Sunday

One never knows when a friend with two beautiful women barges in your door at 12:30 in the morning, so the morale of the story is always be prepared with some candles, and wine. I think he just likes showing off his Canadian 'catch'. I don't mind in these particular instances.



I was just finishing watching a Brasilian movie called 'Carandiru', when they popped in. It is a true story of the Sao Paolo prison that was raided by the riot squad in 1992, leaving 111 prisoners dead. The movie was based on the true story written by Druzio Varella, a noted physician who worked pro bono from 1989 until 2001 to assess the spread of aids that had become an epidemic in the country. He found squalid conditions there, where the inmates ruled the prison, with an established pecking order being the deciding force of not only where each prisoner slept, but life and death. The police had confiscated numerous home-made weapons after the riot, undoubtedly used to navigate this web of tightly spun humanity. Over 7,000 were crowded into a penitentiary meant for only 4,000. As most of the men were having sex with each other, the AIDS virus was a common occurrence with the inmates.

New Beginnings

My parents have been going through a slough of funerals lately, and finally they get to go to a cousin's wedding today, in Stettler. Also, my buddy Steve back in Vancouver is getting married today as well. I love weddings; someday I'll be a wedding singer on the side, that's how much I like them.

Also, I had been thinking of an old FBV oilfield operator that I used to work with over the last couple days, Dave Kastik. He was a hell of a crazy character and I liked him a lot. I was seriously thinking of fb'ing his daughter Sandra and asking how he was, when I found out he lost his fight in the ICU at Red Deer. I'm not sure of the circumstances, but I am glad that I was thinking of him, and had some time to honour his time on earth. It's a stark reminder to just get going on this life thing.

So, I am. I spent 2 hours walking around the gymnasium last night starting around 9 pm, thinking about my life, and getting some clarity. I had spent months at a time, in times past, with books, and writing, and examinations, and tests, to figure out where I wanted to put my energies in life. I knew I wanted to avoid making the same mistakes, and find something that fit me. I took an honest look and inventory of what I've been over the last 20 years of working or so.

I have been a warehouse supply salesman, an oil operator, a oilfield maintenance man, an oilfield warehouseman, a hire-a-student, an oilfield tanker gopher, an oilfield computer inventory manager, a college & university student, a hotel front-desk clerk, a night auditor, a telecommunications salesman, an oilfield PCV admin/warehouseman, a veterinarian office manager, a construction worker, a pet cremation delivery driver, an actor, a model, a handyman business owner, an ESL teacher, and a building manager.

I've just about done everything under the sun, or so it seems, and it is a different kind of blue-print; one that shows a lonely, scared, sad man running from place to place trying to find his place. I never knew about Taoism, and finding one's centre; I always thought it was something to do with the job. Well, it does to a point, but when you're so anxious about going to work because the skills required are ones that are not usual for you, or have been practiced enough to feel comfortable. For example, I grew up a very shy, introverted kid, and suddenly I'm being asked to sell to hundreds of people everyday; every product known to man, and with sales managers breathing down the neck in a city I never wanted to move to. I know I chose that job, but it scary to think what I got myself into just because I was scared to be 'not good enough'. It really was a horrible, scary experience for me, and I realized I spent 14 years trying to come to terms with it. I finally did. It happened, move on. Move on with greater force, and purpose, and let nothing stop me. This experience made me who I am today, and I like who I am today, so I really can't complain. I still have air in my lungs, and this fresh perspective is all I need to get going.

So, after Eddy, my folks, and Paula, this internet post will be the first public proclamation of what I want to do in my life. I'll call it a travelling life/career educator for young people, specifically high schools and possibly junior highs. I love the age group, and understand their mix of ambition, energy, hormones, and confusion. They have a really tough time, and today's kids have it really hard in some ways: too many choices, too many distractions, too many temptations. Despite this, so many turn out to be great adults, but I think we all owe it to ourselves, and society, to take time to help out that one hidden voice, that one person that feels so lost and alone. Because in my opinion, our value as a society, and a group, or community can only really be gauged, or measured, by the quality of life of our most lost, and most confused, and most downtrodden. Call me a socialist. I just see the people that are struggling more, and I think they can be a much more powerful, positive influence in our world if they just had some help figuring out their brains, and getting some direction. I feel I am the man for that job. And having a job that I love, and means something to me, and gets me up in the morning, can have an effect on all other aspects of my life. All that from just a few hours walking around the gymnasium.

Oh, and I was able to download a youtube video of my house tour. Join me!

Reality

I created this blog to show myself my ups and downs and really understand the absurdity of it, the confusion and self-doubt. It is so unneccessary. When things start feeling ´wrong´ with me, I automatically default to going inside myself, trying to fix it. This is classic OCD behaviour its just more generalized for me. I am fortunate that I am gentle in my ways, but the loss of life and exuberance is still just as disturbing to me, friends and family.


I watched the Aviator this morning about Howard Hughes, and he was a perfect example of a human being whos intellect, ambition, and desire to control led him down a disastrous journey within. His obsessions were heightened by his ability to buy and do whatever he wanted as one of the richest men in the world at the time. He became CEO of his fathers highly successful oil tool company at the age of 19, after his father and mother died within two years of each other.

