Wolves

There are wolves among us.

"The fates will lead him who will; him who won't, they'll drag" - Seneca

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" - Jiddu Krishnamurti

"Proventus Awesome quod Minutum Combibo (Increase the Awesome and Decrease the Suck" - Nerdfighters

Everybody Hurts

I have met some very powerful people who had it all, and they fall apart just like me. The more you have, the more you have to lose.

I had a sense that Ezequiel was lying. Why would he be so evasive? Was I being paranoid. He said, come on Thursday. I said but why if you say the bike is ready now why cant i come tomorrow. Ok tomorrow you can come but after 3 pm. Ok, but still what is going on Ezequiel I dont want lies why cant I come tomorrow at 8 am? Ok fine, you can come but between 12 and 1 pm.

I spent the night waking from dreams of the motorbike crashing, losing everything, and having everything in the room stolen!

Its 5 pm, and Im off to the mechanics to pick up the motorbike.

Now its 820, made it to Granada but just not happy with the sound of the bike. It just doesnt sound right. I told Ezequiel I will pay him 200 now, as the bike was not ready before monday as agreed, but that I will be back on Friday to pay him the extra 100. This way I can get any extra work required....... but I dont think he has much experience in tweaking. Turns out he was concealing the truth indeed..... I noticed the engine bottom slathered in silicone, and that is all they did after discovering the leak. I will need to do more research myself on what to do now.

What to Say?

Im just speechless. I have things to say, but theyre just useless to me right now. I feel as if I am a comet rughing through the solar system, passing earth, and burning away. I crave seeing the innocence of a child, the laughter of a friend, the hug of a mother. I dont know why I was not just born with all that I need to live in this world. Actually I am, but I dont know why I dont feel like it.

I am in Granada, Nicaragua. A year ago I could have never imagined to have said this. I have been making small talk on facebook for 8 months now, just dipping into a large friends list to get my personal needs met. Now, I realize I have gone so long without close intimate friendship that I have spread myself too thin. I just feel off. And without much practice asking for what I want from others, I usually have to spend it alone to assure I do get my needs met. Making comments just to get a laugh, just to feel good. Close friendships and intimate relations are filled with dread and compulsions to satisfy them somehow. I have been prostituting myself in a way for years, and its time to stop.

Perhaps most disturbing is why I just cant be a regular guy. What is a regular guy? Recently I felt tugs, and a person suggested to me that I just am not a normal guy, and should stop trying to be one. I am getting myself all worked up again comparing myself against others. Its the same thing as hoarders, eating disorders and drug addictions....... wanting to feel good all the time, craving control, and trying to fit it into a box. Well, Id be happy just to feel at peace right now. SSOOO....... I am ready to separate myself from others, and truly make a radical choice, just for me. To do what I want, to do what feels good for me, to do what feels comfortable, and to take a huge leap every moment. And, keep it simple. Find a safe, comfortable, peaceful place outside and in, and build a life there.

Repuestos

Some confusion over the parts in Managua/Rivas, so I'm going over on the boat this morning to sort it out. For some reason, the parts are in Managua, according to my taxi guy, and I have to go in there and get them. Should be a trifle difficult day.

And, as I write at 830 pm in Rivas, it was a difficult day. Started by missing the boat literally, as I was waiting in front of one boat, as the other was leaving behind me. Missing school bus dread! That was a blessing, as I had forgotten my visa and bank card back at the camp, so I would have had to return anyways. Also I was able to get ahold of Jose, the guy that helped me 3 weeks ago. I could not conceal my anger with him charging me 120 bucks to get into Managua 2 weeks ago (and exacerbated by the trip being a total waste of time) after a couple people told me 50 bucks to Managua and back. He still tried to cover it up explaining cost of gas and such. I said its not my problem, bring the purolator bill of lading with you to San JOrge boat dock, and well discuss.

I got on the 11 am boat, chatted with a canadian, then arrived at 12 and found jose. We had some tense moments, then settled on 70 bucks. We drove back to exchange him with his brother Jimmy, the seemingly quieter, more responsible , more likeable and trustworthy boy did I just make a lot of stuff up there! When we finally got to airport, it was looking like a quick and dirty deal, as the UPS guy said keep that bill that says 980 dollars value in parts in your bag. If its under 500 you dont pay taxes. I also let Jimmy take care of things but he was gone for an hour before coming out and saying the police found the bill of sale in the box, that included cost of parts AND freight to a total of 1750 bucks, meaning taxes to be paid on the total amounting to over almost $400 US. It was a shock, but I told myself we were lucky to not be thrown in jail for fucking around with the truth. Funny how quick I was to avoid telling the truth, and doubly interesting how I justified it wholly, telling myself the nicaraguan government had no right taxing goods or products not made in their country, nor staying in their country long enough to gather dust.

