Getting lazy and paying for it

It's been quite the ride living with anxiety, especially the last 14 years. What has been different about this time span, and the years growing up prior to that, was that I would forge through the feeling, or at least stubbornly stick with it to the point of exhaustion. In my younger years, the slightest tinge of anxiety would be met with an immediate and abrupt reversal of mind, or body, or both. It took sometime to see what I was doing, turn that process around, lengthening the time between my knee-jerk reactions to fear, and a reaction. My life has become considerably larger by this ability to 'stay' through the uncomfortable moments.

Which was better? The countless books, doctor visits, medication, relaxation and meditation, not to mention months of self-centred analysis took it's toll on the enjoyment of life, snuffing out amazing possibility in most of my twenties. Comparatively I had a lot of crazy fun growing up, and everyone seemed to accept my quirkiness regardless. The tie breaker then, to me, seems to be the actualization of yourself as a human being, specifically living your dreams.

Ask yourself

Question: what would you be doing with your life if you didn't have _________________ (insert problem, affliction, medical condition here)

Answer :_______________________________________

The biggest realization from this exercise can come from knowing one's own mortality. Regardless of religious beliefs, most if not all can agree on one thing: after death, this body, and mind, are no longer. So what's to be said for just doing whatever you want, living life to the fullest?

In the summer of 2007, I asked myself, "what would I be doing if I didn't have anxiety?" My answer was distinctly clear . "I'd be meeting as many people as I could, and taking every opportunity to do anything that I wanted whether it was telling jokes, making friends, staying happy all day, and most of all, saying "YES" to whatever came my way. After a massive house party that winter, and a project I created through Landmark called "Heart to Art", art therapy for people with mental health issues, things seemed to be going well. Entering into a serious relationship began a whole new level of a whole new game, and my life hardly resembled my old way of being.

Under it all, I was still expecting anxiety to turn tail and run after all the personal victories I had, and all the pushing I had done in my life and community. It was still there, and I was ill prepared for the 'battle for peace' that was soon to be my new reality. Today, after a couple tough days, and anxiety that was pitted in my shoulders, stomach, and mind, had eased with a new resolution created. That is peace and purpose. Now, for this to become real, I have to give up that my last two days on the couch meant anything. I have to start from NOW.

Consider that everything you believe is a block from getting what you want, is simply fear. Everything. Vacations, relationships, career moves, new ventures, setting goals - when do you think it's going to feel like the right time? When you are forced to make a change? It is not even the absence of fear, but simply the will to push forward with the fear. Be present during these times, and make a valid effort at learning to stay focused in these times, and allow yourself to become more and more comfortable in situations that would normally scare you. One day you will wake up living your dreams, and if you haven't learned that it takes work everyday, it will be gone as soon as you get it.

Today after eating possibly rancid soy and deep fried sweet potato fries I have another stomach ache, and sore stomach. So, the work I've created over the last 13 days have little effect on me if I jump back to a bad habit for even one sitting. I'll forget about the diarrhea, but at one point do I truly stop to think of the impact of me eating food that doesn't agree with me? It can't be selective; the overall commitment to health has to be maintained every moment, every day.