Totozao

Well, this was supposed to be a video tour of my home of late, but I might have to stay at the airport all night to download it.......... I had been using the hotel's internet, the hotel I stayed at for new years eve and jan 1st only to be plucked from obscurity by Nalmir and invited to stay at the gymnasio. Finally, the manager of the Uirumutam Hotel thought it better if non-hotel guests did not use their internet. But the reception is much better out here, and although louder, I can watch Youtube if I want. It was restricted at the hotel.

I've been writing away, and philosophizing away. I am enjoying my alone time, my 'Walden Pond' of sorts, and even though I feel just as confused about what I want to do with my life as before, I feel at peace. It's pretty cool.

Nalmir got back from holidays and came over today yelling through the gate to come over and talk to him. He wants to go for a motorcycle ride so I want to put on the leathers for the first time in 3 weeks and show off my new badges Talked to Joel for the first time in 5 months, and a conversation with Bonnie. Steve's wedding on Saturday, and Bonnie's performing with Joel doing the spotlight. He said he's doing my job! I wrote up a quick speech and Joel will be sharing it with Steve and Karen this weekend in my absence. Wish I could be there...... I had a dream that I popped back into Vancouver to pick something up without being noticed, but Joel and Amanda saw me before I could get away.

Marley & Eu

This movie killed me, but not until towards the end. I hadn't imagined how much pent up pain, frustration, and fear I had locked up inside me but it all came out. I was crying so hard, harder than I have in years I think. It was very painful when I was in the middle of it, and I felt exhausted after, but it opened up so many realizations for me. Like how I've avoided staying in one place, and one job, and one woman, and one me to somehow avoid pain, and fear of living. I thought about my cats left with Bonnie back in Vancouver, and how I haven't thought about them, because everytime I did, I would have to think about facing my life. Just being a regular, stay at home guy, nothing special. Of course, the life I can have possible within that life can be amazing, and filled with amazing moments, but to my fears it represented only the painful moments of arguments, doing things I didn't want, but mostly, dealing with the physical sensations of pain, tiredness, anxiety and depression.

Some great ideas here in Boa Vista. Almost every night in the square, they have food, and kids games like trampolines and car race track. The night I took this picture there were only two kids out on the track, but Saturday night the track was full. The lawyers back home would have been licking their chops but here, the kids could drive perfectly, and under bridges, all without hitting each other. It really hit me as a very cool thing to put on and bring families together with these little electric carts. Other parts had various rides, and trampolines and fairway food. Usually someone singing, or a group dancing.

I've been fortunate to meet an English speaking lebanese jewellery shop owner. We're trying to get out on the boat and fish the Rio Branco for some arapaima or pirahna, so I will be going back again to see if his friend has given it the ok. He's a funny character, always giving me high 5's to accentuate a point.

There was a fire in my backyard today; I saw lots of smoke, but was sure someone was just burning a pile of something. But it was definitely a problem: the fire trucks turned up, as the fire was started in the next door neighbour and got out of hand. I inspired the local news man to get up and get a better view of the damage.

It's important to remember there are many natural supplements such as Omega fatty acids, GABA and magnesium that can do wonders for brains. Proper diet, combined with cognitive therapy can do away with 90 percent of prescription drugs related to mental health. Opinion only.

Feel Ok

Today, I spent sometime writing, and grappling with myself. I was able to concentrate, but found myself feeling the task of writing a book to be such a huge task. Several mental health tips required to keep at it, when ADD brain wants to kick in and distract with something shiny, or more interesting or more fun. With the prospect of showing work to others, and laying bare my own opinions and ideas to potential rejection, and criticism, it does somewhat intrigue me to wonder how far some people would shun you for what you write. Vancouver is a pretty laid back town, but everyone has at least one thing that is off limits, don't they?

It's not been a vacation. This is a mental gym. I stretch, and run every morning for an hour, sticking to a routine that feels good. If I am to get what I want in life, I will have to commit to some sort of routine, to break away at the ice between me and how I want to feel, how I want to be. It disgusts me sometimes to look at the years, and endless journal entries of working at oneself. I realized today, all this writing is to do one thing: to feel ok. All I have to do is just feel ok. I don't have to talk about my feelings, I don't have to meticulously plan my days. Just feel ok. Off to watch Marley & Me, and possibly some volleyball on the sand court across from the gymnasio.

Concentration

When I think of all the thousands of different experiences in my life, it's no wonder I get confused and overwhelmed when it's time to make a decision. Ignorance is bliss, Farmboy.

I am, I said

I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried I am, said I
And I am lost,
and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

- Neil Diamond

It is not only our parents responsibility to teach us how to live as adults, it is our responsibility as sons and daughters to teach our parents how to live as children.

Some Info Please

Over visiting Solange and her kids for a movie as friends when a knock on the door, and Solange puts her finger to her mouth. Oh no. I tell her to open the door as whoever it is is getting more and more violent on the door, she tells me to hide in the bathroom. Now I'm trapped like a rat. After the kids start screaming, and I hear glass breaking, with 'Canadense' being yelled from the other side of the iron fenced window, I can't stand it anymore and walk out. He has his shirt off, his arm is bloody from the plate glass, and I tell Solange you tell him we are just friends. I already have she said. How long you have been seeing this guy? 2 weeks she says. And you've had sex with him? No... yes. Fuck.