Now, I have 1 dollar left in my pocket, as VISa didnt work at the customs, so I had to pay cash, and I can only withdraw 450 per day out. No biggie ready for bed anyways but it hasnt been the first time i was down to nothing. If I didnt have a credit card, things would be a scramble and hats off to travellers who dont or cant use them. They are really a dangerous hit to the bottom line 30 days after purchase.

Tomorrow will be day one of mechanic, and I expect there will be at least one seemingly insurmountable problem arise. He already has shown his confidence to be misfounded when we went to Managua to find they didnt have any parts for my bike. Heres to hoping im wrong.

Will make it back to Ometepe tomorrow night, sleep there, gather my stuff, as I now am spread out between three places, having stored some bags in Playa del Sur since leaving there last Tuesday. This has all tested me to the point of not caring, so now its time to care again. No one else is going to do it for me.

Just For Today

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abe Lincoln said, that ¨most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.¨

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my ¨luck¨as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways i will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things i don´t want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt they may be hurt, but today i will not show it.

Jus for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as i can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests hurry and indecision.

Just for today i will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so that the world will give to me.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace where there is hatred, let me sow love, where there is injury, pardon, where there is doubt, faith, where there is despair hope where there is darkness, light, and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love for it is in giving that we receive it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Tell people when you want alone time.

Motorcycle spewed oil after 5 pm so the welder needs to come back. We are back to the waiting game.

Just Habits

Having an extraordinary life is never farther away than breaking throughh patterns. The patterns themselves, to me, can seem like a 20" thick wall of platinum when I face them, but its all perceived. Met another sleeptalker last night, and it was freeing to have a group of people and I talk about sleeptalking and what I said and all laughing about it. They thought I was an army guy because of the terminology I used in my sleep 2 nights ago. So, this big ugly thing I was embarrassed about for my whole life has come down to this. Tell people, share with them, and let it go. Hi my name is Jason. I'm a sleeptalker. Hi my name is Jason. I'm scared of intimacy and commitment. Hi my name is Jason. I am scared of a lot of things, but I will live everyday with courage, and continue doing what I believe is right.

And the bug that was tearing at my eyeball on the moto return ride stayed in there all night, leaving it brightred and sore, puffy. I get regular, welcome check-ins from Eddie and Mom but the friendship base has withered to nothing. It left me feeling very lonely and angry. I went through a moment of 'you could really care less about me', to realizing I am not calling any of my freinds, nor talking to them directly, besides a once a year drop in. What the hell do I expect? I fell into the trap of facebook, quick comments on life and shallow, surface talk. So, if I were to choose 3 people to get back into contact with, who would they be?

I go into Granada today, and leave island life behind. Sad to say goodbye; this island has been an insular, safe world for 2 weeks. The bike, I expect, will be ready between today and Wednesday, making it 1 month, and 4 - 6 days of waiting. But we are almost at the end, and it has been a good learning experience to stop and face myself for a while.

I just called Ezequiel and he said the motorbike will be ready by 3 pm today.

Sex & the City

7 months without, and suddenly its raining women. Also had the best conversation in the same tie, and felt free. It was truly a pleasure to have someone listen, and to speak freely. I kept myself in a cage all this time, and now I've let myself free. Today we go for another motorbike ride to find waterfalls and petroglyphs.

Trials Are Almost Over

I don´t believe that for a second! A friend messaged me today and said he felt my trials are soon over....... I hope not because that would mean I was dead. But, island life is not that bad, I must say. Time just seems to float by.........

Noticing how much I want to get approval from anybody that I am doing it right. Crazy. Yesterday was a huge day as far as communicating, and talking to people. I was just letting loose, and speaking at will. Nothing offensive came out. Nothing uncomfortable. It was as if because I was comfortable with me, other people could be too. I had taken the parts over to the mechanic first thing, caught a bus to San Juan del Sur, picked up my stuff there in 10 minutes, and came right back. Then had some chinese food, worked on my videos met a couple teachers from Austria and helped them get back to Ometepe with me. The evening was chatting first with the church girls, then the locals down at the bar. Feeling some fear that I said something wrong, but this is just crazy talk, and putting too much importance on what other people think.

