode. If not eliminated, they start to roll into the final gaping maw of the ancient aztec floor, and you lose one of your three lives. As the procession of rolling balls (almost like pool balls, making the same sound when hit) snake through the screen, several enticing long rows, and 'special balls' come into the line of sight, making it very tempting to want to shoot them. But, if you're not paying attention, the end of the snake line of balls will easily go right into the hole. This is like 'home base' as the frog, and the hole, are located near the centre of the screen. What I gleaned from this is, YES, go out, be ambitious, and take on some challenges, but make sure 'home' (inner health, mind) are taken care of at all times otherwise it could be game over!
The game also featured some clever 'hints' after each stage including "The fact that noone understands you doesn't mean you're an artist". Cute. Or, "Once you realize that the universe is expanding into nothing then back to something, wearing plaid with stripes isn't so hard."
Oh boy, all this talk about balls.............
I don't want to make mistakes in my life, despite knowing that that's how I learn. But one by one, little by little, they aren't so bad. Most of them i'm not even aware of, I suppose. It could be why I find computer games so addictive: I can control things, and champion things with only a computer life to lose. No embarrassment, no uncomfortable feelings, no real risk. As more and more children are using computer games as a big part of their emotional salve, I can suspect we will have more 'retarded' teens, and adults trying to connect with others, and leading social lives. There's a need to take one science class, and instead, give kids an opportunity to teach themselves how to live with ignoring impulses. If it can help one kid (one kid that might just go out to a school and shoot a bunch of other kids) it would do a hell of a lot more for humanity than chemistry/physics/algebra has generally. Its far more advantageous for a society to live in peace, than to invent one more use for salt out there. I love the sciences, but we need a balance. We have sex-ed as the only 'personal' type of school out there, as far as I know.
With technology, separations of cultures and identities, cliques we create differences between us. That's just human nature. What is scary is that the trend towards separation is getting more and more stronger. I believe, starting with me, my life will be more connected, and more satisfying with people. My first experience with severe anxiety, I started posting reminders all over the apartment walls; but they lost their validity when it wasn't in my mind, and it also made the place look like an insane asylum. An insight is only good to you when it's in your brain, and you act upon it, or as Rachel's dad used to say, "you can buy an insight for a nickel down at the store".
It's probably why I'm fantasizing about coming home and having a big party. I have been so inconsistent with daily fighting the urge to 'turtle', that I just get to miss people SO much. At least with a party for me, I know what to do: be a great host and laugh and make sure everyone enjoys themselves. Talking small talk with a stranger can be a bit worrisome for me.
Whatever failure, or problems, or guilt or mistakes today, forget about them. Get up, start the now, and receiv
e the gift that every man and woman can have at any moment. NOW is a whole new day, and the past needn't exist. It can be full of opportunities, and love, and fun, and excitement, and power.
If I could get one tattoo on my wrist to remind myself, like a diabetic, that I've got a predisposition for something, what would it be? Instead of a concern for sugar and insulin, I simply have a concern for obsessing on thoughts about career, money, social standing, and relationships that can get me into quite a mess. The difference is, as with all mental conditions, the longer, happier, more satisfying route is to create a disciplined, aware lifestyle rather than take medications to take away the symptoms. I think it's healthier to learn to adapt to the human condition, rather than always keeping it at bay. There will be a point in everyone's life when you aren't able to keep it at bay, and I want to be ready for that time with full acceptance and open, loving arms.
We all have primitive psychological tendencies that don't really work, or are necessary in today's society. Some of us just have that 'knob' turned up a bit too high (some of us are just knobs) and from personal experience, if I didn't have a great family, and strong desire to succeed and help others, I could easily be on the streets. Those people just have brains that were better suited for a simpler lifestyle, and noone was able to help them find the key to live in the world we have now: one that requires discipline, self-control, strong boundaries, and awareness. There's just too many distractions, and ways a person can really mess up their lives for good.
The 12 step program hints at a common human need, and that is to give up all personal control to a power stronger, and higher than oneself. It seemed to me that these alcoholics who admitted they had no control over alcohol, and that God was the only one who could give them freedom, were missing out on real power. We all have an infinite ability to take care of ourselves, but it just takes practice. But once you've got it, and you keep practicing, you can do it, all on your own. Just like riding a bike. We have all the answers we need right inside of us.
Tom Cruise couldn't win with a post-partum depressed Brooke Shields. Who wouldn't want to end their misery right now just by taking a pill? Of course he's going to
sound like some crazy scientologist when he says you can think your way through it. For me, I just don't like the idea of taking pills for my brain. Never will. Unless of course there's an infection...... oh here we go again! No Jason despite popular opinion you do not have a brain infection.