Solo amigos I repeat to him several times but he's not settling down. He puts his arm through the window and tries to slap me. More exchanges and I'm staying calm, trapped in this one bedroom ground level house. He lights up a smoke I ask him if I can have one he motions for me to come outside. I'm thinking it's an opportunity to bond somehow. Solange warns me do not go outside. There's at least 2 other guys out there with him. He puts his arm through the fence again this time with a knife and he hits me with it, somehow not leaving a mark. I get some paper towel for his arm as a peace offering he throws it away. Such close quarters with an animal on the other side of the fence. It was hard to tell who was in the cage. He starts throwing her bike against the wall and window. I tell her tell him the truth, and apologize for lying to him. He doesn't settle down. Tell me what he is saying! He wants to beat you up. Ok, call the police now. I'm envisioning my moto is ripped to shreds by now.

The police show up rather quickly and start asking questions, all the while crazy guy is going off. They decide they want to see all three of us down at the station. I tell her explain to them that there is nothing to talk about here. We are just friends, and I just want to go home. They seem to take that as an answer. I ask her if it is safe to go now, and she said yes the police will watch him. The police wave me out, as the guy is yelling at me 'vagabond' and go to Canada for your own women that's what racism feels like.

Turns out the guy is the cook at the restaurant Solange works at, and he's been watching me come and go for the last week chatting with her in English. He must have decided to walk by the house that night and check on her, and saw my bike. He knew she was lying, and I didn't know what was being said, but I clued in fairly quickly. I had a taste of violence directed at me, and I am thankful for the police stepping in. Incredibly uncomfortable situation that a nieve innocent I love the whole world me got myself into. This is why I don't carry a gun. My words, my mind, and my inner calm will win out, even in another language. If I lose, well, then my time is over. No one said the world was a safe place.

I had a hard time dealing today, looking over my shoulder, and wanting to stay safe at home. But I had to get out and force myself to face the world again. I believe in us, I believe in peace. I believe the best kind of security is found within.

Peace

Whether I found it, or it found me, I know peace. I care not what will happen tomorrow, or happened yesterday, but only to know I have peace within myself. It is a skill I have been too harried to acquire, and I forced myself to stay once more in the eye of the storm and wait it out. "I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round." - John Lennon
The movies I've given myself as a late night/early morning respite from me, basically, have melded nicely into the movements in my mind and heart. "Troy" featured a remarkably skilled fighter in Achilles who knows only his desire to have his name be spoken for thousands of years. I know that desire, yet wonder why I would care when I would not be able to hear, or see any sort of adulation, or attention. That is the warrior in me, the one that fights for something, some kind of acknowledgement. I may seem like a flakey artist, but make no qualms I am a fighter, and i will fight to the death for what I believe in. I believe in myself! Basically, I know that desire, the clear cut feeling of war, of battling someone.

Also, i've craved attention since grade school, as I learned somehow that if I am known, I exist.

I now question that young man's ability to fully know not only the relevance of that belief, but the ramifications. Normal life seemed so busy to me, running around from bank, to grocery store, to fitness gym, to work........ I don't know how people do it. From the many experiences of the road, Chico taught me that I can keep money right in my house, and take it out whenever I need it. My .01% banking interest will just have to be ignored. But what if someone steals it? Noone is going to steal it. My fears cost me, and not just financially. I have to go to the gym and workout so people will still love me. They wouldn't love me if I was fat. I don't have time to cook for myself because I gotta be out there where people can see me, making money. Oh no, no time to cook. Surely I jest. It was, and is ALL in my mind. Noone ever told me how I was supposed to live, not directly anyways. I picked it all up somehow, and it made me who I was.

Now I am taking on an even bigger challenge: to write a novel. It may take me up to 2 years to complete, I may lose all my savings, and the book might only sell 10 copies. But at least I will be able to relax knowing that I put myself on the bookshelf, and people can read it, enjoy it, learn something from it. I did my part. Unless the Nazis burn it, it will still be there. That gives me great comfort, to know that I will live on somehow, or at least my thoughts will. Perhaps it is immortality that I seek, and bereft of ego, simply the want to exist. I love life! I love to live! But death is certainly a necessary journey, and one that teaches so much about the gift of life, and the value of the short time I have here.

Tonight is movie night with Solange and it will certainly be a pleasure to just sit and chat and be, and have no thoughts as to who i am, or how i look, or how another thinks and feels about me. Pure and absolute self-love acceptance, and therein lies love for all. Boa Vista has been very very good to me.

What If?

What if there weren't any answers? What if there isn't any secret to find out? What if it's all about staying calm, and happy inside yourself, and that's it? No decisions right or wrong, no opinions right or wrong, no places right or wrong. Solely, the ability to be, and to feel, ok within oneself. That is all we want isn't it? What would we do with ourselves if it was true? Just live, exist, and nothing stopping you.

Now

Now what?