But I will agree that the trials have become much easier.

Repuestos

Some confusion over the parts in Managua/Rivas, so I'm going over on the boat this morning to sort it out. For some reason, the parts are in Managua, according to my taxi guy, and I have to go in there and get them. Should be a trifle difficult day.

Bearded Monkey Feelings

Against feelings of discomfort, anxiety, and body focus, love and connectedness and being in the zone is a challenge. No writing for 4 days. My writing has been like the Sedins in the playoffs against Nashville. Prone to writer's block. I have so much to say, but it just doesn't seem to feel right. So, its back to writing stream of consciousness, and just getting it out.

Some strange affairs of the heart, or lack thereof in the last couple days.

There just isn't a cut and dried way to live, and thats been hard to accept. Its hard to accept that I will have to wake up every day for the rest of my life and start again........... or do I? I think the definition of an adult is someone who has accepted the truth of their life. A transcended human being is someone who takes whatever disadvantages of being human i.e. fears, challenges, and makes the absolute best of it. Why bother? why not just sit in front of the tv and be entertained couch potato style?

Hey I would give anything, or take something away from someone else just to feel ok. What is the point of any animal feeling strange? Its somewhat comical to have an anaimal feeling strange. Shows the power of the human mind to take itsself out of the game, to overfocus on something irrelevant. Todays technologically, and socailly complicated world, some of us have to adapt or perish. We cant just live. It has to be an awareness, a work in progress.

Of biggest acceptance in the last few days was that its ok for humans to perish, by their own hands. If we, as a biologically adapted species, are unable to control ourselves, and simply be the spectators of the ark that passes us by, then we must go the way of the dinosarur. it is not my responsibility anymore to save the world. I can only save my world.

Secondly, what the fuck is depression? It is a manufactured entity of the modern world. It is an opportunity for the system to make it self relevant. The health care industry is a business, and it is a big business. Depression is a result of a monkey being put in a cage. Us monkeys, us humans, put ourselves in the cage. There is noone to blame, noone who will coem and save us. We have to use all of our evolutionary skills to get out of it. And it involves extremely bold steps that 99 percent of people will not get out by themselves. They will need to rely on drugs and mcdonalds. But if they can break away from their own evolutionary pitfalls, and reach out, take chances, believe in something bigger for themselves, anything is possible.

Chronic pain, physical maladies without any cause are a direct result of not doing the things that keep human beings happy. Connection, doing something interesting that engages oneself. Staying away from things that stress out quite a vulnerable little creature.

Nice to blab again............feels great.

And, on the parts front, they are out of the Managua airport as of 1230 this afternoon, and are probably across the lake in Rivas tomorrow. Now, trusting the process and the guys, my mechaic should have the box tomorrow. Go guys. After 2 and a half weeks, I feel that when I am on that bike again, it will be like starting all over again. Has been the most interesting experience of exploration, and some really fun times, with lots of laughter.

Is Kayak a Canadian word?

A Child's Pain

Again, my ego and egg-shell thin confidence allowed me to sweep the sleep talking under the mat. I had either slept alone, or didn't sleep at all around others for 8 months, but mostly the first. In my earlier incarnations, specifically hostelling in Australia 18 years ago, I just ignored the potential social embarrassments the next day after a yell, or scream in the night, dealing with the aftermath. I dramatize for your benefit, but for me, I could just die in my skin.

All of the embarrassing moments of the past came rushing back in a flood of emotions. So, when one of my roommates I hadn't met yet mentioned it this morning, I was aghast, and a bit speechless. He said that the night before, he and his girlfriend thought I was talking to someone on my cellphone in the middle of the night. (I have been known to surprise people with the clarity of my speaking, although it always ends up in very clear nonsense) But when I talked again last night, they realized I was indeed sleep talking. I told him I was embarrassed, and he said "you don't need to worry about this. You cannot control it. Every person should be able to understand that." He gave me some perspective and I started to tear up, as the emotional wall came down.

Only the computer screen saw my tears, confiding in it with a release of pent up embarrassment, and a deep sense of inadequacy melted away, if only for a moment. it is crucial to acknowledge the fragility of being human, thus healing that inner child who doesn't understand, or can't cope. Then, it is time to do what humans do best, and move on from it. Get up, dust off, and get back into life. And next time, tell everyone in the room that you're a sleeptalker.