Fazenda to Farm
650 hectares of beautiful farmland, and 208 cows. Corn and soy are planted in the summer, wheat, and barley in the winter. Several pieces of equipment, as well as over 15 men to operate and help on the farm. The adjacent farm has over 4000 hectares, and borders on a dam. The smell of the harvest took me back to the days my mom and I would take lunch out to my dad when he was working in the fields. I wanted to walk the whole stretch of it.
Party Time
I know how to deal with people. I deal with myself. That is how. The discomfort, the physical sensations, the crazy thoughts, the impulse to either please or push away, all in one bundle called Jason and people. I wouldn't take all the times back where I screwed up; it certainly has made me more compassionate to others with loose lips and strange behaviours. We're all scared of people, we just deal with it differently. We all want to be loved and accepted.
Both Joao's and Kike's dads were inspirations for these thoughts. Older guys who have been steadily successful in long careers. Both calm, very calm and very comfortable to be around. I'm sure they don't always feel like being around people, but they do it anyways, and deal with it on their own terms. Just like the rest of us.
There's a time and place to be a jackoff. There's a time and place to blurt something out. There's a time and place to try and be funny. Save that for the family and close friends, and then at that, there's really no need for it. People will accept me as long as I give them space to live in their own world without feeling a cringe whenever they walk by me. Most people will not tell you if you've upset them, they will just stop dealing with you. So, the key to success with the general population is to not even go there. Life isn't about constantly proving if someone likes you or not.
Both Joao's and Kike's dads were inspirations for these thoughts. Older guys who have been steadily successful in long careers. Both calm, very calm and very comfortable to be around. I'm sure they don't always feel like being around people, but they do it anyways, and deal with it on their own terms. Just like the rest of us.
There's a time and place to be a jackoff. There's a time and place to blurt something out. There's a time and place to try and be funny. Save that for the family and close friends, and then at that, there's really no need for it. People will accept me as long as I give them space to live in their own world without feeling a cringe whenever they walk by me. Most people will not tell you if you've upset them, they will just stop dealing with you. So, the key to success with the general population is to not even go there. Life isn't about constantly proving if someone likes you or not.
I also remembered the healing power of deep breathing. All of what I've learned in the last almost 7 months go down the drain when I'm in pain. Pain is a direct result of a lac
k of oxygen to that part of the body. Anxiety and stress are both a cause and effect of short shallow breathing, which makes the whole experience that much more intolerable, as well as harmful to the body, causing pain after the long term.
So, how will I celebrate, and practice my new found calm and peaceful skills? Well, Kike's friend owns a nice restaurant, so we'll go there. Then, maybe a pub and some talking in a language I hardly know but will resort to english if need be - lots of them speak it here.
Cold
A cold wake-up call here in Guarapuava and a taste of what is to come. 16 degrees and wind feels pretty damn cold when you have been in 30, 35 C for 6 months. We leave for Curitiba now to check out the city, see some of Kike`s trucks, and get his separated shoulder checked out. He didn`t bother paying for insurance since he got back from Canada, so will have to pay $$$$ himself.
So Nice
It's a nice city here and feels like home. Kike, my host and old student, is just an awesome host and I'm not surprised how calm and collected a guy he is - an inspiration as a business owner and all-around good guy. He's taken me to a German settlement, a museum, and introduced me to so many of his friends....... truly relaxing and comfortable. Tonight we watch one of the best Brazilian movies of all time.
i've taken a rare change in route plans, and will not be going through to Buenos Aires after all. i realized and accepted I am quite tired, and am ready to come home. I've reached my goal of Rio, and everything after this is just a bonus anyways. This will also allow me to relax here in Kike's home before the long ride back.
Guarapuava
Arrived here 12 hours later than expected but feel peaceful here reminded of BC AB rockies and one hour between towns. Its another reunion with an old student Keke will be nice
It's Me
A humbling, tear-inducing, and lol-making reunion with Joe, Salmon, and Choods. Two students, and one fellow teacher taught me about the long-term, and far-reaching effects we as humans have on each other. They were all so happy to see me, and I them. I laughed so hard at Choods humour that, like mine, was so gross and disgusting. What a complete and utter relief to express that energy outside and laugh and laugh and laugh. They were able to break through this haze of loneliness and self-imposed isolation through toilet humour and teasings. Such a relief to experience people as resilient, and able to take or handle whatever I say or do, and such a sadness to think I denied people my own personality thinking they would not be able to handle the gargantuan mess of Ja
son Dale Chapman. I threw away my personality for people, and then became angry, and depressed that I still felt unacceptable.
son Dale Chapman. I threw away my personality for people, and then became angry, and depressed that I still felt unacceptable. I remember hiding in my bedroom whenever visitors came over to the house. I would stand between my bed and the door, as long as they were there, listening intently to the conversations of relatives and family friends, hoping somehow to hear of an opportunity for me to release myself from my self-imposed prison of self-consciousness, anxiety and worry. My parents really had no idea, but in my mind, everyone knew about Jason. I couldn't really hide anywhere.