This was my experience, a couple nights ago, when I just gave up, and went 'home' at 830. I had decided it was too late to do anything, and I had a bit of a chill from my cold. In an effort to entertain myself somehow, I looked into my la
ptop, and 'aaahhhh' (sound of god opening the 'eavens') found 'Zuma', this very addictive little game that I've given several hours over to already. Despite it giving me a bit of relief, and allowed for even more insights into addiction and fear, it is one more thing to deal with. But, I'm committed to some positive energy, so, first an explanation:It's a game that features a stone frog that can rotate 360 degrees, and is controlled by your mouse. The object of the game is to eliminate the constant stream of fascinating, artistic little colored rolling balls, that, when contacted by 2 or more of the same, will explode. If not eliminated, they start to roll into the final gaping maw of the ancient aztec floor, and you lose one of your three lives. As the procession of rolling balls (almost like pool balls, making the same sound when hit) snake through the screen, several enticing long rows, and 'special balls' come into the line of sight, making it very tempting to want to shoot them. But, if you're not paying attention, the end of the snake line of balls will easily go right into the hole. This is like 'home base' as the frog, and the hole, are located near the centre of the screen. What I gleaned from this is, YES, go out, be ambitious, and take on some challenges, but make sure 'home' (inner health, mind) are taken care of at all times otherwise it could be game over!
The game also featured some clever 'hints' after each stage including "The fact that noone understands you doesn't mean you're an artist". Cute. Or, "Once you realize that the universe is expanding into nothing then back to something, wearing plaid with stripes isn't so hard."
Oh boy, all this talk about balls.............
I don't want to make mistakes in my life, despite knowing that that's how I learn. But one by one, little by little, they aren't so bad. Most of them i'm not even aware of, I suppose. It could be why I find computer games so addictive: I can control things, and champion things with only a computer life to lose. No embarrassment, no uncomfortable feelings, no real risk. As more and more children are using computer games as a big part of their emotional salve, I can suspect we will have more 'retarded' teens, and adults trying to connect with others, and leading social lives. There's a need to take one science class, and instead, give kids an opportunity to teach themselves how to live with ignoring impulses. If it can help one kid (one kid that might just go out to a school and shoot a bunch of other kids) it would do a hell of a lot more for humanity than chemistry/physics/algebra has generally. Its far more advantageous for a society to live in peace, than to invent one more use for salt out there. I love the sciences, but we need a balance. We have sex-ed as the only 'personal' type of school out there, as far as I know.
With technology, separations of cultures and identities, cliques we create differences between us. That's just human nature. What is scary is that the trend towards separation is getting more and more stronger. I believe, starting with me, my life will be more connected, and more satisfying with people. My first experience with severe anxiety, I started posting reminders all over the apartment walls; but they lost their validity when it wasn't in my mind, and it also made the place look like an insane asylum. An insight is only good to you when it's in your brain, and you act upon it, or as Rachel's dad used to say, "you can buy an insight for a nickel down at the store".
It's probably why I'm fantasizing about coming home and having a big party. I have been so inconsistent with daily fighting the urge to 'turtle', that I just get to miss people SO much. At least with a party for me, I know what to do: be a great host and laugh and make sure everyone enjoys themselves. Talking small talk with a stranger can be a bit worrisome for me.
Whatever failure, or problems, or guilt or mistakes today, forget about them. Get up, start the now, and receiv
e the gift that every man and woman can have at any moment. NOW is a whole new day, and the past needn't exist. It can be full of opportunities, and love, and fun, and excitement, and power.If I could get one tattoo on my wrist to remind myself, like a diabetic, that I've got a predisposition for something, what would it be? Instead of a concern for sugar and insulin, I simply have a concern for obsessing on thoughts about career, money, social standing, and relationships that can get me into quite a mess. The difference is, as with all mental conditions, the longer, happier, more satisfying route is to create a disciplined, aware lifestyle rather than take medications to take away the symptoms. I think it's healthier to learn to adapt to the human condition, rather than always keeping it at bay. There will be a point in everyone's life when you aren't able to keep it at bay, and I want to be ready for that time with full acceptance and open, loving arms.
We all have primitive psychological tendencies that don't really work, or are necessary in today's society. Some of us just have that 'knob' turned up a bit too high (some of us are just knobs) and from personal experience, if I didn't have a great family, and strong desire to succeed and help others, I could easily be on the streets. Those people just have brains that were better suited for a simpler lifestyle, and noone was able to help them find the key to live in the world we have now: one that requires discipline, self-control, strong boundaries, and awareness. There's just too many distractions, and ways a person can really mess up their lives for good.
The 12 step program hints at a common human need, and that is to give up all personal control to a power stronger, and higher than oneself. It seemed to me that these alcoholics who admitted they had no control over alcohol, and that God was the only one who could give them freedom, were missing out on real power. We all have an infinite ability to take care of ourselves, but it just takes practice. But once you've got it, and you keep practicing, you can do it, all on your own. Just like riding a bike. We have all the answers we need right inside of us.
Tom Cruise couldn't win with a post-partum depressed Brooke Shields. Who wouldn't want to end their misery right now just by taking a pill? Of course he's going to
sound like some crazy scientologist when he says you can think your way through it. For me, I just don't like the idea of taking pills for my brain. Never will. Unless of course there's an infection...... oh here we go again! No Jason despite popular opinion you do not have a brain infection.
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