Steak-eatin' beer drinkin' Albertan meets TOFU

Let's get something straight. I'm talking to myself here. Jason, you can still live. You will still go on. No, a piece of dead animal will not touch your lips for 30 days. No, the sweet nectar of beer will not caress your throat as it fizzes and giggles its way down into your bloodstream, intoxicating you with its beautiful buzz. In fact, you will eat, as well as you understand, a vegan diet for 30 days. No alcohol. What? Wait a minute, I..... YES, YES, YOU WILL STOP YOUR GODDAMN WHININ'! After 30 days, you can go back to eat whatever the heck you want, but for 30 days, you're going to stick with it. No pop, no chips, no chocolate bar lunches. No dairy, that's right no ice cream or milkshakes. No eggs, bacon, ham, bread with flour, AAAAHHHHH NO YOU CAN'T TAKE ME ALIVE I WILL FIGHT FOR MY BREAKFAST LET ME HAVE MY BREAKFAST PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Ok, that feels better, but you're still gonna do it. Shit cakes.

So, I just happen to live across the street from Whole Foods. Never would have considered going there just a few months ago - forget it. I used to say "pay 6 bucks for an organic banana?" Fuggedaboudit! Those damn corporate elite are probably lying about their organic food anyways. How can you trust them? I should go in the poor house just for my food? No fricken way. Things have changed, and my health has been deteriorating for awhile. The challenge has been that, living with an anxiety disorder, I've never quite known when I'm pushing myself past an obstacle, or outright neglecting, and abusing myself.

I've just realized, after all these years, food is actually the most important decision I can make. It's my energy, it's my health, it's my feeling good or feeling krappy. I've been putting up with stomach aches of titanic proportions, flatulence from the gods, diarrhea that has been like water at times. That's right folks, I'm not proud to say I've been so stubborn for so long that I refused to consider that I had a problem, and a severe one at that. That I could deal with actually, but when I started believing it could be affecting more than my GI tract, my mindset definitely altered.

When I was running Donna Maintenance, a small condo maintenance company, I was so stressed for 3 years trying to survive, food was not even on the list called 'priority'. Slimy McDonald's burgers, fries, heavy dinners out, deep fried anything, whatever was fast and cheap. My friend Joel would tease me about my cigarette, coffee, Mars Bar and Salt & Vinegar Chip lunches. I simply refused to consider that food would do any good for me. I thought I was just high strung, and needed to either a) make more money b) find a perfect woman c) get famous d) all of the above before I would even consider something as boring, frivolous, and ridiculous as food.

I even reviled the people who would 'waste' their time in the grocery stores, looking up and down the aisles, taking their time. We could be doing something more useful, like playing a sport, or partying, or making money somehow! Definitely not spending it on food. Never enough money, never enough time, and food continuously got shafted. I guess you could say I had quite the dysfunctional relationship to food. I remember my high school friend Sang Yoon chastising me for swallowing my food without chewing! Yup, I clearly recall him saying "you're supposed to chew your food 32 times before swallowing". Always respected the guy for his intelligence, but yeah right! Who has that kind of time?

The first of many steps was to finally visit a Naturopath by the name of Dr. Sid Weiss. I had to find a facebook friend who had 'defriended' me - ouch! - who had suggested him to me almost two years ago. Dr. Weiss practices Auricular Medicine, in which he places one hand on your wrist to measure heartbeats, and the other holds a variety of substances near the ear. He claimed that he was able to tell what foods' energy was repulsed, and accepted by my body. I was initially quite sceptical, but willing to try anything. He quickly determined an allergy to wheat, pork, and cheese - pretty much 90% of my friggen diet! Ha ha ha! Despite the grim news, and $260 later, I was off with my new found knowledge and several bottles of herbal tinctures to drink twice a day. I'd recommend him - don't be a JC Penny like I was - go at least for an initial consultation if you suspect you're not running 100%.

Here's his link: www.drsidweiss.com

Well, that was back in February; I now know he's onto something. I pretty much feel bloated and uncomfortable whenever I eat my favourite foods like pizza, beer, white bread, and the list goes on. I can't believe it, but I haven't had a slice of pizza in over a month - and Vancouver is PIZZA SLICE TOWN for sure. Every corner downtown on Granville has some kind of pizza joint. So, I've been inconsistent, but surprised with my will power on some of the biggies, not all, but some. Giving up beer, giving up beer. I feel like crying. I love you beer, I want you to love me back. Let's get married, or something. C'mon, please. BEER to JASON: Dude, chill. I'm just not that into you. JASON to BEER: Yeah? Fine. I read the book. I know all about that. I've been down that road before with someone else who wasn't half as good as you! JERK!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/He's_Just_Not_That_into_You

So, after a $65 expedition to Whole Foods, this is what yours truly, the avid, yet inexperienced urban hunter, came back with:

organic pears - still a little green me thinks
salted mixed nuts - hey these little suckers are the best I've ever tasted! They should use Vince the 'Slap-Chopper's slogan - You're gonna LOVE MY NUTS!
medium firm tofu - sealed and stored in water? Tastes pretty bland, gonna haveta fry it up with some teriyaki. Problem is: most sauces are made with wheat!!!
snow peas - I just eat 'em with the pod n' all.
southern kiwiberry - "the sweet tasting, healthy super snack that is ready to eat... just like a grape! Delicious in salads, dips or simply as is." $4.99 for 10 teeny weeny things is a little pricey despite the nice words........
seaweed crunch - Product of Japan, tasty little things despite being a weed from the sea.
brussel sprouts - c'mon kids try 'em they're good for ya!!! I got these fresh, not frozen.
Glutino Gluten Free Fiber Bread - $6.99 a loaf for friggs sake! But no wheat.

So, folks, strap yourselves across the back, and we'll try some sado-masochistic eating!