I realized after 30 some years, here in Sao Paulo, that my entire adult life has been about waiting behind that door, hoping someone would say the right thing, or pull me out into the world. It was me the whole time. I created the fear, I created the worry, and I created a lifetime of waiting for life to magically save me from myself. 
Social skills ARE the highest, most valuable skill, and learnable ability we have as humans, and yet there is not one formal course offered in public schools today. Kids are meant to figure it out on their own, and if they don't, well....... we won't talk about that. Depression, anxiety, suicide, mental health disorders are all directly related to the internal world that exists while one person is in another person's company. We are social creatures, and all hell can break loose if we have not learned a healthy way of coping with our need to be close, and our need to be alone.
Welfare systems do give those of us a safety net in Canada to get back up on our feet, but what of those who are on the system for the rest of their lives? They are destined to be confined in their own prison, afraid to open the door, and afraid to stay where they are. We have huge and powerful minds that, like a horse, need to be run. So lets spend our money on building workplaces for those people who do not have money. At least we are creating something of value, as well as giving these people a much needed opportunity to get outside of themselves and do something for the good of society.
Now, my southern journey is almost at an end. 25,000 km and 6 1/2 months. I am clearer than ever that no magical princess is going to rescue me, and i am done waiting for some prophet to clear me of my physical, emotional and mental pain. It will be a moment, by moment journey of training myself to live in this world, and to finally be receptive to it's gifts. There will be much pain ahead of me I know this. It is a necessary battle to learn to cope with that too.
Bill Maher Quotes
just being lazy tired of hearing my own thoughts so I'll pass it over to my friend Bill tonight for some brilliance............
A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried about being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
It's all been satirized for your protection.
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried about being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
It's all been satirized for your protection.
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Eu sou paulista
almost 500 km to Sao paulo made in fine fashion, and safe at joao's house, my old student from Tamwood. He loves to call me old man. After this journey so far, I can be called anything. He says I've lost some weight. I definitely think so.
It was wonderful to reconnect. He' s a young, strong, bull-headed man ready to do what he has to, without any fear or thought as to consequences of humanity's actions, unlike me. We're somewhere above the 20th floor, and I had thoughts of jumping. I wouldn't, although I locked the patio door in case I tried in my sleep. It's challenging to hold two opposing views of the world directly in my own mind. The capitalist and the communist. I really want the world to settle down. Stop. stop going. But it won't. It just won't. Nobody, or nothing will stop it. It is an anthill of activity. This city of 23 million is just one of 6.5 billion. That is a big number. Jelly beans that could fill 1o skyscrapers, and each one of them ready to die for a new dress, or a new car, or a new house.
Am I just afraid of competition? Am I simply feeling inadequate? Would I feel differently if I was a high-powered lawyer with a bevy of beautiful models at my beck & call? Were I Charlie Sheen, would I really care about how much garbage one little human being produces?
This upset has to go somewhere. Stop caring. Stop carrying the world on my shoulders. Let it be.
I've heard a thousand people's advice over the years. I can only take from one: create my own life, in my own vision, and do what I feel is best. That is powerful to me.
It was wonderful to reconnect. He' s a young, strong, bull-headed man ready to do what he has to, without any fear or thought as to consequences of humanity's actions, unlike me. We're somewhere above the 20th floor, and I had thoughts of jumping. I wouldn't, although I locked the patio door in case I tried in my sleep. It's challenging to hold two opposing views of the world directly in my own mind. The capitalist and the communist. I really want the world to settle down. Stop. stop going. But it won't. It just won't. Nobody, or nothing will stop it. It is an anthill of activity. This city of 23 million is just one of 6.5 billion. That is a big number. Jelly beans that could fill 1o skyscrapers, and each one of them ready to die for a new dress, or a new car, or a new house.
Am I just afraid of competition? Am I simply feeling inadequate? Would I feel differently if I was a high-powered lawyer with a bevy of beautiful models at my beck & call? Were I Charlie Sheen, would I really care about how much garbage one little human being produces?
This upset has to go somewhere. Stop caring. Stop carrying the world on my shoulders. Let it be.
I've heard a thousand people's advice over the years. I can only take from one: create my own life, in my own vision, and do what I feel is best. That is powerful to me.
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